The Turning Point :.

It’s rapidly reaching the 3 month mark for me and Zz. And it’s fast bearing down on me like a rampaging elephant, do I stand up to it or bolt?

In my history of past relationships, the three month mark is the most critical. It’s about that time, I kinda almost go nuts. It’s not because I’m commitment phobic, but it’s more of the element of the unknown of never having reached past it that makes me uncomfortable and nervous, like what next? Three months is nothing to most people. To me, it’s huge. Most of the time, I don’t get past the three month mark. Even when I was with Dom, at 3 months, I went nuts and pushed him away. We got back together after that. It was almost three months later I found out he slept with his ex during Christmas break and I was back home in Brunei moping about him. Yeah, three months can be a bad time..

But I don’t want this relationship to be just another one in a long string of bad ones. Zz and I are trying to make it work despite the distance and all the crazy shit. And we’ve been great so far. I know early on this year, I was a little psycho and undecided.. but now things are calmer between us, and we’re supporting each other so well.. it’s time to think about the what next part..

Well, actually, we know what the next part is.. we’ve talked about it.. We’re old enough, we’ve known each other for yonks.. and the feelings have always been there, y’know.. It makes sense, that the next big step would be a union.. It’s not like we’re 16 and stupid and I’m having a baby out of wedlock.. He’s actually working, and I got my own thing going.. I mean, come on, I better snag the guy before he discovers all my bad habits and realises that I like to wear mismatched p.j’s that don’t look the least bit slinky or glam..

But in all seriousness, I think Zz and I know what we want. We want someone to share our lives with, to come home to, to have family with.. We’ve already found each other, and now is a good time.

Don’t worry, we’re not gonna elope or something tomorrow.. I’m just saying, yeah, I’m just about ready.. but first gotta get over a couple of hurdles.. That is.. this three month mark thing, and the whole proper ‘Meet the Parents.’

So I made a deal with Zz… I set a date sometime in the near future that if I haven’t turned into Bitchzilla and made life a living hell for Zz, we’ll take the leap of faith, and get him and his parents over here and have a big ol’ dinner where we spill the beans and get a big sparkly on my finger. Yup. In a way, I think both of us feel relieved.. me cos it gives me wiggle room in case I go slightly psycho.. and Zz can sit back and just focus on work instead of worrying that his girlfriend is gonna apparate outta his life.. Relationships, y’know.. gotta make them work somehow..

I’ve been delving a lot into me lately.. I can’t help it.. I’ve been spending a lot of time alone.. helping babysit, and working on some new projects for my mom’s company which I personally am in charge of.. Quite a few responsibilities suddenly piled on me.. You gotta love the baby tbough.. from his stinky diapers to his little tantrums, to his cute coos and just awesome sweet moments.. I can see my sister and brother in law are just loving every minute. Yesterday, at less than two months, h said ‘Mama.’ Heard it loud and clear. He’s gonna be a smart ‘un. I just know it.

Can’t help but be baby crazy these days. I honestly am seriously thinking about a family of my own. I know most people think that I’m crazy and nutty and probably too unstable to start having my own kids.. But those people only know the fantastic facade I put up, and don’t know the real me.. If you did know the real me, you’d think I was right moody and nerdy.. and just plain weird. But that’s really who I am.. and that’s the me Zz knows. I am grateful because he didn’t run for the hills screaming once he realised that the happy-go-lucky girl is just the pretty picture I paint for the world.

Totally beyond the stage where I need to compete in the shallow world of ‘Who’s got the latest designer handbag,’ or ‘the friend-du-jour.’ I’m finally comfortable just being who I really am.. really bad p.j.s, fugly bed hair, flat butt, geekness and all. I don’t have to worry about trying to look like a million and a half bucks, because I got someone who loves me who’s not afraid to let me be myself.. bad jokes, urkel laugh and all.. It’s not like I’m gonna let it all hang out, y’know.. I’m dating a seriously well-groomed, polite, intelligent, cultured and well-travelled gentleman.. Kinda makes you wonder why he’s going out with someone like me.

