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Chocolate and reflection :.

August 20, 2007

Maybe I just get too much meaning from things.. Or maybe it is the universe giving me little signals and signs.

There’s this great internal restlessness in me. Not the usual kind. Something tells me I will not be content for a long time to come.

Yesterday, I started listlessly picking away at the messes in my life. My closet, my earthly possessions, old files and documents in my laptop. Things that I had hung on to long enough, that I wanted to let go of. I don’t want to be like my mother: a pack rat of sorts, she has this huge collection of hotel soaps and shampoos and other such things in her toilet, an assortment of pens and other stationery she never uses.. dramas that she has never watched.  She collects things, and she holds on so tight to them, that I think that she’s really forgotten her spiritual self. You can see her obsessive behavior from  all these useless and never to be used items, and you kind of wonder what kind of emotional state she is in.

Well, I don’t have to wonder. I know.

I never want to be like that. Hang on with an almost vulgar tightness to things.  It’s not that I don’t have my own collection of bits and bobs, handbags and shoes, sunglasses, comics and playing cards.. But these are things I will use… with the exception for my strange obsession for empty notebooks. That I cannot explain why I am compelled to buy beautiful books with empty pages, with the promises that I will fill them up.. and never get around to it. Is my self-fulfillment so empty that I have nothing to express?

Or is it a mere allegory to my life.. that I have so many journeys, physical and mental yet to be undertaken. Not that I haven’t gone through some pretty harrowing personal experiences.. but those things are scarred on my spirit.. and I will carry their memory forever more.. The more important self-journeys are yet to come I feel. But first, I need to escape the chains that bind me here.

Forgive me if I sound like I have an overinflated ego.. But I cannot help but feeling I was meant for more in this life. I don’t think that the powers that be would put you through a baptism by fire and let you live a quiet, inconsequential life after that. No, you’re put to the test to see if you are worthy of something.. And if you are able to emerge from the fire and flames, burned, scarred, but triumphant, then you have earned your stripes, and bigger things await, the future becomes uncertain, and definitely unsafe.

That reminds me of an old chinese curse I like to live by, “May you live in interesting times.”

Times of late have certainly been interesting.

I don’t feel as hollow or shallow as I once did. It’s more of some greatness waiting to be fulfilled.

If you’ve watched the ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ trilogy, you’ll know about Jack Sparrow’s compass. It points to what the holder most wants in the world.

Right now I feel like that compass.. direction-less. You want so many things.. but none of them are a ‘true want’.  And the one thing I want to have most, is full of doubt and fear.. how can it be something I want most in the world?

Enough reflection. Chocolate awaits.

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