Archive for the ‘getting it together’ Category

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I was blind, but now I see, but perhaps too late.. :.

December 12, 2007

Last night, I got a wake up call. There was no telephone ringing, or a shake to the shoulder, but a flash of final moments. It was God calling to me, his lost child, the wayward one, telling me to come back to the path I had strayed so far from.

As I stood in the blinking light, and I breathed, a solemn, almost relieved breath, I knew that this was it. This was my last call, and if I didn’t listen, I would be lost forever.

I know now three things:( a) I am not immortal (b) I cannot keep running, hiding and ducking from my mistakes forever (c) everything and everyone I needed was right there, and I just never realised it.

I escaped with my life, last night. From what, I’d rather not say. I don’t want to dismiss it easily, but rather publicise another mistake that I will obviously never learn from, I’d rather keep it to myself and carry it in my heart as a reminder of who I was. I am definitely a much different person today, than I was last night.

I guess I don’t learn unless something shocks me into reality. The vivid, vibrant world I was living in was just an illusion, and last night, it snapped in two, revealing in the harsh light of day, that everything I had been doing/living so far was just an escape.

I am sorry, but I am also grateful.

My eyes are wide open, and damn, it’s bright. My mind is clear, and it’s strange and beautiful. Though I’ll be in the doghouse for a long while,but it means that there are people who love me and care for me enough to put me there.

For now, I have to put aside my dreams and wishes, until I can truly stand on my own two feet again. There are other things I have to think about before I can once more be a dream chaser, but perhaps, it’s for the better, because maybe by then, I will have better insight and wisdom, and I won’t be just chasing the dream, I’ll be living it.

Last night though, someone whom I had taken for granted stepped into the light. And I finally saw him for who he truly is. And though, I had locked away my heart in reserve for someone else, it somehow broke free from it’s chains and and landed in his hands. We stood there, over the wreckage of my once carefree life, and he held me close and tightly, and I knew that not only I was safe, but I was cared for. As we conversed into the wee hours of the night, our thoughts no longer guarded, our opinions honest, and most importantly, my mind open, I realised that perhaps all this while, I had been chasing things, too far and too hard, that I completely forgot all the things that were right in front of me.

For now, I think I must retreat back into the maze which I had lost myself in, and find my way back. Start at the beginning and instead of just trying to find the center, I have to find my way out.

I close my eyes, and as shaky and frightening the memory of last night is, I can feel : hands that reached out to help me stand, arms that held me to tell me I was alive and safe, a gentle kiss that comforted, angry words that meant someone cared, but above all, shaky breath that let me know I was alive, and that God still loved me and wanted me back in his fold.

So friends, and dear readers, I don’t know if this will be my last entry here, or if it’s the last entry for now, or the last entry for this year. Everything now is entirely up in the air. I’ve been given a second chance at a life I don’t deserve, but from now on I am grateful for. I need to do more than the superficial soul searching, I need to dig deep and find myself again and climb up from the dark and evil pit I threw myself in.

But let me just say this, if anything, it definitely happened for my own good. And the fact that it did in December, perhaps was a reminder that yes, you’re reaching the end of the year, the end of a cycle, and also the start of a new one. I cannot honestly say that from now on I am going to a pious, better person, but only that I am going to change things for myself.

Friends, don’t look for me for now. I’ll find you when I’m ready. Readers, both old and new, thank you for actually taking the time to read any and all rubbish that I had to share in my life, and especially to PTB (I’ll be in touch) and Jasmine, D and all other who have been kind enough to leave a comment and let me know that my humble, yet sometimes arrogant words were duly appreciated.

To all, Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha, Happy Hannukah, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and Happy New Life. I hope that when I decide to return, that perhaps my stories will be richer, fuller and more colourful. Thank you for your company in the search for serenity. I thought I had found mine, and it’s obvious that I haven’t. And when I start anew, I hope you will join me again.

To the one I wasn’t looking for but I have now found, I’m so happy that I’m starting anew, and this time the journey is with you.

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Love, marriage and other half-truths :.

November 24, 2007

Love and marriage, love and marriage,
Go together like a horse and carriage..

Wasn’t that how the theme song of “Married with Children..” That was a funny show. I loved how dysfuctional that family was.

Okay, enough fluff.

Marriage, that’s the buzzword these days. No matter where I am, that word inevitably pops up in conversation, bringing with it the good, the bad and the ugly. Mostly the latter reaches my ears though. And it makes me more determined to enjoy my life and be true to me before I settle down.

