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Back :.

May 3, 2007

I was in K.L/Singapore for a few days.. Am back now, slightly worse for wear.. but pretty satisfied with what few bits and bobs I managed to glean on my travels.. Mostly toiletries, a couple of shirts, a new pair of running shoes, a cute new handbag, new gym gloves and a pilates band set..

I think I may have overdone it with the toiletries, I purchased three different kinds of moisturiser.. hehe.. and I only got one face.. aiyaa..

Note to self: Nivea so does not agree with me.

Anyway.. yeah.. I was in KL over the weekend for a wedding and to attend the KL book fair. Managed to get some quality time with Zz.. It was so good to see him.. Long distance relationships are hard.. I’m the kind of touchy-feely person, and I need a lot of physical contact.. not just for reassurance, but to make me feel loved.. It’s an insecurity thing.. So just talking to Zz on a daily basis isn’t enough.. I miss hugs, and kisses and holding hands and the kind of things that couples get to do when they’re together.. which is what I got plenty of when I was with Zz..

He came to the wedding with me, which was great, because there I was sitting at a table with my parents and all these Malaysian VIPs.. and I was bored out of my mind.. When he arrived, it was a great relief.. we didn’t get to talk that much, as he knew most of the other people at the table.. but we were holding hands the whole time. I couldn’t stop smiling and giggling.. I think everyone must have thought I was crazy or on something..

The situation between us is still weird.. We’re not a something, yet we’re not exactly just friends.. He’s still pushing for things to move forward, but at least he didn’t force the whole parent meet issue. I’m grateful for that.

Being with Zz makes me happy, but at the back of my mind, he was still there. Zz was driving me around KL, when I looked up, and I saw an duplicate of his car, rims and all. I had to look away, there was a lump in my throat. Later, for some reason, I teared up at Utada Hikaru’s ‘First Love’, because it just made me think of him.

I was mad at myself for even thinking of him when I was in Zz’s company. But it makes me wonder even more.. why do I still think of him.. Why do I still care.. and do I really want to move on..

The day before I left, I was out with my Angel, and I saw his car at a traffic intersection. I’m pretty sure he saw me. My car passed in front of his for goodness’ sake. Even though I tried hard not to react, Angel could tell it was bugging me from the dark cloud over my face. I miss him dearly, as a friend mostly. But it bugged me.. I didn’t see him for weeks on end.. and in the week I was supposed to see Zz, I see him twice..

You can’t help but wonder if life and the powers that be are playing a cruel joke on me..

I don’t know what’s going on within.. I know what’s good for me, yet, I want what I want.. I’ve always been stubborn that way..

I don’t want to hurt Zz anymore.. I don’t want to hurt anymore.. I want to have the right answers.. I want to be happy.. and yet those things are so elusive and out of reach..

Zz said to me on Saturday, “I will do everything in my power to make you happy.” This should have made me happy.. but I was sad instead, as I could not do the same for him.. I feel that I have short-changed him this time, that I haven’t given him all that he deserves..

The time I spent with him was probably the most relaxed and cared for I have felt in a while.. but yet..

When we parted, I felt his eyes begging me not just to stay, but to say yes yet again..

At least, Singapore was more restful.. The shopping kept me sane.. But my mind was bugging out.. I was glad to be away though.. It got my mind off the smaller pressing problems back here.

But now that I’m back.. those things are rearing their ugly heads again..

I wish I could get away again..

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