Misery just wants to be alone..

Since last night, I was utter misery.. I just wanted to be left alone to sulk and be sorrowful.. and contemplate the sorry state of my universe…

Unfortunately, my family is in some sort of “Happy Families” mode, and though I wanted to be left alone, I was forced out to dinner last night at Sheraton.. all the coughing and sniffling in the world just didn’t work..

Today was even worse.. I just wanted to sleep the day away, and I was dragged along to have a family portrait taken.. I don’t know whether it’s just hormones or the fact that I miss someone so much that I feel that parts of me are starting to rot away.. but I had a mini fit as I was getting dressed.. I just wanted to be left alone.. I don’t want to put on a nice dress and pretend smile, and do things I just don’t even want to pretend doing..

I just wanted to roll around in bed.. eat nasty stuff.. watch Gilmore Girls, and just be totally self absorbed.. I wasn’t even allowed that luxury.. This morning, my dad came in with my cat.. which was quite a rude awakening in itself.. but then.. he proceeded to do the whole “boyfriend/marriage” thing.. Argh.

I’m not in a very good place emotionally right now.. the things I want and the things I have are completely different.. I don’t know.. Give me a couple of weeks, hopefully when Auntie Flo comes and goes, I’ll be in a better place..

In the meantime.. apologies in advance..

T-shirts and Thieves…

I was really excited when I checked the mailbox this morning.. and I saw two of those parcel collection cards with my name on it.. *squee!*

Well, at least one of my parcels arrived intact.. one was an envelope containing a piece of jewelry that I ordered from the States.. but apparently the envelope was slit, and the item was  stolen.. *sigh* I’m pretty upset..and I have to register a claim with the vendor..

On the upside though.. My t-shirts from Dieselsweeties.com have arrived! YAY! I ordered three geek shirts.. (yeah, cos I am..) I added a note when I was paying for them , to Mr. Stevens that i was a great fan, and I bought his “Chewie is my Co-Pilot” t-shirt before the run finished.. and Guess what, he signed a comic-book for me.. “Hooray for Alexis*, the only DS reader in Brunei!” AAAAAaaaaaHHHHHHhhhhh! I am so fangirl now! It has really made my day.. I can’t wait to put one of them on later.. hehe..

Dieselsweeties RULE! and so Does R. Stevens…

I am ten ninjas…

*sniffle, sniffle*

My voice is slightly raspy, my nose is dripping.. and the back of my throat feels prickly.. No doubt about it.. I am sick..

But I still wanna go to the gym today because I am stubborn. And in case someone I haven’t seen in a while drops by.

I keep telling myself, now isn’t the time to get sick.. I have my Tri-Distance.. I have a feeling that it may be the sudden surge in activity and and the fact that I was pretty tired for most of the week that did it.

I know I should give my body a chance to rest.. but I’m just gonna do my best for the rest of the day.. and then allow myself the rest tomorrow.. Besides.. the symptoms are all from the neck up, and it’s still in the early stages.. I can still do moderate exercise.

Yeah.. I’m crazy.. but what are ya gonna do about it?

I miss you, though I shouldn’t..

My heart is stubborn and won’t let go..  my head knows better and says that I should move on..

It’s unfortunate that I’m the kind of person who thinks with my heart.. rather than my head..  I rush headlong into things, and hurt myself a lot in the process..

I know I should think things through.. but when I feel it.. it’s like a fire consumes me and I can’t think straight.. alarm bells may be ringing in my brain, but the heart conquers all..

I admit to being so passionate and fiery, but that is who I am..  When things like that are such a huge part of yourself.. it’s hard to change..

Which is why, I’m willing myself to change.. I want to my heart to listen to my head, instead of the other way round..

I don’t want to hurt, and keep hurting.. because I feel so much for someone.. it burns..

And I don’t want to hurt someone else again..

But when the heart wants what it wants, what do you do? How do you tell it to stop wanting, yearning and burning?

You can’t.. you just wait.. and hopefully in time.. it will heal, and forget.. until then.. you keep on living..

This is love, and this is heartache..

