Fat legs and Jedi Mind Tricks :.

July 21, 2007

Okay, I lie.. they’re not really fat.. they’re just awesomely muscular. And have extremely large bones. I have gigantic bone structure, okay. God gave me Amazon build. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can never be a skinny, frail chick. I’m cool with that. I’m okay with the whole thick legs thing.. I already know that all I have to do is slip on a pair of heels, and they instantly go from chunky to sexy.. hence, why I love heels.. Even if it does make me taller than about 75% of the male population in Brunei..

Uh.. I’ve lost my point.. Oh yeah.. Legs.. I’m quite amused by the fact that since the last time I weighed in my legs have gained a kilo of muscle, and a wee bit of fat.. My arms have lost a little bit of muscle mass.. and that belly fat is budging, in small numbers.

But overall, I’ve gained muscle mass… which is why the numbers on the scale keep climbing, much to my discontent. *sigh* I know that muscle gain is good.. but I’d feel a lot better if the numbers went down.. instead of up. This is why you cannot trust your scale.. I hope that by getting a jump start with my cardio, that I’ll start losing a bit more fat mass.. and see a few more changes… preferably no more to my butt, thank you very much. I used to be ‘Bootylicious’ and now I have a flat butt.. All the better to fit into jeans I suppose.. *sigh* But I miss it so..

I was watching a guy on the treadmill today in utter fascination.. I couldn’t help it.. He ran maybe a half-hour, or maybe even closer to an hour… whatever it was, he had maintained constant speed and didn’t stop.. not for rest, nothing.. and by the end of it, he was so drenched… it was like he had just hopped out of the shower with his clothes on.. I’m serious.. that was how distinctly wet he was.. and he didn’t stop running.. not ’til he was done. I was just so in awe. It just gave me more mental fuel to want to get to that stage..

After three days of the 3:2 walk/jog, I can see a small improvement.. On the first day, my heart rate was peaking something nasty in the 180.. I noticed that it was peaking consistently at 178 today.. I really want to get that down because I’m working so close to 90% of my maximum heart rate..

I’m no athlete, though I would like to think that I am.. I don’t want to risk injury or burnout.. I’m certainly enjoying my daily gym sessions.. I feel that I have more mental focus, and peace of mind.. My headspace isn’t as dark as it’s been the past few months.. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s almost like all that excess mental energy that drives me to overthink and overanalyse everything gets burned up in the gym.. and it’s such a nice feeling.. For most of my life, I’ve never really enjoyed mental clarity in a very natural way.. I’ve always abused something or other to filter out all the noise in my mind.. and even then, it wasn’t really clear thinking, it was just a way to block it out..

Contrary to what most people think, working out isn’t a mindless thing.. I know in my head, I’m running through my goals and using great mental focus to get that extra rep, to get to the two minute mark of my jog without giving in, listening to my body and where it aches and hurts.. and I feel because of all that forced focused thinking, that’s why I’m less… nuts(?) these days..

I suppose I worry less about people and things.. I really need to focus on myself.. So I’ve been indulging in some visually gorgeous but mindless TV, making shopping lists, just really enjoying me and finding myself again..

I think the other thing I should do is get a massage.. My back is sore.. Yes, mindless pampering is good too..


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