Archive for March, 2007

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Misery just wants to be alone..

March 25, 2007

Since last night, I was utter misery.. I just wanted to be left alone to sulk and be sorrowful.. and contemplate the sorry state of my universe…

Unfortunately, my family is in some sort of “Happy Families” mode, and though I wanted to be left alone, I was forced out to dinner last night at Sheraton.. all the coughing and sniffling in the world just didn’t work..

Today was even worse.. I just wanted to sleep the day away, and I was dragged along to have a family portrait taken.. I don’t know whether it’s just hormones or the fact that I miss someone so much that I feel that parts of me are starting to rot away.. but I had a mini fit as I was getting dressed.. I just wanted to be left alone.. I don’t want to put on a nice dress and pretend smile, and do things I just don’t even want to pretend doing..

I just wanted to roll around in bed.. eat nasty stuff.. watch Gilmore Girls, and just be totally self absorbed.. I wasn’t even allowed that luxury.. This morning, my dad came in with my cat.. which was quite a rude awakening in itself.. but then.. he proceeded to do the whole “boyfriend/marriage” thing.. Argh.

I’m not in a very good place emotionally right now.. the things I want and the things I have are completely different.. I don’t know.. Give me a couple of weeks, hopefully when Auntie Flo comes and goes, I’ll be in a better place..

In the meantime.. apologies in advance..

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T-shirts and Thieves…

March 24, 2007

I was really excited when I checked the mailbox this morning.. and I saw two of those parcel collection cards with my name on it.. *squee!*

Well, at least one of my parcels arrived intact.. one was an envelope containing a piece of jewelry that I ordered from the States.. but apparently the envelope was slit, and the item was  stolen.. *sigh* I’m pretty upset..and I have to register a claim with the vendor..

On the upside though.. My t-shirts from Dieselsweeties.com have arrived! YAY! I ordered three geek shirts.. (yeah, cos I am..) I added a note when I was paying for them , to Mr. Stevens that i was a great fan, and I bought his “Chewie is my Co-Pilot” t-shirt before the run finished.. and Guess what, he signed a comic-book for me.. “Hooray for Alexis*, the only DS reader in Brunei!” AAAAAaaaaaHHHHHHhhhhh! I am so fangirl now! It has really made my day.. I can’t wait to put one of them on later.. hehe..

Dieselsweeties RULE! and so Does R. Stevens…

I am ten ninjas…

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*sniffle, sniffle*

March 24, 2007

My voice is slightly raspy, my nose is dripping.. and the back of my throat feels prickly.. No doubt about it.. I am sick..

But I still wanna go to the gym today because I am stubborn. And in case someone I haven’t seen in a while drops by.

I keep telling myself, now isn’t the time to get sick.. I have my Tri-Distance.. I have a feeling that it may be the sudden surge in activity and and the fact that I was pretty tired for most of the week that did it.

I know I should give my body a chance to rest.. but I’m just gonna do my best for the rest of the day.. and then allow myself the rest tomorrow.. Besides.. the symptoms are all from the neck up, and it’s still in the early stages.. I can still do moderate exercise.

Yeah.. I’m crazy.. but what are ya gonna do about it?

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I miss you, though I shouldn’t..

March 24, 2007

My heart is stubborn and won’t let go..  my head knows better and says that I should move on..

It’s unfortunate that I’m the kind of person who thinks with my heart.. rather than my head..  I rush headlong into things, and hurt myself a lot in the process..

I know I should think things through.. but when I feel it.. it’s like a fire consumes me and I can’t think straight.. alarm bells may be ringing in my brain, but the heart conquers all..

I admit to being so passionate and fiery, but that is who I am..  When things like that are such a huge part of yourself.. it’s hard to change..

Which is why, I’m willing myself to change.. I want to my heart to listen to my head, instead of the other way round..

I don’t want to hurt, and keep hurting.. because I feel so much for someone.. it burns..

And I don’t want to hurt someone else again..

But when the heart wants what it wants, what do you do? How do you tell it to stop wanting, yearning and burning?

You can’t.. you just wait.. and hopefully in time.. it will heal, and forget.. until then.. you keep on living..

This is love, and this is heartache..

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Come back soon, Puppy…

March 23, 2007

Puppy with the bestest hugs in the world will be gone for a few months.. *sigh* I almost didn’t want to let him go earlier when at Alladdin.. I had to because I was suffocating him.. I was going to cry..

I offered to break his arm or a leg for him.. so that he wouldn’t have to leave.. but he has appendages of steel.. and I don’t think the chairs at Alladdin would quite do it..

There’s gonna be quite a big empty space at the table for a while..

It’s almost like the changing of the guard though.. Didi will be back soon.. I can’t wait to see him.. It’s been too long.. I hope he brought me home something.. hehe.. Preferably a hot man.. but any small thing will do..

Wow.. it’s almost the end of March already.. I got back here in July, and I feel so settled and considerably happy.. I have lots of friends.. new and old.. and it’s so amazing..

I was hanging out with some of my ghey posse tonight.. Lovely Des cooked.. It was oh, so fabulous… I stuffed myself.. and surprisingly well, despite the fact that my personal trainer, Ian was present.. hehehe..

I saw my other darling, Razi at the gym.. he’s been busy.. and it was the first time I saw him in ages.. We should hang out sometime hun, the three of us… I’ve missed you both..

So anyway, I’m off to bed now.. I’ll have the luxury of sleeping in ’til the Glorious hour of 7.30 am tomorrow.. it’s not much, but it’s heaven for someone who’s been waking up at 6.30 these past few mornings just for the School Holiday Programme.. as much fun as it was, I will miss those kids.. just not anytime soon.. hehehe

Right.. night y’all, hope all is right in the world with you..

And to dearest Puppy.. be safe, take care.. and we’ll see you very, very soon.. We love you..

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Comfort..

March 22, 2007

To hear the words, “I’m here if you want me to be..” made me feel a warmth that I had long missed..

I know that he has no idea what he’s getting himself into by involving himself with me.. I am a person fraught with inner turmoil, suffering and emotional baggage.. and the whole package is probably a whole lot more than he can handle..

But to overlook it all.. to accept me.. my mistakes; past and present, to see through the tough exterior and know that inside is frail and weak, to receive with open arms again despite the things I did to him recently.. I feel blessed.

He knows that my heart isn’t his to claim, yet.. and he knows that there is a chance he can’t make me complete.. but he will try..

And knowing that he will, it gives me hope to live and love another day.

Being human.. we always feel like there is a missing piece to us.. that we are not whole, unless there is someone to love utterly and completely.. I’ve discovered, we sometimes don’t need to be loved back.. to love is enough..

But to be loved back is bliss..

He knows that though there are pieces missing in our puzzles, he accepts that maybe we’re not each other’s missing piece.. he accepts that the fit is not quite right.. but he also knows, that sometimes, maybe we shouldn’t wait for the perfect piece.. maybe we can make the perfect piece..

Time and love will tell..

For now, he accepts fondness and affection.. and I am probably one of the luckiest women on the planet.. that he is humble and wise enough to know all these things..

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Because you knew I needed it..

March 22, 2007

Zz called me at lunch today when I was alone in the office.. I was so tired, I could barely speak.. in fact, I just sat there.. with the phone to my ear.. we listened to each other breathe for a good ten minutes.. I like that we don’t have to say anything to each other all the time.. Though I’m probably one of the least silent people on the planet..

Finally he broke the silence.. “Your hair is pretty today..”

I laughed.. “How do you know that?”

“Because I feel it..”

I let it sink in.. “Thanks.. I needed that.”

” I know..”