I don’t have to look far for examples of marriages that don’t work. In all honesty, my parents marriage has hardly been all hearts and roses the past 7 years. There are times, I don’t know, I just want to ask my parents to go and get the hell divorced because I am so sick and tired of living day to day in a warzone. There are times I’ve had to choose sides, and it kills me on the inside, because as much as I am Daddy’s little girl, I love my mom too. But little miracles happen, and they stay together another day. Often I do wonder why they do, is it because they love each other, or they’re just too old to live without each other?

Excuse my cynicism when I illustrate with another point. I’ve got friends in marriages who are so unhappy, they have to find other pursuits. Loveless marriages, the only glue keeping it together are either children or family pressure. Some are just with their significant other because they’re too afraid that if they leave, they may just end up alone. And the thing is, they pop up so often, you wonder if there are any ‘real’ marriages left in the world?

Like anyone and everyone else, I am myself afraid to be alone. I feel like there’s this missing part of me because I long for someone to share my life with, give all of my heart and soul; full and complete. It’s not that my life is lacking because I don’t have someone, but it would be more richer with someone in it.

But I guess I’d rather be alone than be in a loveless marriage, bitter and angry at my husband, and forced to pursue extramarital affairs just to keep myself sane.

Typical scorpio, it’s either all or nothing, either one of two extremes and never in between.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pooh-poohing the whole institution of marriage. I do have illusions and dreams of adjusting my husband’s tie before he goes to work, sitting by the sink as I watch him shave, having all out spats and making up on the kitchen floor later. But I think I’d rather wait it out and find someone who I can be happy with the rest of my life.

Maybe I ask for too much. Yes, I’d love a guy with Hayden Christensen’s brooding looks, or Jake Gyllenhaal’s dark, blue eyed gorgeousness.. But you don’t have to be hot or cute to get me. I’ve said before “Romance my mind and you have my heart,” I’d love someone who has much to teach me and open my eyes. But by the same token, he should be ready to learn from me, seek adventure and love life. I’d enjoy the give and take of good intellectual conversation for the rest of my life. Yes, and he should be tolerant enough of my ‘blonde moments’ and my demanding personality.

Back in August, I was sitting with Gray Eyes in ‘The Dead Poet’s Society’ and he was listening raptly to what I was saying, and wasn’t even shocked when I revealed a little of my wild side. I could live that afternoon ala ‘Groundhog Day’ forever, because I saw in his eyes, not just wisdom from living a lot longer than I have, and living on the other side of the world I have known, but, this great sense of eagerness to listen and learn to what I have to say. When I was telling him about how engagements go in Brunei, (‘The Village’, our inside joke), he just so earnestly wanted to know more.

I want that from a guy, that you never stop getting to know me. The same way I’ll continually discover new things about you everyday, even if it’s the fact that you have this aim to collect 100 plastic lobsters from a particular restaurant on the Upper East Side that gives you one everytime you eat a lobster there.

I was never a ‘sweet kind of romance’ girl. Don’t give me roses, give me gerberas. And call them by the nickname I give them. I don’t want cute bears with hearts, give me a Stitch or Yoda doll. You don’t need to sing me “I will always love you”, sing to me your favourite song of all time badly on karaoke. Even if it’s Aqua’s Barbie Girl. Give me a thousand memories, rather than one super romantic moment.

I in turn, will probably laugh at you if you accidentally swallow the ring while drinking the champagne it’s in. And then I’ll help you by performing the Heimlich maneuver when you’ve almost turned purple.

I don’t care if ends up the most spontaneous yet manky ‘Britney’ quickie wedding in Vegas with the worst looking ‘Fat Elvis’ presiding. Janji saja sayang selamanya. (Just promise you’ll love me forever.)

No, I don’t want to be unhappy in a marriage because I said yes to the wrong guy, because I had an ‘accident’, because I just didn’t want to be alone.

And I could have very much made that mistake earlier this year, with Zz. I’m glad that my reluctant heart hung in there as long as it did, and didn’t fall for all the songs of romance and perfect companionship. No. It wanted the right love, and it wasn’t going to settle for anything less.

If anything, all of these words that have been burning my ears have made me realise, I’m going to wait for the right one. Not Prince Charming, but the guy who will understand that his geek wife will get dressed up in cosplay and drag him around to Sci-fi conventions.

It’s better to wait than regret. I don’t want the only regret in my life to be the biggest burden for the rest of it.