Come back soon, Puppy…

Puppy with the bestest hugs in the world will be gone for a few months.. *sigh* I almost didn’t want to let him go earlier when at Alladdin.. I had to because I was suffocating him.. I was going to cry..

I offered to break his arm or a leg for him.. so that he wouldn’t have to leave.. but he has appendages of steel.. and I don’t think the chairs at Alladdin would quite do it..

There’s gonna be quite a big empty space at the table for a while..

It’s almost like the changing of the guard though.. Didi will be back soon.. I can’t wait to see him.. It’s been too long.. I hope he brought me home something.. hehe.. Preferably a hot man.. but any small thing will do..

Wow.. it’s almost the end of March already.. I got back here in July, and I feel so settled and considerably happy.. I have lots of friends.. new and old.. and it’s so amazing..

I was hanging out with some of my ghey posse tonight.. Lovely Des cooked.. It was oh, so fabulous… I stuffed myself.. and surprisingly well, despite the fact that my personal trainer, Ian was present.. hehehe..

I saw my other darling, Razi at the gym.. he’s been busy.. and it was the first time I saw him in ages.. We should hang out sometime hun, the three of us… I’ve missed you both..

So anyway, I’m off to bed now.. I’ll have the luxury of sleeping in ’til the Glorious hour of 7.30 am tomorrow.. it’s not much, but it’s heaven for someone who’s been waking up at 6.30 these past few mornings just for the School Holiday Programme.. as much fun as it was, I will miss those kids.. just not anytime soon.. hehehe

Right.. night y’all, hope all is right in the world with you..

And to dearest Puppy.. be safe, take care.. and we’ll see you very, very soon.. We love you..

Comfort..

To hear the words, “I’m here if you want me to be..” made me feel a warmth that I had long missed..

I know that he has no idea what he’s getting himself into by involving himself with me.. I am a person fraught with inner turmoil, suffering and emotional baggage.. and the whole package is probably a whole lot more than he can handle..

But to overlook it all.. to accept me.. my mistakes; past and present, to see through the tough exterior and know that inside is frail and weak, to receive with open arms again despite the things I did to him recently.. I feel blessed.

He knows that my heart isn’t his to claim, yet.. and he knows that there is a chance he can’t make me complete.. but he will try..

And knowing that he will, it gives me hope to live and love another day.

Being human.. we always feel like there is a missing piece to us.. that we are not whole, unless there is someone to love utterly and completely.. I’ve discovered, we sometimes don’t need to be loved back.. to love is enough..

But to be loved back is bliss..

He knows that though there are pieces missing in our puzzles, he accepts that maybe we’re not each other’s missing piece.. he accepts that the fit is not quite right.. but he also knows, that sometimes, maybe we shouldn’t wait for the perfect piece.. maybe we can make the perfect piece..

Time and love will tell..

For now, he accepts fondness and affection.. and I am probably one of the luckiest women on the planet.. that he is humble and wise enough to know all these things..

Because you knew I needed it..

Zz called me at lunch today when I was alone in the office.. I was so tired, I could barely speak.. in fact, I just sat there.. with the phone to my ear.. we listened to each other breathe for a good ten minutes.. I like that we don’t have to say anything to each other all the time.. Though I’m probably one of the least silent people on the planet..

Finally he broke the silence.. “Your hair is pretty today..”

I laughed.. “How do you know that?”

“Because I feel it..”

I let it sink in.. “Thanks.. I needed that.”

” I know..”

Like High School all over again..

I was at the gym tonight for a late personal training session.. I was hoping to catch someone there.. but he didn’t show.. I hung out with my old classmate D, instead.. we were swapping kid stories, and comparing Tri-Distance scores and what-not..

As I was taking my sweet time in the shower, I heard three distinct voices in the locker room.. At first, I wasn’t listening to what anyone was saying.. but then I heard a couple of things about people I care about.. I paused to listen to what they were saying..  Then the conversation turned even nastier.. I heard a couple of things being said about me.. I should have just stepped out at that moment and confronted whoever it was.. but instead, I just stayed in the shower until they left. I just couldn’t face whoever it was.. I felt attacked, and without cause..

