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New Beginnings

March 16, 2007

I was going to give myself a couple of days to properly mourn the Velvet, but as the day grew long, and I found my headspace crowded with thoughts, I felt like, I needed to find a new place to put them.

The name, not clever and original.. The place, strange and unfamiliar.. The thoughts, many and confusing..

I don’t know where to begin.. or how.. but I’ll just try..

My heart is really aching right now.. I miss them both.. those two who basically lit up my sorry existence.. I cared too much for one.. and the other I cared too little for. And now, I feel like I’ve lost them both, along with my beloved Velvet.

It’s entirely my fault.. if I had not let my feelings spiral out of control, if I had not led on when I should have been honest..

There are so many what if’s and why’s and hows..

So here I am, alone with my tears.. and I wish there was someone to wipe them away..

My story is, I have been alone and lonely for the longest time.. I have friends, I have my family, but I don’t have anyone to share my true joy, my pain, my fears.. and I long for that.. As a lonely soul, I feel so burdened, and sometimes, it’s harder than I can bear… Most times, I feel like I am more than enough to take it on.. but days like this, when I feel like I have lost everything.. That’s when I find.. truly, I am weak.

I know, I’m human… But I fancy myself as more than that. I want to be able to protect the world, and avenge, and be able to do so many things.. Maybe hence my obsession with weightlifting, and being physically strong..

I am Buffy, I am Wonder Woman.. I am Xena.. but I am also, just a girl, lost in this world, hoping to find her way, someday.

Though I am scarred by this experience, I’ve also discovered new things.. not just about myself.. but about those two.

I’ve found that I love too much. That my heart sometimes feeds off my soul, and I give of myself.. more than I should.

I found out that I was judged. That it didn’t matter that I was changing and growing up.. and I was trying to become a different and better person.. That the mistakes I made in the past I wanted to make amends for.. The words that haunt me when I start thinking of him.. “I didn’t drink.. I didn’t do drugs.. ” What hurts the most is that I still care about this person.. I just didn’t expect that my past mistakes (and current ones..) would be my downfall.. I guess there are things that I cannot, will not, and never be forgiven for.. no matter how much I try to change..

It’s a sad and sorry realisation. I don’t know who I’m more sorry for… Myself.. for being so utterly stupid.. or him.. for being unable to see anything beyond the past.

I am no angel.. I have lived a precarious life.. I have done things that I shouldn’t have.. But all this, would not make me the person who I am today.. I think of all the possible permutations my life path could have been… Had there not been M, I wouldn’t be such an adventurous person today, if not for Alex, I don’t think I would have been so open and accepting of people.. I am who I am because I have made those mistakes.. I’m not proud of my checkered past.. but I certainly don’t regret things..

I remind myself everyday.. that life/He only gives you what you can take.. and were I not that person.. I would have long left this earth before.. It’s taken me the longest while to be comfortable in my own skin.. and maybe because I am finally growing into that person I aspire to be.. and if it means, I still make mistakes, so be it.. at least I can say, I have lived..

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