Breaking the silence :.

We interrupt this temporary lull in posts to bring to you a special message from this Blog’s author:

“Dearest readers,

Thanks for your kind words of support, and a few e-mails. I appreciate that you do not want me to stop writing. In fact, I haven’t. I’ve temporarily started a new blog at http://thesehonestlies.wordpress.com to record my thoughts and opinions, until I find myself worthy to search for serenity again. Perhaps maybe so in the new year.

Thanks again for those supportive messages. Santa already gave me my gift this year, great readers.

XxBB.”

Non-functioning Morning :.

The worst part about being involved with someone either near or far, is when you don’t hear from them for a few days, or hours, depending on your neuroses.

So I’m suffering one of those mornings when my brain won’t jump start to do anything because it all depends if I hear from a certain person, or not. *sigh*

At the rate things are going, I confess to enjoying things a little too much. Getting too dependent? Maybe. I’ve been too long and too far without the place where my heart truly belongs, so a closer distraction has been dropped in my lap for now. Though my guilt says I shouldn’t, that mini-me of irresponsibility and that birthday monkey on my back whisper and hiss in my ear to just enjoy myself before the inevitable date of doom.

I’m just going to enjoy myself for now. God knows, a girl needs a little fun every now and then.

The series you should be watching :.

Jericho. Jericho. Jericho.

Forget Lost. Forget Desperate Housewives. Jericho is it.

A town in the middle of nowhere surviving god knows what.

But damn.. it’s good.

More tomorrow.. I’m hopped up on drugs as it is..

Special to me :.

Happy Teacher’s Day to all the teachers out there.. especially to the ones who have bent my brain and moulded it in directions I never conceived of when I was a student under their tutelage.

The rest of this post is irrelevant to teachers, it’s about a person who happens to be a teacher, who holds a damn special place in my heart because of our friendship, as weird as it is.

He doesn’t know how damn special he is.. and maybe it should stay that way. But he knows how much he means to me, I told him so.. many years ago, at Coffee Bean, when I told him I had a crush on him.

He knew all along of course, and he told me honestly, he just didn’t feel the same, but he told me that it was the bravest thing to do to tell him.. Of course I cried my eyes out in the car on the way home.. But, you know.. looking back, I appreciate that he was honest, and that he let me know that it was a  brave thing to do.

Our friendship has sort of cooled over the years, especially since that day.. but we remember each other on important days, like today, and on our birthdays, that are so close that it’s almost like we celebrate it together.

He is still very dear to me and though the feelings are not the same.. The love for him is still there, and now I only want him to find happiness.

For you, my friend.. though you will never know.. Happy Teacher’s Day. I love you. Take care.

Long Overdue :.

Dear Buffy,

It’s okay to dream big, but without action, dreams are merely dreams.

What have you been doing with your life lately except sleeping, eating and being a total zombie?

Yeah, you wanna go to New York and Sydney, Washington and Cairo, San Francisco and Vancouver..

But you can dream all you want and these things will never happen unless you DO.

Take a quote from Yoda, ” Try not. Do… or do not. There is no try.”

*Yoda comes in and smacks knuckles smartly with his stick*

“Take quotes you do not. Ask permission first.”

Okay, okay. Yoda, borrow your quote, may I?

“Mocking Jedi Master, are you?”

No sir, na-uh.. I would never..

*Yoda putters out*

So.. as I was saying Buffy.. Like the great granddaddy of them Jedi Masters says.. “Use the Force, Luke.”  Okay, I know, it wasn’t Yoda, it’s Obi Wan… But I digress..

My point is, if you want this amazing life you dream of..  You gotta take action.. Sam Carter probably didn’t get that smart by parking her butt and reading physics books all day.. And she probably wouldn’t have blown up a sun, or left the plans for the nahqahdah generator in just theorems and algorithms.

So you know what you have to do. The time to do it is now.

Yoda, Sam, the Scoobies and the Force are with you..

Love, Buffy.

Ultrabad Rhymes :.

Oh, the places I wanna go
The people I wanna meet
The oats I wanna sow..
The life I want, I will never know
Is all because of my limited cashflow..