I wanted to cry.. not because of the nasty things I heard about myself.. but the things they were saying about my friends..  I needed a hug, a real good one..

For some reason, I felt like driving out to Alladdin.. I needed a shisha.. I just wanted to be out to clear my head instead of heading straight home.

It was probably lucky that I did go.. Puppy was there with two of his friends.. Anyone who knows Puppy knows he gives the best hugs.. EVER! I felt a little better after that.. and I hung out with them for a while.. just to keep my mind of things..

Whoever it was.. I’m kinda mad that I didn’t confront them.. People can say stuff about me.. sticks and stones.. but people who say stuff about my friends.. HATE THEM.

Well, next time. I’ll probably figure out who they are.. if they’re fairly regular at the gym.. their voices were pretty loud and distinctive. So whoever you are.. You better watch your back.. You mess with my friends, you mess with me.. and I’m Wonder Woman…

Fun School : Day 3

We’re past the halfway mark now.. Only one full day left, and presentation day on Friday.. And the kids have just about taken it out of me..

We had guests today..  my mom was lecturing upstairs to her students..  and they dropped by while I was having arts and crafts with my kids.. I think they were pretty surprised to see Learning Styles and Multiple Intelligences being implemented all in one.. Not purposefully though.. It was a happy accident which worked out.. thankfully..

Our other visitor was Green.. who dropped by long enough to see my kids dancing.. I was like proud mommy.. They’re finally getting their steps together, and they’re moving quite well.. I love the fact that my kids are so awesome.. even the naughty one is behaving now.. a little tough love can work small miracles..

Mr. Baboo was brilliant today.. I was stuck on activities for my kids in the morning.. and he came up with one on the fly.. The kids loved it..

Though I am kinda relieved that we have one more full day left.. at the same time it’s also kinda sad.. I’m getting attached to my little monsters..

100 minutes..

The longest hour and 40 minutes of my life..

I used the time to complete some of my Tri-Distance.. by calculations, I’ve managed to complete 7% and 10% of the set distances for two of my events.. my butt is sooooo sore.. and my legs.. damn tired..

I need sleep..

*snore*

Trouble in Paradise..

My class of perfect kids became a class of perfect horrors today.

All because of one child…

.. who shall remain nameless for the sake of his privacy.. But this awful child disrupted everything from minute one.. and by the second hour.. I had little kids coming to me, pulling my hand saying “Teacher.. he’s doing this.. Teacher, he’s doing that..”

It came to the point where I was forced to tell him to behave, or else.. an ultimatum I never expected to use on an 8 year old.. I had visions of ‘Supernanny’ and ‘the naughty step’ in my head as I had to discipline someone else’s child.

Siti and one of the other parents were telling me he was also a disruptive child in school.. my worst fears were confirmed that just this one child became too much to handle..

I’ve given him two stern talks.. and tomorrow, I’m gonna have a new set of rules, just to address this new disruption..

Overall though.. the kids still surprise me..  I never expected the words drug addict and oxycontin to come out while I was talking to some of the older kids after class.. It just shocked me that they even knew Oxycontin was a drug..

What happened to days of blissful ignorance? The fact that these kids are getting too smart scares even me.. and I’ve seen the ugly side of life..

I have to laugh though.. my mother sat in for ten minutes of the class, and she found 15 screaming kids, demanding lots of attention too much to handle.. I think she was gonna throw a fit at the disruptive kid.. As much as I would have liked to see, I know no child is ever gonna recover well from that..

I’m exhausted.. I’m gonna try and take a nap now.. need to recover for round 3..

Hit the ground running?

Green is right.. I don’t wanna go jumping into things.. But it all her infinite wisdom, she also says, I don’t wanna regret something later on..

It’s weird as we’re grow up, (which we still are) and we find ourselves in situations and relationships that make us question, are we really adult enough to make this decision.. but here’s the irony.. these decisions often come, because yes, we’re adults..

