Archive for the ‘girl power’ Category

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I want to break free :.

September 5, 2007

If the above phrase conjures up visions of a scary Freddie Mercury in a dress and makeup and seductively pushing around a vacuum cleaner, you’re not the only one.. It gives me nightmares..

But this post is not about that.. fear not. It’s more of the personal and cultural shackles that we wear. A friend has often said that I burden myself with the weight of the world.. maybe it’s not so true.. I am weighed down by the heavy shackles I wear. These are not physical shackles, mind you, not irons meant to keep prisoners in line.. though it feels like that sometimes.

Malay, Muslim, Woman, Daughter.  These words weigh heavy on me as if they were made of lead and strapped onto my back.

Don’t get me wrong, I wear these titles proudly. But by the same token, they limit me. If you have never known the outside world, or dream nothing more than getting the titles Wife and Mother added to the list above, I suggest you read no further.

If you, like me, have dreamed far and wide, experienced the adventures the world has to offer, then you know how I feel.

I think I’ve been struck with a case of not just ‘extreme wanderlust’, but ‘absolute fantasy’, and ‘intense imagination.’

And the thing is, there is no cure for these ‘diseases’, except to fulfill them.. and even then.. they will never die.. They’ll just live on in you like an intense longing.

These days, I can’t even think straight. My dreams are filled with possibilities and places.. and it feels like I’m going out of my mind. Destinations and dream cities flit in and out of my mind..  I’m like a cat on edge, jumping and twitching at every noise or sign of excitement.

The last few weeks have felt so surreal, like I’m watching myself live my life through my tv set. I feel detached. Were those two weeks really truly the only time I felt so alive? It can’t be.. then this is not living, this is merely existing.

I can’t carry on the way things are.. or how they are going to be. I just know one truth, just one. That as long as I ‘exist’ like this, in this state of ennui, I’m doomed.

I need to break my own personal glass ceiling, the crystal walls, the personal shackles.

And it’s a scary prospect. Sometimes I feel like the whole world is going to fall down around me, if I dare do it.. Like I’m causing the end of the world because I choose to defect from the life I know now.

But there are other pieces of me that are screaming, ‘Don’t let the dreams die!’

So I sing..

” God knows, got to make it on my own
So baby can’t you see?
I’ve got to break free..”

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Unpure :.

August 24, 2007

Out of boredom, I was taking one of those ‘Purity Tests’ on Facebook today.. I thought it would be fun, and it was quite so actually!

Facebook Screenshot Purity

They ask a range of questions like ‘Made out in a car’ or ‘Kissed MSI in a horizontal position’, crap like that.. I was giggling to myself like crazy as I checked off the list, mentally imagining the moment that made each statement true. Yeah, I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my lifetime.. and I don’t regret a single one of them.. It was fun..

When the score came out, it was a brutal 15%.. enough to burn the eyebrows off my guardian angels..  Hmm.. Oh well, but I enjoy being bad.. *grins* It’s what made me who I am today, and I am certainly not a Vegas stripper, a porn star or a nymphomaniac.. Hmm.. Now I’m not too sure about that last one..

My friends know me well enough to accept my crazies and eccentricities, and love me for it (I hope). A couple have said that they live vicariously through me because they wouldn’t have the courage or the confidence to do some of the things I’ve done, and to be honest.. they are two of my closest confidantes, and they’re the ones that pick me up after an adventure gone wrong, dust me off, and send me out into the world again to live it up. I’m all too happy to tell them my wild tales, because I think that the world can handle only one of me.  It’s a lot safer and happier for the rest of yous that way.

I’m not saying it’s okay to be bad. I draw the fine line at socially unacceptable things. But if you’re brave enough, and keep safe, maybe you should tick a few things off that list. After all, a life half lived is sometimes no life at all.

Go out live a little, love a lot, and have fun, because life is too short to be a wet blanket.

Peace out.

sexy devil

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Dear Louise, our theme song, love Thelma :.

August 20, 2007
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Don’t lose sight of what you really want :.

August 18, 2007

Dearest Buffy,

It’s not easy to step out of your comfort zone and become the person that you most want to be. It was never supposed to be easy, but you’ve taken the first step to getting where you need to go to become the person that you’re really meant to be.

Despite all the emotional ties, and the difficulties you face, you must not waver from your path. Keep in mind your ultimate goal, and you will make it. Forget all the haters, back-stabbers and nay-sayers, the disbelievers, false friends and those who don’t have your best interests at heart.

Only you know what you really need now.

You’re 25 years old. You’ve been through a long and arduous personal journey that has gotten you to this point. You have been to hell, and back, and emerged stronger than before, wiser, and more centered and focused. All the hardships you have faced until now have prepared for what you ultimately want in life. Don’t let setbacks get you down, don’t let bumps in the road allow you to turn back.

You are brave, and you are strong. Noone will ever understand you the way you wish to be understood, because no one has seen or experienced what you have. Take it all in stride that you are uniquely different, and because of it, this is why you want to forge your new journey into the unknown. Even if it means that you have to walk alone, you are no stranger to it.

Seek out guidance along the way, but make your own choice. It’s okay to be afraid, but bravely venture on.