Home Again :.

Though I’m happy to be home, it is twinged with sadness. The great summer romance(s) are over, and it’s back to the grind. I don’t have much to look forward to for the rest of the year.. Just count the days to my next great adventure.

The heart yearns for what it cannot have, but it smiles with the memory of the last day in the city I love.. a motorcycle ride, loving kisses, a sincere promise..  I can rest my head on my pillows tonight and dream sweetly of things just past.

It’s so crazy to think that half a world away, in a time zone 12 hours behind mine, there is someone who is dreaming of me, as I’m thinking of him. Life is sometimes a cruel creature with it’s twists and turns, but can also be very wise. I’m just trying to make sense of all of this right now.

Well, there’s not much for a girl to say right now. There are some things she should keep to herself, some she will share with friends, and the special things she shares with only one other person.

For now, I’m just going to unpack, enjoy looking at the things I’ve bought over the past few days.. Especially the 6 Seasons of Stargate SG-1 I couldn’t resist buying from Virgin Megastore.. HEHEHEHE! I was only going to buy Season 9 and 10, but when I saw that they were on sale.. and it was the Thin-Paks.. what was a girl to do, except.. buy, Buy, BUY!

I’ll just end it here for now. My friends, you know how to get in touch with me if you want to. Laters.

Encouraging words :.

Just when I feel like bits of my sky are falling down around my ears, there are really cool nice people who leave little comments on my blog that make me think, it ain’t so bad after all..

It’s hard moving forward on my own.. Not that I haven’t done it before.. But in my teenage years, I felt more invincible and confident with myself as I just ploughed through life with the gusto of a tornado, not caring who or what was in my way, or caring about the damage I left behind.

I’m older now, and perhaps more emotional.. I tend to care more about the feelings of others than for myself.. It’s become toxic.. You take on other people’s problems, without ever purging your own, and it’s just slowly killing you from the inside.. My sweetie of a friend pointed out to me earlier this week, “You always give 110% of yourself to people, never expecting them to give back the same.. which makes it unfair to you.” He’s right.

I’m slowly taking back control of my life. It’s been a long and arduous process.. I’ve had to let go of some friends.. and distance myself from others who I felt just weren’t taking my feelings into consideration.

It’s been a lonely road to walk, because I’m the kind of person that needs constant guidance and company.. but I needed to touch base with myself, and find out who I really am.

And I’m really liking it.

I remember an older brother figure sending me an e-mail that spoke volumes. ” There are friends for a time, friends for a season, and friends for a lifetime.” Friends for a time were supposed to help you through a difficult moment in your life. For a season, were to help you grow and move on to the next phase. Often, you don’t keep those kinds of friends, because they were there to help you when you needed them. I don’t think I need to explain what friends for a lifetime mean.

GymJane is right, Ian is one of those friends for a season. I’ve come so far with his help, but for the next stage, it has to be me. This is what growing up is all about. I may be 25, but I’m still learning on a daily basis what it means to grow up.

I’ve learned..  it’s okay to be alone sometimes. And that I need to give people space to breathe and grow too. That the world is not out to get me, though sometimes it feels like it. That sometimes growing up means growing apart. That change is hard, but it is also the best thing that can happen to you. That I don’t need to take the weight of the world on my shoulders. That it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. That I don’t need people as much I thinkI do. That I am a strong, unique individual, and I wouldn’t want to be anyone else.

I have a lot more lessons to learn, and there is that twinge of fear of the unknown. But I’m not going to let it stop me from living my life, full and happy.. I didn’t let it before, and I’m certainly not going to let it do so now..

Coming to terms :.

Our three month anniversary came and went. I was hoping that he’d have realised things by then and he’d be back. But the quiet is suffocating, and so is the denial.

So, here it is in the black and white : Zz and I are not together anymore.

I don’t know how it happened, or why.. But things just broke down between us. I always thought that I’d be the one to run.. And the way it turned out, it’s him and not me. The curse of the ‘3 month relationship’ lives on.

I’m numb in the sense that there’s no time for me to be sad.. I’m busy, so I guess that’s my savior for now.