The air in the household has made a quick switch.. My dad often wakes me up in the morning, asking weird questions about boyfriends and marriage.. Me, too sleepy to have anything to retort or reply, I just cover my head with a pillow and moan from beneath it. Only last month, I was still his baby, and he didn’t want to hear anything about me having potential boyfriends.. this month.. it’s a 180.. it’s so weeeiiirrrrrdddd.

I think part of the reason may be as my sister’s due date gets closer.. and my parents are realising that they’re more grandparents than parents.. Green’s theory is that maybe he’s trying a new approach to things.. not that I mind… Much.. It’s just I haven’t had time to adjust to this new transition..But sometimes, you never get any warnings.. you just gotta roll with it..

It’s like my sister, after she gives birth, she’s gonna be a mom, an amazing one at that.. she and her husband are gonna have a little person, to love and cherish, teach and nurture.. and try to shape into the best person that they can..  But sometimes, in the little moments, I can see, as she’s clutching her husband’s hand.. and they exchange the briefest of glances.. There’s questions in her eyes.. “How am I gonna do this.. am I ready? I’m still not sure..”

Though the circumstances are different for me.. I am now asking myself the same questions.. My sister is far along the racetrack.. and I’m barely starting out.. and there’s fear in my eyes.. I have never been in a long-term relationship, yet, here I am ready to jump into a race that’s probably being written even before I have left the starting line. But sometimes you gotta take chances.. is my life’s motto not, “May You Live In Interesting Times..”  I’ll run.. but how I progress, I don’t know.. but I’ll never now unless I try..

And I’ll give it the best shot I can..

Some will say, this is not what I deserve.. or they say, I’m settling.. But sometimes.. you know.. when you’re tired of doing the searching and finding, and maybe the answer that you really want is not the right one.. but the one you are being offered can be..

I’m not rushing into things, any decisions I make will be well thought out and possibly a little while away..

It’s wonderful to have a second chance at something, and this time I will try and put my heart into it.

Love is - having someone who will wait for you to fall asleep before putting down the phone…

First Day Of School..

I was having mini panic attacks this morning.. worrying about whether I would be able to handle the kids..  the younger ones are alright.. but you worry about the older ones, because you don’t want them to be bored..

The programme didn’t go according to plan, as always.. as much as you try to plan things.. they never go exactly.. I feel lucky, because the kids I got were quite well behaved.. and it never fails to amaze me how creative they are.. or the wealth of their knowledge and the intelligence in their questions..

I guess, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be a kid.. it’s been a long while since I’ve felt that childhood innocence..

I have some mixed feelings on how they can be so trusting and loving towards other people..  I adore the kids.. but I know there are people in the world who would use that innocence to harm them.. and the superhero in me wants to protect them so much..

On the other side though.. if you don’t let them learn to fly, they will never soar.. The best thing to do, is to nurture them while you have them under your wing..

I am pretty tired, I did try to sleep early last night.. I woke up bolt upright this morning, panic set in… you know what was pretty cute though.. as I was wandering out of the bathroom, contemplating what to wear, I got a mini scare from my cat Latte.. hehe.. somehow he managed to get in the house, and find my room so early in the morning.. Just in case I couldn’t wake up, I have a furry alarm clock to answer to.. hehe..

Right.. now I have to find some strength and energy to get myself to the gym today..

Uneasy like Sunday Morning..

Up until yesterday noon.. we still had no confirmed kids for the school holiday programme.. I was beginning to feel a little despondent yet relieved.. Then Siti, our secretary, called to let me know we had.. 11! kids ready to go on Monday.. Yikes.. Double Yikes!

As eager as I am to take charge of this thing, I’m also quite nervous.. It’s one thing to babysit your cousins, or look after my nephews and nieces.. but quite another when you’re caring for other peoples kids, and they’re paying for it..

I’m at the office on a Sunday.. Yup, no rest for the wicked.. My office looks like some playskool monster just barfed up every concievable item you would ever need for arts and crafts.. and yet, I’m still not sure I have enough stuff to keep these kids amused.. Or how I’m gonna keep them from screaming and crying for their mommies.. or eating glue and barfing it all up on my shoes…

I have my list of activites, my arts and crafts materials, the snacks.. the back up..