Life is an adventure. Embrace it with open arms.

People may try to hold you back, but don’t let them, never let others get in the way of your dreams.

From now on, Buffy, take your life, and make it your own. Don’t let anyone else lead you. No matter what it takes.

Always have faith. Always believe.

Take care of yourself and your health. Try not to be too emotional and rush headlong into things. But by the same token, don’t be afraid to take a new opportunity as it arises.

You are meant for great things.

Believe in yourself.

Love,

Buffy.

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New York Diary: The Village and The Motorcycle :.

August 10, 2007

This girl went on an adventure today. An amazing adventure. I met up with a friend… who showed me the wild side I had been missing for a while.. It was worth every moment, every kiss, every sigh…

” I fell in love with you,
With the wind in my face,
My heart in my throat,
Your kiss on my lips.
You were everything I didn’t want,
But I shall long for forevermore.”

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Feeling sexy :.

August 9, 2007

As one of those girls who get overlooked back home, here I’m viewed as something different and exotic. I’m loving the attention.. My self-confidence has gone up several notches..  I’m not just a pretty face or just something different from the norm of skinny blue eyed blondes (no offense) I’m being admired and appreciated for that quirkiness that is seen more as intelligence and an awareness of the world.

*sigh* If I could only live here.

Every girl deserves a place where she is truly appreciated for who and what she is..

And for this moment in time, I am there.

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Definitely Different (The good things in life) :.

July 26, 2007

It’s easy to break down your ego by thinking about the things that you’re not. For example, I could whine that I’m not a svelte size six, I don’t have tiny size 4 feet, I haven’t got long blonde straight hair and blue eyes. I haven’t got a line of men by my front door demanding to court me.. This list could go on forever..

But however, the list about me that’s great and different could be equally as long. For example, I’m okay with the fact that a lot of guys call me dude, or think of me as ‘just one of the guys’, it means that I have their respect and they treat me almost like an equal. Despite the fact that I straighten my bushwhacker hair, I love it, because it’s exactly like my father’s, and I will eventually stop straightening it one day, when I finally learn how to tame it.

There are things about me that are almost unique. I don’t know any Bruneian females that love sci-fi as much as I do.. Or profess to be a geek.. and by the same token, are into weightlifting and serious gymmin’.. have a comic book collection.. or have spent 2 years getting an ‘alternate education’ in the streets of Soho..

My point is, that if you focus on the negative things that you can’t be, then you’re disregarding all the great things about you.. And it’s all that negative feedback and thought that makes life so miserable. We can get so caught up in all the negativity that we forget that these are all just little things, and that there are greater and better things ahead of us.

Recent example : I was so into a guy that I was convinced was the one for me. Nothing could sway me, not the words of my friends, not the distance between us, not even when he hooked up with another girl. My life just stopped because I ultimately believed that once he was with me, everything would be perfect. Believe you me, I was so stubborn, there were too many nights that I cried myself to sleep because I made myself so miserable with the thought that there could be no one else but him for me. My life practically stopped. All I could talk to my friends about was him. School, work, partying, friends, held no appeal.. When I shopped, I shopped for the outfit that would make him see me differently…

I know, how could I have been so stupid and stubborn? But they say love is blind.. and I was so blind and deaf and dumb for anyone but him… It was borderline obsession.

Then the day finally came where I finally realised that nothing was going to happen.. That no matter how much I moped and hoped, he was as deaf, dumb and blind to me, as I was to anyone else..

You’d think that after all my suffering, it would have been easy to give him up. But I still couldn’t. Letting go was twice as hard than believing that he would come back to me. But with help and encouragement from my friend and life coach, Vanessa, I slowly broke away from the obsession that was literally breaking me down and ruining my life.

I can hold my head up high and breathe now.. I’m better than functioning, I’m living.. I’m paving my own path..

That narrow vision, just focusing on a guy could have been my downfall.. It was fortunate that I stopped my damaging behavior and train of thought before I really became a train wreck.

It’s the same with the negativity. If day by day, I just worried about the numbers on the scale.. that inch of spare tire around my hips, the buddha belly.. I’d have neuroses and a half! And those things would just consume me.. It’s such a blessing that I have a really healthy viewpoint and relationship with my body and food. Yes, I stress eat, but I make a deal with myself that if I’m allowed to indulge that sweet/savory tooth, that I must invest the time in the gym. I have no expectations that I must lose a lb a week.. I accept that if my bodyfat decreases or my muscle mass increases, a little or a lot, I’m happy. I set goals so that I stay focused and carry on with what I’m doing. Yes, I still smoke, but if I can delay that craving for a stick, or even eliminate one a day, that’s one cigarette less that’s killing me. Eventually, I will stop altogether.

You see, it’s easy to dream of the big picture that you long to see yourself as. But it’s a braver thing to accept the things that you are, and make changes as they are due, or necessary, or when you feel like it.

I am brave, I am strong, I have seen and experienced such pain and horrors in my life that I would not wish on anyone else.. But I am still here, living, breathing, smiling..

I’m different, I’m proud..  I’m quirky, happy and grateful..

And I have a great attitude to life..   I think I really got it good.