I did ask him once though.. a couple of months back.. when we were still having teething problems and I was being stupid. What he said made me think twice about being with him.. He said, ” If I wanted a pretty, made-up, perfect girl, I could date any girl in KL. They’d be shallow, unopinionated and close minded. I want someone who’s unique, unafraid to express herself and someone I can talk to about anything, and that’s you.” I remember the sweetest thing he said after that. He still remembers this one time we went clubbing with his sister and a few of my rather ‘interesting’ friends at ‘Down Mexico Way.’ I was rather wasted, and I just wanted to have the time of my life.. so I started grabbing random people in the club and dragged them to the dancefloor. When I was done, even though I was dancing like a moron.. I managed to fill the floor up.. Not that I remember much of this.. but Zz did very well.. and even with all his years of stage experience, he said he would have never done anything like that.. It’s sweet that he still finds something special in my stupidest moments. You know that man’s a keeper.

Whedon on auction! (Flan Rant Part II) :.

AUGH!!! For the Merciful Love of …..

The Whedon himself…  on eBay.. could anything be any cooler? (Well, Hayden Christensen in my bed would be top of my list..  but anywayyyy.. )

Click on the image for more details.

San Diego, I hate you!

Man, this is like.. the 3rd time today I’ve been really disappointed..

First of all, I was the last to know about one of my special peoples coming back home. And that person has met with everyone but me. I no feel speshul no more.

2ndly, I found this heinously cool shirt on eBay, ‘It’s Not The Jedi Way,’ and the seller don’t ship overseas. I cried, begged and cajoled. To no avail… *sigh*

And the third and the biggest one would be the above thingy…

Oh for bleedin’ %$#&!!! sakes…

Powers that be, it ain’t that I’m ungrateful for all y’all blessings and stuff.. but y’know.. I’m just waiting for the shitstorm of the last 7 years to pass over, and it looks like there ain’t no end in sight..  I’m just wondering.. if y’know.. you could send a few of those clear sky days my way.. I’d be mighty grateful, and some of us that have been suffering more than most would like to see the light at the end of the tunnel, cos there sure ain’t been one for so long..

Not what you think :.

When so many see through you,
They’ve stopped looking at you,
You feel forgotten, lost, alone..
Almost afraid, yet brave..
Fragile, yet strong..
Broken, yet together..
A lone nomad stranded in the desert,
Bowing to the winds that can never be tamed.

Guestlist Me UK are a thorn in my backside :.

If you guys, like me, once upon a time, attended all the hip parties in London,  got invited to the big events, it’s highly likely you guys got asked by some pretty lady/hot man to join their mailing list. All you had to do was give them your name and e-mail address and/or phone number and they would let you know about the hottest events and best parties and all you had to do was to RSVP to get your name on the Guestlist, and your weekend entertainment was sorted.

Flash forward to now: I’m old (and I use the term loosely), and I don’t wanna party no more, and I’m no longer in London. I figure..  time to clear out my inbox, because among all the business correspondence, I’m still getting all these e-mails from Tesco, Dorothy Perkins, Topshop, about sales and promos and from Guestlist Me UK about parties in Pangaea, Funky Buddha and all these places, and how who’s gonna be at what event, and I should ‘be there or be square!’

So everytime one of those mailings gets in, I click that little unsubscribe link at the bottom of the e-mail, and I’ve done that for Tesco, Topshop etc.. and they don’t bother me no more.. Yay..

However.. with Guestlist Me UK, it’s been quite a hassle. They send mailings out every week on Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. I have sent e-mails back with ‘Unsubscribe’ in the subject line for weeks now. And yet they still send them! NO MORE! PLEASE! It’s come to the point where I have to send e-mails with really violent subject lines in all caps like : UNSUBSCRIBE ME NOW YOU BASTARDS OR I’LL SEND KITTY POOP TO YOUR OFFICE, or my personal favourite : FOR THE LOVE OF GOD UNSUBSCRIBE ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS MAILING LIST IS MORE ANNOYING THAN A ROOT CANAL! before they take any notice.. and even then I still have to do the crapshoot ’send e-mail with unsubscribe in subject line.’

My warning to y’all : if someone asks, ‘Do you wanna join our mailing list?’, look them sternly in the eye and ask, ‘How easy is it to unsubscribe from it?’

Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

Sad :.

A friend of mine from the UK e-mailed me today telling me that one of my former charges at Wood Green Nursing Home had passed on. I know death is very much a part of life, I know that we all have our own ticking clocks, some of them going faster than others.. But death never fails to affect me so deeply.. from school friends, to relatives.. to people I have reached out to.. hearing about their untimely calling back to God strikes me so deeply.. sometimes it hurts..

I used to do volunteer work while I was in the UK. It was a great because it made me feel wanted and needed, and I got to meet people from all walks of life. One of the places I was assigned to was the Wood Green Nursing Home.. since it was on route, I made a point to stop for an hour or two, sometimes staying until late! just to keep the old folks company. They had amazing stories, showed me really great things.. and made me feel like family, despite the fact that I was a stranger in a foreign land. I think they were impressed by the stories about Brunei more than anything.