I still worry..

Here I am, 25 years old.. and I’m in charge of maybe 12-15 kids.. I’m no pied piper.. I really don’t know how I’m gonna do this.. and here’s the stupid thing.. at the back of my mind, I’m still thinking about my Tri-Distance thing, and how I’m supposed to get at least 5 miles in.. when I really have no time to hit the gym today…

I don’t know how to do this…

From Sloth to Wannabe Slayer..

Looking back only 5 months ago, I finally started out at the gym, and the fear and terror of being laughed at and/or being teased about being unfit and ugly haunted my nights and days, until it delayed my entry into the gym..

That me would have never expected to be the me now, five months later, flexing and feeling like some vain female bodybuilder..

I have to admit, I am in the best shape ever.. My jeans and my favourite Aeropostale pants don’t fit anymore.. They hang so loosely, I need to wear belts, lest I reveal the colour of my underwear to the world.. it’s a liberating feeling, it’s also frustrating, as my favourite pair of pants don’t fit.. I either need to go shopping or gain weight.. I really don’t think the latter is an option anymore.. and the only place worth shopping is New York! which is about 5 months away.. *sigh*

I’m going to allow myself a post about my vanity now.. my arms: amazing.. Those biceps are growing.. and it is so awesome.. when I flex, and I note with satisfaction that hard muscle that was not there just 2 months before.. it is so fcuking cool..

I can feel my abs.. as I clench.. and I feel that hardness just underneath the layer of fat.. it gives me hope.. To think just before.. I could barely do 10 sit-ups. I can do 100 reps.. and not just on it’s own either.. I can do it back to back with other exercises.. I am so pleased..

Though my push-ups are still shallow, and I prefer to do the modified version over the full version, I know I can do about 7 full ones on one leg. Yeah..

As for chin-ups and pulls ups, I’m not quite there yet.. but you know what, I discovered I can hang on to a bar for a full 20 seconds, suspending my full body weight. Previously.. I could barely hang on for 3. This is such a vast improvement. Eventually I will be strong enough to do those pull-ups.. and I will reach my goal of being able to do 5 chin-ups. I still have the rest of the year to get there.. With Ian, I believe anything is possible.. he transformed me into fitness machine I am now.

I’m still scared to take pictures now.. because sometimes I worry that my transformation has been an illusion and if I compare them to the old pictures, I won’t see much difference.. I know those fears are unfounded.. but the fears of being overweight have been there for so long.. it’s hard to give them up. I’m still today haunted by my cousins taunts of “Fat Elephant..” when I was a chubby child..

But I have discovered that by going to the gym, I am slowly defeating my old demons.. The sweat, pain and tears I invest at the gym, melts away the insecurities.. and though the changes may be small to some, it has made a difference to me.. My confidence has grown.. though there are days, I feel like my ego is at the bottom of my shoes.. I flex.. and well, I feel the rewards..

I’ve unfortunately developed the narcissistic habit of checking myself out in every mirror now.. giving myself a quick flex and a wink just to make sure that the body in the reflection is mine.. with 5 months of investment behind me.. I feel it was worth it.. all the pain, sore days.. and even the whining..

I may whine when I workout.. I damn well do the work.. Ian may be the trainer and is the one telling me to do all these things, but I’m the one doing all the lifting, pushing, pulling.. and the extra reps.. On Thursdays, there is no Ian, there’s just me and my notebook.. and I do my best to follow my workout almost religiously..

Though Ian encouraged me to join the Tri-Distance Challenge, it’s me that wants to win it.. I am giving credit as credit is due.. I did the work.. and now, I am starting to show results…

Who know, maybe in another 5 months.. maybe that 6 pack will be showing.. I’m not gonna delude myself into thinking that I’ll be anywhere near Gerard Butler, Chris Evans, Ryan Reynolds or even a Jolene Blalock.. but to see even the tiniest shadow of a six pack would be so worth it..

For now, I am pretty happy.. I’m in awesome shape.. I just gotta keep going.. maybe one of these days I’ll finally graduate from the likes of Wannabe to Slayer..