Archive for December, 2007


Breaking the silence :.

December 17, 2007

We interrupt this temporary lull in posts to bring to you a special message from this Blog’s author:

“Dearest readers,

Thanks for your kind words of support, and a few e-mails. I appreciate that you do not want me to stop writing. In fact, I haven’t. I’ve temporarily started a new blog at to record my thoughts and opinions, until I find myself worthy to search for serenity again. Perhaps maybe so in the new year.

Thanks again for those supportive messages. Santa already gave me my gift this year, great readers.



I was blind, but now I see, but perhaps too late.. :.

December 12, 2007

Last night, I got a wake up call. There was no telephone ringing, or a shake to the shoulder, but a flash of final moments. It was God calling to me, his lost child, the wayward one, telling me to come back to the path I had strayed so far from.

As I stood in the blinking light, and I breathed, a solemn, almost relieved breath, I knew that this was it. This was my last call, and if I didn’t listen, I would be lost forever.

I know now three things:( a) I am not immortal (b) I cannot keep running, hiding and ducking from my mistakes forever (c) everything and everyone I needed was right there, and I just never realised it.

I escaped with my life, last night. From what, I’d rather not say. I don’t want to dismiss it easily, but rather publicise another mistake that I will obviously never learn from, I’d rather keep it to myself and carry it in my heart as a reminder of who I was. I am definitely a much different person today, than I was last night.

I guess I don’t learn unless something shocks me into reality. The vivid, vibrant world I was living in was just an illusion, and last night, it snapped in two, revealing in the harsh light of day, that everything I had been doing/living so far was just an escape.

I am sorry, but I am also grateful.

My eyes are wide open, and damn, it’s bright. My mind is clear, and it’s strange and beautiful. Though I’ll be in the doghouse for a long while,but it means that there are people who love me and care for me enough to put me there.

For now, I have to put aside my dreams and wishes, until I can truly stand on my own two feet again. There are other things I have to think about before I can once more be a dream chaser, but perhaps, it’s for the better, because maybe by then, I will have better insight and wisdom, and I won’t be just chasing the dream, I’ll be living it.

Last night though, someone whom I had taken for granted stepped into the light. And I finally saw him for who he truly is. And though, I had locked away my heart in reserve for someone else, it somehow broke free from it’s chains and and landed in his hands. We stood there, over the wreckage of my once carefree life, and he held me close and tightly, and I knew that not only I was safe, but I was cared for. As we conversed into the wee hours of the night, our thoughts no longer guarded, our opinions honest, and most importantly, my mind open, I realised that perhaps all this while, I had been chasing things, too far and too hard, that I completely forgot all the things that were right in front of me.

For now, I think I must retreat back into the maze which I had lost myself in, and find my way back. Start at the beginning and instead of just trying to find the center, I have to find my way out.

I close my eyes, and as shaky and frightening the memory of last night is, I can feel : hands that reached out to help me stand, arms that held me to tell me I was alive and safe, a gentle kiss that comforted, angry words that meant someone cared, but above all, shaky breath that let me know I was alive, and that God still loved me and wanted me back in his fold.

So friends, and dear readers, I don’t know if this will be my last entry here, or if it’s the last entry for now, or the last entry for this year. Everything now is entirely up in the air. I’ve been given a second chance at a life I don’t deserve, but from now on I am grateful for. I need to do more than the superficial soul searching, I need to dig deep and find myself again and climb up from the dark and evil pit I threw myself in.

But let me just say this, if anything, it definitely happened for my own good. And the fact that it did in December, perhaps was a reminder that yes, you’re reaching the end of the year, the end of a cycle, and also the start of a new one. I cannot honestly say that from now on I am going to a pious, better person, but only that I am going to change things for myself.

Friends, don’t look for me for now. I’ll find you when I’m ready. Readers, both old and new, thank you for actually taking the time to read any and all rubbish that I had to share in my life, and especially to PTB (I’ll be in touch) and Jasmine, D and all other who have been kind enough to leave a comment and let me know that my humble, yet sometimes arrogant words were duly appreciated.

To all, Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha, Happy Hannukah, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and Happy New Life. I hope that when I decide to return, that perhaps my stories will be richer, fuller and more colourful. Thank you for your company in the search for serenity. I thought I had found mine, and it’s obvious that I haven’t. And when I start anew, I hope you will join me again.

To the one I wasn’t looking for but I have now found, I’m so happy that I’m starting anew, and this time the journey is with you.


One night a week :.

