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The comfort of loving arms and validation of one’s self :.

September 1, 2007

I can understand now why my life coach Vanessa keeps insisting that I see my friends often..  I’ve been hermitizing for a while, for various reasons. It’s not good for me, because I tend to overthink everything, and the conversations with myself get entirely dull.. (Yes, you try discussing the ins and outs of Sith Vs Jedi with yourself, honestly, it’s a no win situation!)

Tonight, I had to get out. I was tired of the company of my family, and for certain if I stayed in,  there would have been bloodshed. My parents are on the warpath with their wayward, independent, unmarried daughter.. and they were rubbing me up the wrong way, so it was out and about for this girl..

I went to a friend’s place and caught up with some long lost peoples..  You don’t know how much you can miss them unless you haven’t seen them in a long while.. and just sitting on the balcony, smoking our lives away, talking and catching up over the amazing view of Gadong.. wow.. it’s just fcuking amazing. Add to that the comfort and hugs of the two warmest people I know.. The evening was almost perfect.

I wish I had taken pictures.. I was sitting on the balcony, and looking at the cool silhouettes of my friends on the ceiling..  It had been a really long while since I’ve been with the group, and though only some of them were there, it felt good.. It was familiar, and it felt like home.

I seem to value my friends a lot more than my family.. It’s not that I don’t appreciate my real family, but I really love my friends.. they are my chosen family.. They are the people who I feel more myself and comfortable with.. There are no pretenses, no judgements..  they’ve seen me, warts, bad jokes, tears and all.. and they accept me as I am.. just the way I accept them. There are more truths and honesty between us than I can ever be with my real family, because of the tradition and the expectations that hold me back..

It’s nice to know that you’re not alone in walking a difficult path. The road I have chosen is not easy, and fraught with hardship, but hearing support from my friends, and stories of peers also undertaking a similar journey makes me braver.. I know that life is not perfect, and we shouldn’t expect it to drop opportunities in our lap..

Being away from my friends was hard.. not just because of the choice I made, but without them, I was forced to confront a few inevitabilities.  I grew up. I faced my fears.. I am now just a touch wiser, and a little less fearful. When you get taken out of your comfort zone, and have to face up to things, you have to grow up. Those were words I was afraid to admit before.. but I happily confess to now. It’s about time too.

I’m not saying that I’m going to be all grown up and serious, but I’m starting to figure out what I want with my life.. and how to get it.. Don’t worry, I haven’t changed.. I’m still the jokey, silly, happy girl that everyone knows me.. but just with a little more direction. And it’s not just me.. we all are.. in little ways and at our own paces..

I’m just glad that tonight happened.. because sometimes, you just need the right company to make the world seem alright again..

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