One family of cousins all got married in their 30’s, and they seem to have done alright for themselves. Even though they were the talk of the family, and the subject of clucking tongues for the longest time, they decided they were going to do the right thing and wait. And wait they did, they’re all happy, with no pressure to spawn future progeny anytime soon, all taking it at their sweet pace.

And under the very same roof as one dysfuctional marriage, a life’s journey between two kindred souls has begun and blossoms more with each passing day. I talk, of course, about my sister and her wonderful husband. The very same people who gave me a song and dance routine for my birthday, complete with excited, high pitched singing. Their love story started a long time ago back in High School, but unlike High School sweethearts, they didn’t get together until later. No, the romance in their story comes from a single page, with a pencil drawn sketch of a rose.

When my sister first left for the UK, her classmate handed her a letter of several pages, wishing her luck, and so much more. One of those pages contained that hand-pencilled sketch, which my sister kept along with the letter.

Several years away studying, and a VERY BAD BOYFRIEND later, these two souls would be reunited as friends, and start spending more and more time together. And last year, they got married, despite initial parental resistance, and differences in education and status, which in the end, truly didn’t matter.

Today, that pencil sketch is framed and hangs in their bedroom, as testament to a love that started long ago, but didn’t blossom until late. The rose has become their logo, and their love just evermore grows.

I will not get caught up in the excitement and wanting of all engagements and marriages around me. I will not be brainwashed by the cutest babies in the world, and googley eyed couples. I will not envy the happiness of my friends as they take the next steps towards the rest of their lives. My time will come.

But I reserve the right to be Bridezilla, and squee myself hoarse when the time does come. And until it does, I will wait.

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On Strike :.

September 7, 2007

Just a few days ago, there was a Tube strike in London, and now there’s a cab strike in New York. *sigh*

Not that it affects me in the least, but I like keeping track of events happening in my favourite places.

Just reading about the cab strike made me miss NYC more though.. *sssiiiggghhhh*

The weather is nice there at the moment, it’s cool.. and sunny.. the kind of day you’d take your Motorbike out for a ride, relishing the dying days of summer. Apparently it’s 25 degrees in Central Park..

I was just chatting to a few friends over there earlier. Everyone is getting together at the Somerset Bar for drinks.. Chris said she would make a toast for me and ask everyone to down a shot. It’s a nice thought, though I’d rather be there myself.

I’ve really got to get out of this funk that’s holding me back. I originally had plans tonight to get out and just let my hair down, but they fell through.. so I spent the night in, sushi and movies. It’s a nice combination. It’s better though if you have someone to share with.

I’m feeling some really deep anxiety at the moment. It’s really interfering with my self-confidence. There’s just so many expectations being put on me, while I have my own agendas to attend to. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for thinking about myself once in a while, and especially now, when I finally have strength, courage and ambition and a dream to reach for. But there are so many people that are asking the Why’s and How’s. And there are some who I thought would support me wholeheartedly knowing what I have been through who are saying, don’t. I don’t want to look seem like I am the kind of person who doesn’t give a shit.. But I have been giving a shit for the last 25 years, bowing to other peoples whims, and only  catering to my needs willy nilly.  Isn’t it about time, I really did something for myself.. Which is a matter of fact, truly selfish, as it only benefits me.. but hey.. it’s what *I* need, and if not now, when?

Maybe the reasoning behind it is no one here has ever thought to venture that far, dream that big, and when someone does, it goes against the whole herd mentality here, which kind of scares people. Why mess with the status quo when it works for everyone else? Because it doesn’t work for *me*. I don’t wanna follow the hoi polloi. It just makes me feel dead inside. When I think back to the time I was in London, and all the exciting fun adventures I had.. it was because I ventured out and did something different and marched to the tune of my own drummer. It made me ‘weird’ in everyone’s eyes, but I fully accepted that that was part and parcel of doing ‘my own thing.’

It’s difficult here because of the cultural and religious expectations, not to mention the ‘double-standards.’ I’m frustrated with what people expect of me. But that deep sense of obligation within makes me play along with all the stupid games and guilt trips.  I think I really need a few days somewhere to get away from all this b.s and strife that is messing with my head.

I feel like going on strike myself.

I just need to get myself together and strike out for my freedom. Regardless of what anyone else thinks. Before everyone breaks me down so much that I can’t put myself together again like Humpty Dumpty.  I cannot go back to that bad, dark place where hope doesn’t thrive and dreams are nothing but mere shadows.

