Archive for the ‘madness’ Category

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I was blind, but now I see, but perhaps too late.. :.

December 12, 2007

Last night, I got a wake up call. There was no telephone ringing, or a shake to the shoulder, but a flash of final moments. It was God calling to me, his lost child, the wayward one, telling me to come back to the path I had strayed so far from.

As I stood in the blinking light, and I breathed, a solemn, almost relieved breath, I knew that this was it. This was my last call, and if I didn’t listen, I would be lost forever.

I know now three things:( a) I am not immortal (b) I cannot keep running, hiding and ducking from my mistakes forever (c) everything and everyone I needed was right there, and I just never realised it.

I escaped with my life, last night. From what, I’d rather not say. I don’t want to dismiss it easily, but rather publicise another mistake that I will obviously never learn from, I’d rather keep it to myself and carry it in my heart as a reminder of who I was. I am definitely a much different person today, than I was last night.

I guess I don’t learn unless something shocks me into reality. The vivid, vibrant world I was living in was just an illusion, and last night, it snapped in two, revealing in the harsh light of day, that everything I had been doing/living so far was just an escape.

I am sorry, but I am also grateful.

My eyes are wide open, and damn, it’s bright. My mind is clear, and it’s strange and beautiful. Though I’ll be in the doghouse for a long while,but it means that there are people who love me and care for me enough to put me there.

For now, I have to put aside my dreams and wishes, until I can truly stand on my own two feet again. There are other things I have to think about before I can once more be a dream chaser, but perhaps, it’s for the better, because maybe by then, I will have better insight and wisdom, and I won’t be just chasing the dream, I’ll be living it.

Last night though, someone whom I had taken for granted stepped into the light. And I finally saw him for who he truly is. And though, I had locked away my heart in reserve for someone else, it somehow broke free from it’s chains and and landed in his hands. We stood there, over the wreckage of my once carefree life, and he held me close and tightly, and I knew that not only I was safe, but I was cared for. As we conversed into the wee hours of the night, our thoughts no longer guarded, our opinions honest, and most importantly, my mind open, I realised that perhaps all this while, I had been chasing things, too far and too hard, that I completely forgot all the things that were right in front of me.

For now, I think I must retreat back into the maze which I had lost myself in, and find my way back. Start at the beginning and instead of just trying to find the center, I have to find my way out.

I close my eyes, and as shaky and frightening the memory of last night is, I can feel : hands that reached out to help me stand, arms that held me to tell me I was alive and safe, a gentle kiss that comforted, angry words that meant someone cared, but above all, shaky breath that let me know I was alive, and that God still loved me and wanted me back in his fold.

So friends, and dear readers, I don’t know if this will be my last entry here, or if it’s the last entry for now, or the last entry for this year. Everything now is entirely up in the air. I’ve been given a second chance at a life I don’t deserve, but from now on I am grateful for. I need to do more than the superficial soul searching, I need to dig deep and find myself again and climb up from the dark and evil pit I threw myself in.

But let me just say this, if anything, it definitely happened for my own good. And the fact that it did in December, perhaps was a reminder that yes, you’re reaching the end of the year, the end of a cycle, and also the start of a new one. I cannot honestly say that from now on I am going to a pious, better person, but only that I am going to change things for myself.

Friends, don’t look for me for now. I’ll find you when I’m ready. Readers, both old and new, thank you for actually taking the time to read any and all rubbish that I had to share in my life, and especially to PTB (I’ll be in touch) and Jasmine, D and all other who have been kind enough to leave a comment and let me know that my humble, yet sometimes arrogant words were duly appreciated.

To all, Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha, Happy Hannukah, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and Happy New Life. I hope that when I decide to return, that perhaps my stories will be richer, fuller and more colourful. Thank you for your company in the search for serenity. I thought I had found mine, and it’s obvious that I haven’t. And when I start anew, I hope you will join me again.

To the one I wasn’t looking for but I have now found, I’m so happy that I’m starting anew, and this time the journey is with you.

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One night a week :.

December 8, 2007

I think we should just declare one night a week where everyone in the world should be bonking. Everyone that’s the age of legal consent anyway.

Think about it, apparently, there are more and more recent studies that state the benefits of regular SAFE sex, like:

    Lower mortality rates.
    Reduced risk of prostate cancer.
    Improves posture.
    Boosts self esteem.
    Makes a person feel younger.
    Firms tummy and buttocks.
    Keeps spouses connected emotionally.
    Offers pain-relief.
    Gives people a positive attitude on life.
    Reduced risk of heart disease.
    Makes a person more calm.
    Improves fitness level.
    Makes a person less irritable.

Among other things.

You bet your bunions, regular sex can be beneficial. So the world should just declare one night a week (I’m favouring Saturday) as the designated night to mate. Male singles form a line to the left. Female singles, pinch the butt of the guy you fancy. First fingers on the guy gets the ass for the night.

Yes, one night a week where we won’t be lonely or horny, the world gets a break from negativity and the world slows down into one big cataclysmic orgasm. Even thinking about the entire thing gets me hot under the collar. Like I wasn’t there already anyway.

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Love, marriage and other half-truths :.

November 24, 2007

Love and marriage, love and marriage,
Go together like a horse and carriage..

