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Fuss/No Fuss :.

November 15, 2007

This week there’s a whole slew of birthday babies. With mine right around the corner, I’ve more or less started the downward emotional spiral.

I’ve really tried to just keep my standards low, and not expect anything this year. No. If it sucks, it sucks, if it rocks, it rocks.

It’s of little consequence anymore, because the older I get anyway, things don’t change. I’m still expected to be home early, blah, blah, blah, staying under the thumb of my over protective parents, and do exactly as they say.

I’m going to keep my excitement for the bigger picture. You know, that city with the bright lights? Yeah. There’s this plan forming slowly in my head. It’s the only way to make my dream come true.

So Saturday, I’m just going to have dinner out with Green, that’s fine, as long as I get my lamb and mint jelly, then I’m a happy bunny. Think I might just straighten my hair this Saturday too.. the roots are beginning to annoy me. I don’t want to get to the point where it gets on my nerves.

Someone was asking me why I don’t want to big up my birthday.. Let me put in this way, in the scheme of things, were I that important, the birthday would be big, no matter what. So I guess consequentially, I’m not really that important. And besides, I can forget about the sycophants, and control freaks, and non-friends when I move. Period. I’ve got so much to worry about personally, that sometimes, things like your birthday aren’t just really that important anymore. It’s more important to get out and get free now. I’m just tired of other people’s whims and being the so-called ‘burden’ in peoples lives.

If you wanna give me something, give me freedom.

I don’t change lives with enigmatic speaking and wise words, I don’t save people from falling buildings and car accidents.. Sometimes, all it feels like is that the only reason I’m here is to prop up my parents when they need someone to look after them, and give the rest of Brunei fodder to talk about.

No.

That’s not my life. My spirit was too free, too wild, too untamed to ever live here in a half non-existence. I’m not afraid. I am not afraid to work from the ground up to build a life for myself. A life that I really, really want. A life where I’m not just someone’s sister or daughter, where I’m not 2nd place, where I’m not supposedly causing grief, or crying everyday on the inside. To strike out on your own. It’s almost unheard of here.
No matter how old you are, you’re still someone’s child here. People ask, “Anak siapa?”, and continually blame parents for current and future transgressions. I want to be in a place, where people see you, not your parents, where my credibility doesn’t stand because I’m this person’s daughter.

Okay, I’m tired and I’m angry, and I could probably go on forever, but I won’t.

Dear parents,

If you love me, set me free.

Love,

Your wayward, independent, free-spirited daughter.

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One comment

  1. You underestimate your capacity to change lives, or speak wise words. If you did neither of those I for one wouldn’t still be here reading.

    (You also underestimate your capacity to over-think the small stuff, give yourself a goram break.)



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