New York Diary : Bitter Sweetness :.

August 12, 2007

This always happens to me.. I always fall for the guys that it’s not gonna work out with. This time it’s no different..

I don’t want to be a negative Nelly, but let’s face it.. Girls like me get the short end of the stick back home.. It seems the men there prefer small skinny girls who aren’t worldly or smarter than them..

Maybe I’m not smarter, I’ve just had a helluva lot more experience and have a different way of thinking. You can say I’m pretty mouthy too.. I think that would intimidate a lot of people.

I can’t help it though.. I don’t want to hide who I am.. nor do I want to change a thing.. But what I do want is to fall in love with someone who loves me ‘as is’ and is there for the long run.. and won’t take flight as soon as things get rough.

I’m a bit too lusty for life, and some of the things I do are crazy.. so when I find someone who accepts me, good side, bad side, warts and all, sees past all my mistakes, and doesn’t mistake my past.. I wanna hang on for dear life..

But all too often those guys are just beyond my reach, whether it’s distance, religion, or something else.

It’s hard being this Malay girl sometimes..  I don’t want to fault the culture or the religion I was born in, but it does make it harder for me to find something I long for dearly in my life..  And the tears don’t help, it just makes me bitter.

The last two days have been the most heartwarming and the most sad I’ve felt in a while. Happy for obvious reasons.. and sad, well, that realisation that my heart’s desire is so out of my reach. I’m reaching for the moon here..  It’s not that I ask for too much, it’s just that I want exactly what I am worth, no more, no less.

Sure, guys like that are… well, one in a million back home. So in a country with a population of less than a quarter of a million, my chances are what? O.4? That doesn’t seem like good odds for this girl, and does that mean that I’m gonna end up with 0.4 of a man? (If my math is wrong, you must forgive me, it’s not my strong point.)

So, as I look out on the sunset against the outlines of the buildings here, in my beloved love of a city.. I ponder the destiny of my love life.  I’m clutching onto the symbol of my lost love as I look out.. and my heart aches. I don’t just want someone to love and love me back, but that someone to start a family with, and a whole new adventure.

I may have found and lost one of my destinies in the same day, but maybe it’s not the last…  I may have so many more ahead of me..

Or maybe I just wasn’t meant for just one..

But whatever it was, I wish I had an idea or even a road map to what the hell is going on in my life.

For now though, I’d just settle for a sign that I’m not going to be alone forever.


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