One of those very special people who shared their time with me was Lyndell. Lyndell was this spritely lady, who seemed to have a say about everything. She was very eccentric.. often asking me to snag some cigarettes for her on her way in, and asked me to prepare her ‘medicine.’ (I use that term loosely now, because I now realise what it really was!) and I now have the biggest smile on my face with tears in my eyes for that loud old biddy. She used to berate me for sounding like those damn ‘buggery’ Americans and her hands were so stiff from arthritis, I actually had to hold her cards when she played bridge. Sometimes she have those moments, missing her grandchildren, and she’d just want me to sit on the floor, her hands in my hair. It was sad but sweet. The old are often forgotten there, and not valued or cared for as much as they are in Asian Society.

Lyndell passed on about a week and a half ago. They had her funeral on Sunday.I didn’t know her for very long, but she’s one of those strong personalities you will always remember. I wish her peace and that all her suffering that she was living with while on this earth is lifted.

I know that there’s no way that I could have been there.. but I hope someone she loved or loved her was there with her when she passed. That’s the one thing I wish for everyone. We may be alone in the grave, but we don’t have to die alone.

Lyndell, Rest in peace, and thank you for your good life.

I’m sorry you’ve been a jerk too :.

Zz *FINALLY* called. I knew that patience would pay off.. and a *subtly* worded e-mail.. It’s amazing what the threat of running away with Hayden Christensen to elope in Las Vegas will do…

It’s not that I want to be a bitch or anything… It’s just two weeks without talking to my boyfriend is waaaayyyy too long.. especially the way I’ve been feeling lately.

Even the conversation was short and sweet, I got the reassurance I needed.

Listen boys, it’s not that we women are insecure psychos who assume that you’re cheating on us the second that we have our backs turned.. (wait.. well, I speak for myself when I say that..) It’s just that the way we’re programmed emotionally, we do need a bit more reassurance. Once a month when I go hormonal, my behavior does tend to go borderline psycho..  but that’s not my fault.. blame biology. But yeah.. when you’re away from your girl, she can’t help but feel lonely, because her emotional needs are not being fulfilled.  You know those things like hugs and kisses, holding hands, or the way that Zz likes to stroke my hand when we’re sitting together.. physical contact means a lot.. so being away from boyfriend.. it just makes it feel a lot emptier..

Zz thought that a 5 minute phone call was really not worth the cost, especially when we usually talk for hours on end.. It wasn’t the quantity I needed.. I want that 5 minute phone call because if I don’t get to touch my boyfriend on a daily basis, the least I should get is to hear is his voice.. and let me tell you he has one of the sexiest voices in the world.. especially when he sings down the phone to me.. *sigh* I just positively melt..

All better now! Things are finally calming down at work, and he’s really enjoying what he’s doing.. Even though the demands are huge, and sometimes the hours are long.. He’s feeling much more appreciated.  I’m really happy for Zz..  And  now that he’s whipped I feel a lot better too.. Just kidding!

Anyway.. tomorrow’s Monday.. I’m gonna try and get some sleep.. this tooth of mine is making me a helluva lot cranky too..

The Thousand Dollar Tooth :.

I just went to the dentist today.. Now I’m out 1k. Yup. Well, that’s what a root canal at JPMC will cost ya. I’m not complaining though, the specialist did great work. Minimal pain, and I’m able to eat after.. Mahal tu yo… dapat makan atu..

I have an insane fear of needles.. Hearing the dental drill makes me want to faint. I had some bad experiences when it comes to dental work. One time, I had to be given G.A in order for the dentist to give me a Local because I was so nervous about the needle coming near my mouth, I actually bit him. Hard. I believe there was a ripped rubber glove.

The Specialist at JPMC is actually a Professor at N.U.H in Singapore, so you know you’re in good hands. Dr. Seng will talk you through everything he does, and tries to minimize pain wherever he can. I’m not saying it wasn’t painless, but it was tolerable. Although I daresay that once the local wears off, I’m going to be cursing a helluva lot, but I’m taking some precautions.

I was having the time of my life in the dental chair. They had MTV on, it was some Fall Out Boy special, so there I was rocking out.. humming away.. which I think amused the Doctor and the nurses somewhat. He made me promise that I wouldn’t bob my head to the music while he was doing some drill work. I just waggled my feet instead. I can’t help it. Good music moves me.

