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Damned and Tired…

April 19, 2007

Note to self and readers: I wrote this in the past tense because I wanted to make it seem like I had already gone through the changes.. therefore, making it more real in my head.

The morning after my 6 shots of JD and Lexotan “party”, I felt awful.. not hungover, but like something inside me didn’t sit right. I spent the whole morning, wandering around like I wasn’t part of my body.. I couldn’t think straight, I was on a barely functioning level.. and I was sick and tired of my feeling sorry for myself. It was an epiphany of sorts..

The only person who could fix myself was me.. so when I went home for lunch that day, I finally made the decision.. I was going back to the gym.. other parties be damned. My body was wasting away from the junk food, the alcohol and the prescription drug abuse.. and it had to stop.

The night before, while hopped up and drunk, I had called Cat, who unknowingly put things into perspective for me.. I told her my sorry tale, as always, I was expecting sympathy and advice.. She complied.. But one of the things she said disturbed me: “You were always the one who could pull yourself out of anything, why has that changed?”

Her advice was simple: go back to the gym, keep busy, find myself, move on, and not to let anyone else near my heart until I had done so.

Hence the paradigm shift. I called up Zimy, told him to hold off the bells, I needed time.. He was shocked, surprised and disappointed. I had never heard so many emotions in his voice before.. I felt a twinge of guilt.. but it soon passed.. I had become the worst version of myself since all this rubbish started.. I don’t blame him, I can only blame myself, because I let things go the way they did.

I put away the drugs.. I gave away the alcohol.. I made a decision to stop smoking. I bought nicotine patches and sought help to do so. If I wanted to get clean, I had to do it right.

Packing my gym back was probably the most empowering thing I did that day. I was touching base with myself.. The gym was my happy place, the place I did battle, and where I got strength from inside and outside.. By failing to go there, I was only making myself weaker. I resolved to get back there, guns blazing and all that.. Buffy was back.. and she was gonna kick butt, big time..

I’m now happier, more empowered, and stronger than ever.. I’m sorting out my life slowly.. I still have yet to tackle that wardrobe problem, and please.. my make-up table.. that’s gonna need a bulldozer..

But the main thing is.. I’m doing it.. and I’m getting over it.. Once and for all..

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