Archive for the ‘new york diary’ Category


New York Diary : Bitter Sweetness :.

August 12, 2007

This always happens to me.. I always fall for the guys that it’s not gonna work out with. This time it’s no different..

I don’t want to be a negative Nelly, but let’s face it.. Girls like me get the short end of the stick back home.. It seems the men there prefer small skinny girls who aren’t worldly or smarter than them..

Maybe I’m not smarter, I’ve just had a helluva lot more experience and have a different way of thinking. You can say I’m pretty mouthy too.. I think that would intimidate a lot of people.

I can’t help it though.. I don’t want to hide who I am.. nor do I want to change a thing.. But what I do want is to fall in love with someone who loves me ‘as is’ and is there for the long run.. and won’t take flight as soon as things get rough.

I’m a bit too lusty for life, and some of the things I do are crazy.. so when I find someone who accepts me, good side, bad side, warts and all, sees past all my mistakes, and doesn’t mistake my past.. I wanna hang on for dear life..

But all too often those guys are just beyond my reach, whether it’s distance, religion, or something else.

It’s hard being this Malay girl sometimes..  I don’t want to fault the culture or the religion I was born in, but it does make it harder for me to find something I long for dearly in my life..  And the tears don’t help, it just makes me bitter.

The last two days have been the most heartwarming and the most sad I’ve felt in a while. Happy for obvious reasons.. and sad, well, that realisation that my heart’s desire is so out of my reach. I’m reaching for the moon here..  It’s not that I ask for too much, it’s just that I want exactly what I am worth, no more, no less.

Sure, guys like that are… well, one in a million back home. So in a country with a population of less than a quarter of a million, my chances are what? O.4? That doesn’t seem like good odds for this girl, and does that mean that I’m gonna end up with 0.4 of a man? (If my math is wrong, you must forgive me, it’s not my strong point.)

So, as I look out on the sunset against the outlines of the buildings here, in my beloved love of a city.. I ponder the destiny of my love life.  I’m clutching onto the symbol of my lost love as I look out.. and my heart aches. I don’t just want someone to love and love me back, but that someone to start a family with, and a whole new adventure.

I may have found and lost one of my destinies in the same day, but maybe it’s not the last…  I may have so many more ahead of me..

Or maybe I just wasn’t meant for just one..

But whatever it was, I wish I had an idea or even a road map to what the hell is going on in my life.

For now though, I’d just settle for a sign that I’m not going to be alone forever.


New York Diary : Pleasure and Politics :.

August 9, 2007

It’s been a great couple of days in my favourite city. Between business and shopping, things have been mighty interesting.

I love the city. It energizes me, I feel like my brain is firing on all cylinders. I feel alive.. I’ve always been a city kitty, so maybe being away from it too long does some crazy things to me. But I am so relaxed and calm in the middle of the hustle and bustle. Sometimes I think, I really was born to live here.

Haven’t been shopping much. I went on a toiletries spree at Duane Reade. And we hit up Lord and Taylor’s and Macy’s yesterday. Phew. Not fun shopping though, my mom made me buy suits. I have to admit, she’s got great taste in everything she’s chosen, but I feel like a kid playing dress-up in my Momma’s suits. The jackets fit great, but the pants are another story altogether. I have this problem, apparently my torso is a different size to my bottom half.. so.. unless the sell suits in separates.. I’m stuck wearing ill fitting pants for the rest of this trip. Sometimes I feel like no one is taking me seriously.. I got carded when I walked into the bar area. What, I don’t look 21 no more? Maybe I need to work on my Oh-so-cute chubby face.

The Institute has been great. I’ve met some interesting people. There are a lot of educators, I feel so out of my depth with them. But they all have the same thing in common, the passion and dedication to make a difference and educate children in the best way possible. I feel their passion being around them and just talking to people, it’s so infectious.

There’s no surprise that there’s so much politics going on at the Institute. *sigh* People trying to kiss up to people, others dictating their whims, small groups and big groups trying to outdo each other, minorities and other countries in competition. It’s hard not to stay out of it.. But you try your best.

I was calling a friend last night, and she said I was being selfish because I had left Brunei without telling anyone or saying goodbye. I have my reasons. I think it’s about time I started being selfish. I’m such a people pleaser that it just really is high time I just stopped thinking, giving too much to other people, and just really thought about myself.

My relationship with this city goes waaayy back. She’s this lover that flits in and out of my life, makes me dreamy and heady with all her promise and excitement. Every visit with her is not just familiar but fresh and new at the same time. I doubt I love any place on earth as much as I love New York, and I have every right to be selfish when it comes to her.

Right, the city beckons. I’m off to explore more of my beautiful lover.


New York Diary : Stepping out in New Yawk :.

August 6, 2007

We arrived in Newark yesterday at around 5pm in the afternoon, but thanks to the weekend traffic, we arrived in the city around 7pm.

It’s been less than a day, and already I’m noticing changes in my accent. I’m tawking fasta, and droppin’ the ends of my sentences.  I’ve called Jersey, Joi-sey, and I got into a street altercation already, yelling at someone who nearly ran me over and stepped on my new shoes. Yes, I bought two pairs of shoes already, so any of yous wanna challenge my title for ‘Queen of Shoppin’, do yas, DO YAS?

I so love New Yawk.

We had dinner in ‘Red Lobster’ Times Square last night. Lord, I love their Cheddar Cheese Biscuits. I could make a meal out of them on their own. I just LOVE! them.. Dinner was nice, lobster tail and crab claws, and some coconut shrimp. I have a feeling I’m going to be gaining quite a bit while I’m here.

Right, today’s the start of the Institute, and I’m excited. And scared. And mostly excited. I can’t wait to wear my new shoes. I bought a pair of leopard print flats, and they are so damn cute.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the most important thing. The Hawt guys. THE HAWT GUYS!

I’m in heaven.. let’s face it.. I like Mat Sallehs, and now I’m surrounded by them.. hehehe..  I’m gonna have whiplash. Hehehe.. Oh yeah! HEAVEN.