I’m not angry at Zz.. I’m hurt, and disappointed.. It feels like when I was finally ready for everything, he just stopped. Is it just the thrill of the chase that gets him?

Disappointing Relationships this year : 2 , Buffy : 0

*sigh.*

It’s okay.. I have one healthy relationship that’s working for me now, and that’s between me and my gym.

I has Harry Potter!

That is all.

Sorrow :.

Life is a strange and unpredictable creature.. One minute you are celebrating your life, and the next you are mourning the end of someone else’s,,

I don’t know, I guess I am just shocked.. I barely knew this man, but he has helped my family greatly in the past couple of months.. He’s helped so many people in his long lifetime, and the stories he has to tell are as amazing as they are almost unbelievable..

I guess I just feel fortunate enough that he has been able to impart some knowledge to us, shared some of his amazing experiences, and help in whatever way he can..

Though I’m sad that he’s gone, there’s that part of me that knows, a very special man has been called back to God, and that he will have a place among the good people, for all the work he has done in his lifetime..

For this man, Al-Fatihah.

Testosterone :.

*Whump.* *THUD!*

A faceful of sweat-stained canvas, and that distinct pain screaming out from my left arm. My cousin has me pinned on the mat again, and I don’t really care that his sweat is dripping off his face onto my neck or that he’s breathing so hard, my ear feels the breeze. My only thought is that I have to get up, before the bell..

*DING!*

“I win, again.” He gives me that smirk that I’ve become so immune to over the years. Tonight it’s not about winning or losing.. it’s just about the fight.

In the ring, I’m not a girl, I’m not his cousin.. I’m his opponent.. and it feels good that those things don’t matter.. The ring is just a bunch of old musty mats on the floor of the basement. The referee is my uncle. The prize, nothing but gloating rights.

You have to ask why the hell am I allowing myself to get beat up, bruised up and getting absolutely massacred by my hulk of a cousin..

I can understand men and their need to fight now..  To fight, to grapple with another human being, lets the most primal part of your brain take over. You’re not really thinking, nor are you feeling.. You’re one with the animal inside. Animals don’t need to feel complex emotions, it’s all a survival instinct. All I want to do is grab my cousin and rub his face in those musty mats, by hook or by crook..

My knee is all bruised.. and my knuckles are bloody..  It’s nothing pretty.. but I’ve haven’t felt this good in a while. A grab and grapple by my cousin gets me by the arm, but I grab his shirt and it loosens his grip just long enough for me to get him in a headlock. Unfortunately he’s much stronger than me, and he lifts me off the ground and turns to a roll, and I’m on my back, with the lunkhead’s bulk practicaly bearing down on my ribcage.

Tomorrow, I’m barely going to be able to walk, and places that I didn’t know could hurt will hurt. But for now, I don’t care, I just want to stop feeling.. Even it means that I have to smell those sweaty mats..

Finding Serenity at the gym :.

No, not the Firefly class ship.. but a little slice of inner peace..

I went to Q-lap today.. and Ian really kicked my butt…  I haven’t done bench presses in a while, so I was disappointed that I could only decreasing sets with only the bar. However.. I did outlast my previous time on the treadwall. Note to self: must buy more stretchy pants if I want to do that regularly.

My forearms are aching something nastee.. I keep using my arms to pull myself up, instead of using my legs to push up the wall.. Oh well.. Learning.. but I’m gonna have bad-ass forearms and it will get me closer to that pull-ups goal.

Am really liking the new gym.. especially since I can warm up at the arcade in Kiulap before I start my work out… hehehe..

Right, Buffy’s had her week off..time to crack the whip again..

eBay :.

Since I’m a regular eBayer, I got asked today what some of the jargon there mean. Here’s the breakdown of the abbreviations.

NWT : New With Tags

NWOT : New With Out Tags

COA : Certificate of Authenticity

P/P : Preprint (usually applies to autographs) It’s a copy of an original. Not usually worth the purchase.

Tips on eBay:

Buying clothing – Unless it implicitly states that it is NEW, NWT, NWOT, the likelyhood is, it’s been worn or second hand. Please ask the seller if it doesn’t say. They are required to answer questions about their items for sale, and if they don’t, it’s not worth the purchase. No matter how much you want that ‘new looking’ Episode I Jar Jar Binks T-shirt.

