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Phew :.

November 16, 2007

Yesterday was quite an adventure and a half. After a really awful morning which I couldn’t get my head together at all.. I decided to fcuk it all, and go for a very spontaneous road trip to Seria. Gay Husband D-leng, came along for company and to give me directions, I was so ‘siuk sendiri’, singing in the car and just ‘layaning’ every whim. Because sometimes you just gotta do that.

I honestly don’t know what compelled me to want to drive across the country, just to go to Naafi, a supermarket of sorts in the British Garrison in Seria. But sometimes, you just gotta drive, far and fast. Serenity had her work cut out for her, certainly, since I had to hurry back. But it felt good to be somewhere different, even if it is in the same country. I’m not familiar with Seria, so I was looking at it with quite fresh eyes. The people there say it’s too quiet. I found it quite calming. It just reminded me about how much I need to get away from the toxic atmosphere of home.

I went over to D’s again to hang with the gang, which was a great respite. I loved just having girl time, playing cards and chatting. Seriously, ever since I taught D-leng and J-leng to play Big Two, they’ve been playing like crazy. But it’s cool, I was in that phase once. Except I was so obsessed with the game, I ended up playing triple games myself. My favourite playing partners are in London for now, so it’s nice to have some new people to play with, especially those that really challenge my game.

I’ve noticed, (actually, I know) that my moods have been more or less… psycho? And I’m taking it out on my friends. I really don’t like myself at this point in time. I find myself emoting first, thinking later, and regretting it often. I’m so not in control of things right now. I can only keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best, I suppose. My famous last words are probably “I have a plan,” and as always I do. Executing this one will be a feat and a half though, and it may just change not only the course of my life, but affect my relationship with my family, for better or for worse.

Meanwhile, my little distraction keeps surprising me. Some pleasant, some I find odd, but mostly piqued my curiosity. It’s easier to wake up with a smile when you have something to look forward to. Little encounters that keep the body warm, which in turn, keeps the heart warm, and hope alive. It’s a little callous to use someone else to keep the heart warm for someone else, but we both know the status quo, and it’s fine with both of us. And I don’t have to worry about getting my heart stepped on, used up and spat out. No, I’ve had more than my share of that, and I think I’ve tortured my heart enough in my own short lifetime.

So yesterday was emotional, journeying, amazing and fun. And I wouldn’t change any a second of it.

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