December 8, 2007

I think we should just declare one night a week where everyone in the world should be bonking. Everyone that’s the age of legal consent anyway.

Think about it, apparently, there are more and more recent studies that state the benefits of regular SAFE sex, like:

    Lower mortality rates.
    Reduced risk of prostate cancer.
    Improves posture.
    Boosts self esteem.
    Makes a person feel younger.
    Firms tummy and buttocks.
    Keeps spouses connected emotionally.
    Offers pain-relief.
    Gives people a positive attitude on life.
    Reduced risk of heart disease.
    Makes a person more calm.
    Improves fitness level.
    Makes a person less irritable.

Among other things.

You bet your bunions, regular sex can be beneficial. So the world should just declare one night a week (I’m favouring Saturday) as the designated night to mate. Male singles form a line to the left. Female singles, pinch the butt of the guy you fancy. First fingers on the guy gets the ass for the night.

Yes, one night a week where we won’t be lonely or horny, the world gets a break from negativity and the world slows down into one big cataclysmic orgasm. Even thinking about the entire thing gets me hot under the collar. Like I wasn’t there already anyway.


DDR Dreams :.

December 8, 2007

This may seem lame, but I wish I had a video of everytime I played DDR back when I was at my peak in London. I was an honorary member of the London DDR Afficionados, and we used to dance together at several locations. I only competed once, and I came in third for the Rookie Technical category. Not that it matters anyway.

These days, I know I could never dance as well as I did back then. The legs have gotten heavier, reflexes slower. I still can DDR my little heart out on Doubles, but I can no longer do the three or four straight sets like I used to. These days, I’m lucky enough to get through one.

You know what I miss the most? The EZ2Dancer on the top floor of the Troc, the one next to the bowling alley. Yeah. I would pwn it by dancing my favourite set of three songs, guaranteed B+ and above, “You Rock My World”, ” Like I Love You” and “Jenny From the Block.” If I was feeling crowd pleasin, “Can’t Get You Outta My Head”, “Dirrty” and “La Vida Loca.”

I really wish I had videos of all of these. Sometimes when I listen to certain songs, JT’s “Like I love you” especially, I can almost do the moves, from memory.

I know it’s silly, but DDR was a big part of my life in London. There were some days, even though I was lugging a bag of heavy books, and I was tired, I’d still make my way to Troc to play a few games just to get my mind off the crap of the day. And though I usually ended up looking like a sweaty crazy person (even in the midst of winter), nothing made me feel as good as I did after I played a few games of DDR or EZ2D.

I do indulge myself here every so often. Sometimes in the afternoon, when my mom’s not in the office, and I can sneak off. I go to Q-lap Mall to relive my glory days on the EZ2D machine there. I know it hasn’t got all the cool songs, but it’s good enough for my once-in-a-while gameplay.

I like that DDR is kinda my indulgent thing. I think I’ll still be playing it as long as I can walk on two feet. Even in New York.


It’s just a crush… :.

December 6, 2007

… so why am I squee-ing with glee from seeing his name in my inbox?

Last week, while conducting a course out of office, I met a really good bunch of interesting people. The good part was they were my age, and I made a lot of new friends. The best part, I met someone who gives me butterflies when he smiles at me.

Initially, I thought he was just the joker, the clown of the group. The comic who didn’t take anything seriously. But after he smiled at me for the 10th time, and gave me a compliment which he meant from his eyes, I felt so smitten.

I felt like a teenager in high school again, internally sighing when he said my name, quivering with excitement if he paid attention to me, and trying not to blush when he winked at me from across the room during a lecture.

Yes, I confess to taking pictures of his butt, because it was just as delightful as the rest of him.

I found excuses to wander over to his table, to hang around, and stay close, but also had to keep myself at a distance, because I was there with him in a professional capacity. But that didn’t stop me from wanting something so much more from our interaction.

There was no denying our flirtation, I think everyone else knew. But I guess, maybe the attraction wasn’t strong enough to warrant something more forward. Or perhaps there was that heavy blanket of professionalism that hung over our heads.  We parted as friends, and with a sad smile on my face, because I wondered if I ever would see him or hear from him again.

My heart flutters when I read the friendly e-mail, sent in the late hours of the afternoon, that read with as much personality and friendliness as if he were addressing me in person. With each smiley, I can imagine that cute, friendly face, with the mischievous smile that makes me want to melt like chocolate on a hot sidewalk. And I think I can hear his voice in my head.

It’s just a crush… I hope.