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Definitely Different (The good things in life) :.

July 26, 2007

It’s easy to break down your ego by thinking about the things that you’re not. For example, I could whine that I’m not a svelte size six, I don’t have tiny size 4 feet, I haven’t got long blonde straight hair and blue eyes. I haven’t got a line of men by my front door demanding to court me.. This list could go on forever..

But however, the list about me that’s great and different could be equally as long. For example, I’m okay with the fact that a lot of guys call me dude, or think of me as ‘just one of the guys’, it means that I have their respect and they treat me almost like an equal. Despite the fact that I straighten my bushwhacker hair, I love it, because it’s exactly like my father’s, and I will eventually stop straightening it one day, when I finally learn how to tame it.

There are things about me that are almost unique. I don’t know any Bruneian females that love sci-fi as much as I do.. Or profess to be a geek.. and by the same token, are into weightlifting and serious gymmin’.. have a comic book collection.. or have spent 2 years getting an ‘alternate education’ in the streets of Soho..

My point is, that if you focus on the negative things that you can’t be, then you’re disregarding all the great things about you.. And it’s all that negative feedback and thought that makes life so miserable. We can get so caught up in all the negativity that we forget that these are all just little things, and that there are greater and better things ahead of us.

Recent example : I was so into a guy that I was convinced was the one for me. Nothing could sway me, not the words of my friends, not the distance between us, not even when he hooked up with another girl. My life just stopped because I ultimately believed that once he was with me, everything would be perfect. Believe you me, I was so stubborn, there were too many nights that I cried myself to sleep because I made myself so miserable with the thought that there could be no one else but him for me. My life practically stopped. All I could talk to my friends about was him. School, work, partying, friends, held no appeal.. When I shopped, I shopped for the outfit that would make him see me differently…

I know, how could I have been so stupid and stubborn? But they say love is blind.. and I was so blind and deaf and dumb for anyone but him… It was borderline obsession.

Then the day finally came where I finally realised that nothing was going to happen.. That no matter how much I moped and hoped, he was as deaf, dumb and blind to me, as I was to anyone else..

You’d think that after all my suffering, it would have been easy to give him up. But I still couldn’t. Letting go was twice as hard than believing that he would come back to me. But with help and encouragement from my friend and life coach, Vanessa, I slowly broke away from the obsession that was literally breaking me down and ruining my life.

I can hold my head up high and breathe now.. I’m better than functioning, I’m living.. I’m paving my own path..

That narrow vision, just focusing on a guy could have been my downfall.. It was fortunate that I stopped my damaging behavior and train of thought before I really became a train wreck.

It’s the same with the negativity. If day by day, I just worried about the numbers on the scale.. that inch of spare tire around my hips, the buddha belly.. I’d have neuroses and a half! And those things would just consume me.. It’s such a blessing that I have a really healthy viewpoint and relationship with my body and food. Yes, I stress eat, but I make a deal with myself that if I’m allowed to indulge that sweet/savory tooth, that I must invest the time in the gym. I have no expectations that I must lose a lb a week.. I accept that if my bodyfat decreases or my muscle mass increases, a little or a lot, I’m happy. I set goals so that I stay focused and carry on with what I’m doing. Yes, I still smoke, but if I can delay that craving for a stick, or even eliminate one a day, that’s one cigarette less that’s killing me. Eventually, I will stop altogether.

You see, it’s easy to dream of the big picture that you long to see yourself as. But it’s a braver thing to accept the things that you are, and make changes as they are due, or necessary, or when you feel like it.

I am brave, I am strong, I have seen and experienced such pain and horrors in my life that I would not wish on anyone else.. But I am still here, living, breathing, smiling..

I’m different, I’m proud..  I’m quirky, happy and grateful..

And I have a great attitude to life..   I think I really got it good.

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