Right, I’m going to nap now. Feeling a little woozy…

Welcome back ye Londoners :.

Summer’s officially here.. well.. for me anyway… It means that some of my favourite people are back home.. and I have more friends to play with..

Tonight I hung out with one of my favourite couples in the world.. The double I. Oh man.. It was just like old times, when we were back in London.. you know the conversation that doesn’t go stale.. and it was a good mix of intellectual and gossip..

We kept on touching on the old skool subject.. But that’s because those were really good times.. Those were the days where we were carefree.. and really, it felt like the world was our oyster..

It’s not that it isn’t now, but it’s just that times have changed a little for me.. and I’m making that scary transition called ‘growing up.’ My headspace is filled with more work-related things, and plans and ideas for a family life.. At 25, I’m nowhere near old, but I’m older. I’m not naive, idealistic, ballsy, invincible and carefree as I once was, and for a second, I thought I envied I & I, because they still could go back to London.. but I realised, it was just me missing something I once had..  When I heard the stories of someone whom I thought I respected making a damn undiginified fool of herself.. I realised.. I’ve lived those days.. I had my adventures, big and small, and I’m ready to move forwards, not move backwards.
I left the Island of hedonistic pleasures.. and though it’s nice to visit sometimes, I know I live in the real world now.

I & I were telling me things were not as they once were, and I guess, I really lived in the Golden Age. He was telling me he lived a calmer life, and she was more focused on the study side of things. In their on way.. they’re on the stepping stones to growing up..  Small baby steps compared to the big steps I’m taking, but they’ll get there in their own time.

I’m happy.. I got to see a couple of good friends and reminiscence..  That’s the way things should be. I’m really happy where I am now.. difficulties, hard ball, boring life and all.. I’m ready to take the next step.. Now I just have to be patient and wait for when my darling is ready too.

I don’t miss London that much, Brunei Hall even less.. I just miss the people the most.. because they were the ones whom I made the memories with, but they’ll be back soon enough.. in dribs and drabs. Until then I can wait.

So Welcome home you guys.. I hope to see more of you in the days to come.

All Hail The Whedon! :.

It’s Joss’ birthday today.. I was gonna honour the great master by staying in and having a total Whedon-fest.. Watching Firefly, Serenity, Toy Story, and dig out my old VHS Season 1 & 2 of the Buffster. But as it turned out.. I have other plans now.

It seems that some of the sellers on eBay have cottoned on to this fact, and started selling some great stuff..

There’s an auction for a brand spanking new ‘Firefly’ Promo crate with all sorts of cool goodies… These are hard to find because they were sent out as promos for the then new series.. All proceeds go to Equality Now, one of Joss’ favourite causes. I’d give my eye-teeth to get my hands on it.. Heh.. geddit? Eye-teeth? Vampire? Anyone? *sigh* Nvm..  Clickies here to check it out.

For those collecting the Serenity comics :

1) A signed Bryan Hitch Jayne Cobb Variant.

2) A Summer Glau signed River Tam Variant.

3) A set of 1-3 Serenity Comics w/ Cast signed poster. 

There’s also a crew jacket, an Adam Baldwin signed Serenity t-shirt, and other great stuff.. If you’re a Firefly-Serenity collector, it’s worth taking a few minutes to search for this stuff to add to your collection.

Meanwhile, in Browncoat friendly places in the ‘Verse, they’re holding screenings of ‘Serenity’ and ‘Can’t Stop The Serenity’ events… *sigh* in honor of Joss’ birthday and to raise money for ‘Equality Now.’

So whatever you’re doing, I hope you’re having a great day. Joss.. Happy Birthday..

If only :.

If the world were run my way..  the male population would all be blue eyed, and dark haired, talk in Southern accents, and they’d only want gutsy girls, with balls… and don’t mind the fact that their girlfriend’s weightlift.. And they would all have manners because if they leered or made rude remarks.. a pen would jab them in their sensitive man parts…

There’d be sales everyday.. The stores would take in upon rotation to have a sale.. And credit cards.. if you spent in a sale.. you’d actually get the difference put into your bank account..

Fat free versions of everything would actually taste good..

They’d have separate gyms for wannabes and people serious about working out.. And everyone who signed up for a trial membership would have to wear ugly yellow t-shirts that say ‘Trial’ and  get second dibs for everything..

Power cages would be available in pink, and because they were in that colour.. they’d be less than half price for anyone who dared to buy one..

