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Fetal Position :.

August 28, 2007

‘Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me.’ Is that how the childhood chant goes? The one that’s supposed to convince us that it doesn’t matter if someone calls you a ‘doody-head’ and makes you cry at the back of the classroom during recess.. because it’s just name-calling..

Flash forward to now.. We’re supposed to be older and wiser.. and some of us take pride in being called a ‘bitch’ because it means that we stand up for ourselves, but we secretly hurt because it still stings.. even when we’re supposed to be more self assured and confident.

Today was a day I wanted to curl myself up into a ball and hide in the darkest corner somewhere and not care about what someone close to me said. It hurt. It hurts twice as much because you respect and value that person so much that you would never think that they would say something like that. Actually, they’ve said worse. They’ve even said this horrible thing before.. but the scars have healed and the wound was forgotten, until today.

I pride myself on being a self-assured, confident, stand-up-for-myself and mine, ‘don’t take b.s’ kind of person.. It doesn’t mean that I’m not soft in the inside.. that I don’t have a heart.. or I’m not flesh and bone like everyone else..

So when I say something wounds me deeply, it does. It’s just that I can’t say anything to this person, because it would be disrespectful. I can only weep on the inside, where my tears flow free and the salt tries to heal the gaping wound inflicted by WORDS of all things.. A pen may be mightier than the sword.. But a sharp tongue can inflict savagery on a person that no sword or pen could come close to. Emotional pain. The kind that lingers long after the incident fades.. but lives on in bad memories and flashbacks.

Long after flesh heals, bruises disappear and scars fade.. the pain from words live on. It can drive a person to do pretty crazy things to themselves, break egos, shatter confidence.. I’ve known people who have become either buliemic or anorexic just because an offhand remark, “You need to lose some weight..” Others who are convinced of their mental ineptitude because a role model, a teacher had the audacity to say “Why can’t you get this? It’s so simple. You’re just stupid.” It may be just water under the bridge to others, but certain words hurt some more..  It’s because we’re already self-conscious about things, and to have it reiterated, re-infected in us in hurtful speech.. It can break someone.

I’m not going to let today’s incident break me. It’s going to smart a while though.. but I have so many bigger things to focus on.. It’ll just give me fuel to get me to where I want to go.. and just widen that ravine that makes me keep my distance.

But it still hurts.

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