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On Strike :.

September 7, 2007

Just a few days ago, there was a Tube strike in London, and now there’s a cab strike in New York. *sigh*

Not that it affects me in the least, but I like keeping track of events happening in my favourite places.

Just reading about the cab strike made me miss NYC more though.. *sssiiiggghhhh*

The weather is nice there at the moment, it’s cool.. and sunny.. the kind of day you’d take your Motorbike out for a ride, relishing the dying days of summer. Apparently it’s 25 degrees in Central Park..

I was just chatting to a few friends over there earlier. Everyone is getting together at the Somerset Bar for drinks.. Chris said she would make a toast for me and ask everyone to down a shot. It’s a nice thought, though I’d rather be there myself.

I’ve really got to get out of this funk that’s holding me back. I originally had plans tonight to get out and just let my hair down, but they fell through.. so I spent the night in, sushi and movies. It’s a nice combination. It’s better though if you have someone to share with.

I’m feeling some really deep anxiety at the moment. It’s really interfering with my self-confidence. There’s just so many expectations being put on me, while I have my own agendas to attend to. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for thinking about myself once in a while, and especially now, when I finally have strength, courage and ambition and a dream to reach for. But there are so many people that are asking the Why’s and How’s. And there are some who I thought would support me wholeheartedly knowing what I have been through who are saying, don’t. I don’t want to look seem like I am the kind of person who doesn’t give a shit.. But I have been giving a shit for the last 25 years, bowing to other peoples whims, and only  catering to my needs willy nilly.  Isn’t it about time, I really did something for myself.. Which is a matter of fact, truly selfish, as it only benefits me.. but hey.. it’s what *I* need, and if not now, when?

Maybe the reasoning behind it is no one here has ever thought to venture that far, dream that big, and when someone does, it goes against the whole herd mentality here, which kind of scares people. Why mess with the status quo when it works for everyone else? Because it doesn’t work for *me*. I don’t wanna follow the hoi polloi. It just makes me feel dead inside. When I think back to the time I was in London, and all the exciting fun adventures I had.. it was because I ventured out and did something different and marched to the tune of my own drummer. It made me ‘weird’ in everyone’s eyes, but I fully accepted that that was part and parcel of doing ‘my own thing.’

It’s difficult here because of the cultural and religious expectations, not to mention the ‘double-standards.’ I’m frustrated with what people expect of me. But that deep sense of obligation within makes me play along with all the stupid games and guilt trips.  I think I really need a few days somewhere to get away from all this b.s and strife that is messing with my head.

I feel like going on strike myself.

I just need to get myself together and strike out for my freedom. Regardless of what anyone else thinks. Before everyone breaks me down so much that I can’t put myself together again like Humpty Dumpty.  I cannot go back to that bad, dark place where hope doesn’t thrive and dreams are nothing but mere shadows.

Well, I guess I’m either going to break it or make it. Someone once said, “In order to approach success, one must burn each bridge after they have crossed, so there is no way back, only forward.”

Then there’s also, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

At the moment, for every step forward I make, I seem to be pushed two or three steps back. There’s no denying it’s hard going, but I don’t think it was ever meant to be easy, to forge your own path takes bravery.

I can’t give up, not yet. My journey has just begun.

But to the rest of the world. I’m on strike. Get another girl to kick around. Cause I’m outta here.

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