h1

.:good day:.

April 22, 2007

.. today, though overtoned with the sadness of a friend leaving for the Police Academy, was a good day..

I didn’t cry.. not once.. and even the house has been decently peaceful.. I haven’t been thinking too much either..Didn’t feel the need to make any emotional phone calls, short or long distance..

If everyday could be like this, I’d really be okay.. I’m not saying that I’ve stopped missing him or caring about him.. Those feelings are still there.. strong and silent, like the deep current of a river.. But I’m able to handle them better now that I’ve got the worst past me.. I guess you could say, I’m all cried out.. either that or my heart is finally listening to my head and actually digesting what the hell is happening..

Zz called today, he just wanted to check if I was okay, and maybe if I had changed my mind.. I haven’t.. I told him I missed him though, and said I really, really needed to sort myself out because I’m pretty fcuked up for now.. I could hear the hurt in his voice and the disappointment.. Sometimes I wonder if he really needs all this emotional drama in his life.. It’s bad enough for one person to go through, but to have to tag along on someone’s mood swings and not understand what the hell is going on… It must be a real bitch.. and I don’t wanna be a bitch.. It’s too late though.. I have been that bitch..

I wanna make it up to him.. But I don’t know where to begin and how.. The obvious way.. would be to just give him what he wants, say yes, and start the process altogether.. But if I’m honest, and I have to be now with myself.. It’s what I want, but I’m not happy with.. I guess, I still need those answers.. even though I’m trying to make it through without them..

Here’s the crazy fcuked up thing.. You think, I would have learned my lesson, but I still have hope.. Aiyaa.. That’s what you get for being so stubborn..

On the bright side.. I’ve been to the gym three days in a row.. I’m getting back on my Tri-distance, no longer out to win, just out to finish.. I took so much time out, that a buncha ppl have already made the compulsory distances in a couple of events.. Good luck to them..

The rest of this month should be okay.. I got stuff to do.. My sister’s birthday is on Tuesday.. Going to KL & Singapore at the end of the week.. Zz’s still pushing for the parent meet while I’m there.. I’m not so sure.. I need time. We’ll all be going to the same wedding so.. we’ll see.. maybe it’ll be one of those weird coincidences you can’t plan.. or shouldn’t have to.

Come what, May.. (okay, cheap shot, I know..) even more schtuff should be happening.. S&N will be moving into their new place, my sister will be giving birth, I got a couple places to go to, and have to finish my Learning Styles trainer assessment.. But the big thing will be the confrontation.. if I’m not over things by then.. I’m gonna have to talk to the two men in my life, and get what I need from them.

Until then.. May there be more good days like these.. Hopefully every day..

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