Look out for lots – sometimes you can get lots of clothes, new ones, or a variety of grouped items for good low prices. Shipping is of course the killer, but sometimes it all works out. Try typing in ‘lot’ or ‘lots’ when you’re searching on eBay. I once found this lot for the Serenity Figures on the cheap. Really cheap. You’ll be surprised what you can find.

Combined Shipping – If you’re buying lots of items from one seller, make sure that they combine shipping. Because sometimes they don’t, and you’re stuck paying shipping for 3 or 4 items. If you’re not sure, ask.

Shipping Internationally – A lot of the time, the sellers only list United States as the area that they’ll ship to. It’s always worth asking if they do ship overseas, especially if you’re interested in several items. I’ve had great experiences with sellers when I asked, and one even threw in a pair of free Levi’s jeans with my order. Awesome.

Be polite – Very Polite. When inquiring about items, either about shipping, condition or quantity, or anything else.. do be sure that you are really polite in your correspondence. And write clearly and simply. The better that the sellers understand you, the more likely you’re going to get a positive reply. (See free jeans above!)

Caveat Emptor – In other words, ‘Let the buyer beware.’ Sometimes if it’s too good to be true, it probably is. Look at a seller’s feedback before buying. I know, it’s a pain to do it.. But checking out their track record will give you an idea of whether you want to purchase with them or not. I always recommend that if you see more than 5 negative feedback in the last 6 months, don’t buy from them.

Feedback – Always leave feedback after you receive the item. Even if it’s a month after the purchase. It’s better to leave feedback when you get your stuff, because once it’s on there, you can’t take it back. And you’ll be even more grouchier because that ‘new’ Jar Jar Binks shirt was worn and not washed!

If there are any other questions, please raise your hands..

That’s it for today class..

Lose to win… :.

I’m sure most of Brunei saw the armada of cars racing around, and the army of orange shirts marching around town.. Yup… The NBT Treasure Hunt was in full play today, and it was brilliant fun..

There were so many classic moments today.. like the boys breaking into song.. or getting snapped by the paps at every corner of Q-lap.. hehe.. Overall, it was a great experience.. even though we didn’t win…

I can’t wait to see the pictures come out.. I was snapped so many times, my face was so tired from smiling.. Hint to the treasure hunters next year, even if you have to wear the same shirt as everyone else, it doesn’t mean you have to look like the rest.. I made sure that I was VERY visible.. hehe

So visible in fact, someone I didn’t expect to see or say anything to me actually came over to talk..

I hadn’t seen Dian since that rude moment in Manggis Mall when he had the audacity to tell me, “Hey, who died and made you hot?” I was pretty cranky to be awake in the wee hours of the morning, and I was in a really weird mood..  I saw a few people that I knew in other teams, but when I saw him, the temptation was to go over and smack him. Hard.

You know that flood of feelings? The ones that just turn to rage, anger and tears all in one.. yeah.. I felt so much, and so little at the same time..

I may say that I don’t care about him anymore or that I could care less about him.. But that’s a utter and complete lie.. So when the hunt was over and I was outside taking a break from the excitement of the day, I was surprised that he wanted to talk over a cigarette.. my heart betrayed me in that little flutter at the pit of my stomach..

I’m still hurt over what he did.. I’m still angry that he ran away instead of talking out our problems and feelings.. I’ve lost a lot of respect for him, but to some degree, I still care about him.. That’s the problem with hist’ry, you may want to forget it, but you can’t erase it. It’s something we still share.. All those late nights, the times I’ve cried in his lap, the things we’ve done together.. It still means something to me.. and I guess it still meant something to him, when he came to me to talk.

I still can’t forgive him, and to be honest, I’m better off without him.. But to hear him admit to the things he did.. It healed a few of the wounds I’ve been walking around with. It felt so good to hug him, and to bury my nose in his familiar scent, and feel that amazing bear hug that let me know I was safe in the arms of someone I cared about..

My team may have not won anything today, but I still feel like I walked away a winner…