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It’s all about attitude :.

July 19, 2007

My best friend Thor is a worldly and wise person.. She’s been there as the governing body of all that is sane in my world.. I don’t agree with her some of the time, but I know that even when I disagree with her, she’s only looking out for my best interests. She is amazing.. She may be the only person who understands who I truly am because she’s been through as much shit as I have, and came out victorious.. Though I have yet to see that day myself.. it is her belief in me that keeps me going.. even on days when I feel like I’d rather see it all ended now, than live another day.

She’s right on one sure thing though.. sometimes things are not as bad as they seem, despite the fact that you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. She has often said to me that I should stop being Atlas and just let the world spin on it’s own accord and focus on myself..

As I come to terms to accept the things I cannot change or fix, I’m finding a new inner strength and serenity within. I’m focusing more on myself, both physically and emotionally.. It’s strange, it was after I found really the strength to admit defeat that I started feeling better, and an almost unusual sense of peace. I had probably been fighting against something for too long, and too hard that I really forgot about myself, and who I really was.

The other thing that made me feel better was that someone left a comment here that just really made my day. A stranger took the time to write something, and that really touches me..

The thing about my words here, it’s not about vanity or self-promotion.. Anything I write here is almost a purging of my soul, a space where I can write and allow myself to be truthful, purely or slightly, and share some of the things I love and/or hate.. To be as weird and wacky and inspired as I want, and really not care that I am judged, because this is me expressing myself.  I have a place that I can look back and almost track my progress about how far I’ve come, or even read the depths which I’ve sunk, which is what this blog is really about to me.
To be honest, though sometimes it’s fun to see how many people have come and gone, and to see what they’ve read. I can only hope that some of the stuff I write here is really worth reading.. I know that I am not a fantastic writer, maybe quirky at best.. But it’s a real honour when someone actually who just stumbled upon this site makes a small effort to let me know that they’ve been here and tell me what they think.

Though the cloudy days are still here, I’m starting to notice the sunshine peeping in between the clouds. I’m starting to breathe,  not just to keep body and soul together, but real deep breaths that know I’m alive and it’s worth something.

Suddenly, music seems so much sweeter, working out is starting to get as enjoyable as it once was.. and chocolate is not just comfort food, but it’s a real pleasurable experience..

It’s amazing what a change I feel in just a few days.. I’m starting to focus on my work more, and I keep finding reasons for why my life, as turbulent and traumatic it is, is so amazing and full…

Thanks for reading this, whoever you are, friend or foe, or just a stranger stumbling upon this blog.. If there’s something I wish to impart on you now, it’s this.. take a deep breath and take the time to focus on yourself. Take the time to find the truths about yourself and I hope you find the serenity that you’re searching for.. I know that I’m once again on the path to it that I have long strayed from, and I wish you that too.

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