Well, I guess I’m either going to break it or make it. Someone once said, “In order to approach success, one must burn each bridge after they have crossed, so there is no way back, only forward.”

Then there’s also, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”

At the moment, for every step forward I make, I seem to be pushed two or three steps back. There’s no denying it’s hard going, but I don’t think it was ever meant to be easy, to forge your own path takes bravery.

I can’t give up, not yet. My journey has just begun.

But to the rest of the world. I’m on strike. Get another girl to kick around. Cause I’m outta here.

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I want to break free :.

September 5, 2007

If the above phrase conjures up visions of a scary Freddie Mercury in a dress and makeup and seductively pushing around a vacuum cleaner, you’re not the only one.. It gives me nightmares..

But this post is not about that.. fear not. It’s more of the personal and cultural shackles that we wear. A friend has often said that I burden myself with the weight of the world.. maybe it’s not so true.. I am weighed down by the heavy shackles I wear. These are not physical shackles, mind you, not irons meant to keep prisoners in line.. though it feels like that sometimes.

Malay, Muslim, Woman, Daughter.  These words weigh heavy on me as if they were made of lead and strapped onto my back.

Don’t get me wrong, I wear these titles proudly. But by the same token, they limit me. If you have never known the outside world, or dream nothing more than getting the titles Wife and Mother added to the list above, I suggest you read no further.

If you, like me, have dreamed far and wide, experienced the adventures the world has to offer, then you know how I feel.

I think I’ve been struck with a case of not just ‘extreme wanderlust’, but ‘absolute fantasy’, and ‘intense imagination.’

And the thing is, there is no cure for these ‘diseases’, except to fulfill them.. and even then.. they will never die.. They’ll just live on in you like an intense longing.

These days, I can’t even think straight. My dreams are filled with possibilities and places.. and it feels like I’m going out of my mind. Destinations and dream cities flit in and out of my mind..  I’m like a cat on edge, jumping and twitching at every noise or sign of excitement.

The last few weeks have felt so surreal, like I’m watching myself live my life through my tv set. I feel detached. Were those two weeks really truly the only time I felt so alive? It can’t be.. then this is not living, this is merely existing.

I can’t carry on the way things are.. or how they are going to be. I just know one truth, just one. That as long as I ‘exist’ like this, in this state of ennui, I’m doomed.

I need to break my own personal glass ceiling, the crystal walls, the personal shackles.

And it’s a scary prospect. Sometimes I feel like the whole world is going to fall down around me, if I dare do it.. Like I’m causing the end of the world because I choose to defect from the life I know now.

But there are other pieces of me that are screaming, ‘Don’t let the dreams die!’

So I sing..

” God knows, got to make it on my own
So baby can’t you see?
I’ve got to break free..”

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Look inside :.

August 28, 2007

“If you want to take your mission in life to the next level, if you’re stuck and you don’t know how to rise, don’t look outside yourself. Look inside. Don’t let your fears keep you mired in the crowd. Abolish your fears and raise your commitment level to the point of no return, and I guarantee you that the Champion Within will burst forth to propel you toward victory.”
~ Bruce Jenner

Read the rest of this entry ?

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Counting the days.. :.

August 27, 2007

Not that raiding my closet for my winter clothing will make it arrive any sooner..

Not that sending my coat to be dry cleaned make the days speed up..

Not that looking for my gloves and scarf will make the wait any less..

Not that thinking of someone every second of every minute of everyday will make the miles any smaller..

But it’s something to do.

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Patience, Buffy :.

August 24, 2007

Dearest Buffy,

You often think with your heart and not your head. Not that it’s a bad thing, it’s taken you places and on adventures that you could have never dreamed about if you had done otherwise.

You’re still living off the high of an adventure just taken. It should fuel your dreams and ambitions for a little while. But in that high, don’t forget that you still have a life and responsibilities. It’s easy to forget about the day to day things when you’re high as a kite up on cloud 9, without a string to keep you grounded.

I know you want to free yourself from those shackles, and your enthusiasm and ideas are admirable, so is the determination that you’ve shown, but in all the excitement, don’t forget to plan.. Because those who fail to plan, plan to fail.

Think about your goals, think of ways to make them happen. Make a plan, give yourself time to prepare, and then take your steps forward.

“Someone has defined genius as intensity of purpose: the ability to do, the patience to wait. Put these together and you have achievement.” ~ Leo J. Muir

Keep this quote in mind, every time you feel like rushing into things..

But don’t spend too much time thinking, that you forget to keep living..

With Love,

Buffy.