You could tap into the internet with your brain.. and play games that way too..

One day a week, men would be required to pamper their wives/girlfriends – draw a bath, wash their hair, mani/pedi,  massage and then finish off with VS lotion.. and make sweet, sweet love afterwards.. and not fall asleep until their partners say so..

If only..

Deafening silence :.

I woke up with this distinct dullness in my right ear. You know how your brother blasting music through his wall sounds like? Only without the music.. it was like.. just muffledness, like someone had stuffed my ear full of cotton wool.

It wasn’t even tinnitus, it was just muffled.

That was the same explanation I gave the doctor this morning. He looked at me funny, and asked me if there was ringing in my ears. I looked at him like he was a quack. Family doctor for 25 years, he said that I was stressed, sent me off with a little packet of pills to help me sleep. Not that I mind.. I like pharmaceuticals. They’re my 3rd favourite recreational.

The ear cleared up later in the day.. like someone turned the volume back up suddenly. I wondered if maybe I was going crazy.

I want a manicure, pedicure, to lie my head in my boyfriend’s lap while he strokes my hair, to go blonde and maybe a boob job..

The Long Way Home – Buffy Season 8 :.

Fortunately, when Buffy The Vampire Slayer finished it’s televised run, it would not be the last that we would hear from the world’s favourite Slayer..

Joss Whedon, working with Dark Horse Comics, is releasing Season 8, through the medium of comic books.. The first story arc, ‘The Long Way Home’, was just completed on June 8th, and I received my set of 11 Buffy comics yesterday.. I had ordered all the different variant covers, because they are so amazingly beautiful..

Unsettled :.

If birds flying south is a sign of changes
At least you can predict this every year.
Love, you never know the minute it ends suddenly
I can’t get it to speak
Maybe finding all the things it took to save us
I could fix the pain that bleeds inside of me
Look in your eyes to see something about me
I’m standing on the edge and I don’t know what else to give.

I think I’m happier when I’m busy and/or tired.. My brain doesn’t think as much, and I’m so focused on other things, that I don’t start cooking up nasty scenarios…

It’s been 2 weeks.. 2 long weeks since me and Zz have talked. *sigh* I’m beginning to wonder if I should throw a tantrum or something.. because it’s been too long…

I’m tired of playing the ‘understanding supportive girlfriend.’ I need some attention, dammit!

Yet, I don’t want to pile on anymore stress on Zz.. *sigh..*

Meanwhile.. my sub-conscious is playing mean tricks on my heart.. I’ve been dreaming about someone almost everyday this week.. Always the same dream formula.. That person is hurt/in trouble and I’m trying to save them, but I get stopped/blocked/lost in a maze.. What does it all mean? I don’t know.. But it makes me worry needlessly.. I wanna reach out and get in touch with that person.. but I’m uncertain that I’m welcome in their life..

I just want some peace.. real, inner peace.. Is that a lot to ask for?

The Long Week :.

In case you’ve been wondering why I’ve been MIA this past week, it’s because the school holidays are here, and we’ve been running activities for kids..

It was a harrowing 5 days, let me tell you.. i don’t think I would have made it if it hadn’t been for Green and Bubu..

I feel like I’ve aged quite a bit in these last few days..

But by the same token, I feel like I’ve done a lot for my kids.. I am really proud.. because they seem to have taken awy good experiences from this.. despite all the threats of fuzzy noses, blue feet, and getting on the naughty list…

I have a job that I love.. even though I complain about it a lot.. and it is hard work, and I get little or no reward for it.. But like any Teacher that truly loves their job, and really believes in what they’re doing.. The satisfaction of watching these kids spread their wings and fly is amazing.. What feels even better, is that when they come back to you as a trusted friend and confidante.. I wanna be that person.. I may be bad guy most of the time, someone has to be.. But one day I hope they will discover that under that ‘Oscar The Grouch’ exterior, I want so much for them, more than I can ever dream for myself..

Thundercats Live Action Film : Yay or Nay? :.

Calling all you children of the 80’s..

Thundercats was one of my favourite cartoons as a kid.. and I still could watch it now.. with a little cringe though..

However, turning it into a live action film? Hmm.. Jury’s out on that one.. I gotta see it before I really can believe in it..

Hopefully they will stay pretty true to the characters and not uber amp them up, like the way Michael Bay did for Transformers.. He practically ruined the experience for hard core fans..

Well, we still have some time to go before we actually see the film though.. Here’s to hoping they’ll do it justice.

See Article Here.