Wasn’t that how the theme song of “Married with Children..” That was a funny show. I loved how dysfuctional that family was.

Okay, enough fluff.

Marriage, that’s the buzzword these days. No matter where I am, that word inevitably pops up in conversation, bringing with it the good, the bad and the ugly. Mostly the latter reaches my ears though. And it makes me more determined to enjoy my life and be true to me before I settle down.

I don’t have to look far for examples of marriages that don’t work. In all honesty, my parents marriage has hardly been all hearts and roses the past 7 years. There are times, I don’t know, I just want to ask my parents to go and get the hell divorced because I am so sick and tired of living day to day in a warzone. There are times I’ve had to choose sides, and it kills me on the inside, because as much as I am Daddy’s little girl, I love my mom too. But little miracles happen, and they stay together another day. Often I do wonder why they do, is it because they love each other, or they’re just too old to live without each other?

Excuse my cynicism when I illustrate with another point. I’ve got friends in marriages who are so unhappy, they have to find other pursuits. Loveless marriages, the only glue keeping it together are either children or family pressure. Some are just with their significant other because they’re too afraid that if they leave, they may just end up alone. And the thing is, they pop up so often, you wonder if there are any ‘real’ marriages left in the world?

Like anyone and everyone else, I am myself afraid to be alone. I feel like there’s this missing part of me because I long for someone to share my life with, give all of my heart and soul; full and complete. It’s not that my life is lacking because I don’t have someone, but it would be more richer with someone in it.

But I guess I’d rather be alone than be in a loveless marriage, bitter and angry at my husband, and forced to pursue extramarital affairs just to keep myself sane.

Typical scorpio, it’s either all or nothing, either one of two extremes and never in between.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pooh-poohing the whole institution of marriage. I do have illusions and dreams of adjusting my husband’s tie before he goes to work, sitting by the sink as I watch him shave, having all out spats and making up on the kitchen floor later. But I think I’d rather wait it out and find someone who I can be happy with the rest of my life.

Maybe I ask for too much. Yes, I’d love a guy with Hayden Christensen’s brooding looks, or Jake Gyllenhaal’s dark, blue eyed gorgeousness.. But you don’t have to be hot or cute to get me. I’ve said before “Romance my mind and you have my heart,” I’d love someone who has much to teach me and open my eyes. But by the same token, he should be ready to learn from me, seek adventure and love life. I’d enjoy the give and take of good intellectual conversation for the rest of my life. Yes, and he should be tolerant enough of my ‘blonde moments’ and my demanding personality.

Back in August, I was sitting with Gray Eyes in ‘The Dead Poet’s Society’ and he was listening raptly to what I was saying, and wasn’t even shocked when I revealed a little of my wild side. I could live that afternoon ala ‘Groundhog Day’ forever, because I saw in his eyes, not just wisdom from living a lot longer than I have, and living on the other side of the world I have known, but, this great sense of eagerness to listen and learn to what I have to say. When I was telling him about how engagements go in Brunei, (‘The Village’, our inside joke), he just so earnestly wanted to know more.

I want that from a guy, that you never stop getting to know me. The same way I’ll continually discover new things about you everyday, even if it’s the fact that you have this aim to collect 100 plastic lobsters from a particular restaurant on the Upper East Side that gives you one everytime you eat a lobster there.

I was never a ‘sweet kind of romance’ girl. Don’t give me roses, give me gerberas. And call them by the nickname I give them. I don’t want cute bears with hearts, give me a Stitch or Yoda doll. You don’t need to sing me “I will always love you”, sing to me your favourite song of all time badly on karaoke. Even if it’s Aqua’s Barbie Girl. Give me a thousand memories, rather than one super romantic moment.

I in turn, will probably laugh at you if you accidentally swallow the ring while drinking the champagne it’s in. And then I’ll help you by performing the Heimlich maneuver when you’ve almost turned purple.

I don’t care if ends up the most spontaneous yet manky ‘Britney’ quickie wedding in Vegas with the worst looking ‘Fat Elvis’ presiding. Janji saja sayang selamanya. (Just promise you’ll love me forever.)

No, I don’t want to be unhappy in a marriage because I said yes to the wrong guy, because I had an ‘accident’, because I just didn’t want to be alone.

And I could have very much made that mistake earlier this year, with Zz. I’m glad that my reluctant heart hung in there as long as it did, and didn’t fall for all the songs of romance and perfect companionship. No. It wanted the right love, and it wasn’t going to settle for anything less.

If anything, all of these words that have been burning my ears have made me realise, I’m going to wait for the right one. Not Prince Charming, but the guy who will understand that his geek wife will get dressed up in cosplay and drag him around to Sci-fi conventions.

It’s better to wait than regret. I don’t want the only regret in my life to be the biggest burden for the rest of it.

One family of cousins all got married in their 30’s, and they seem to have done alright for themselves. Even though they were the talk of the family, and the subject of clucking tongues for the longest time, they decided they were going to do the right thing and wait. And wait they did, they’re all happy, with no pressure to spawn future progeny anytime soon, all taking it at their sweet pace.

And under the very same roof as one dysfuctional marriage, a life’s journey between two kindred souls has begun and blossoms more with each passing day. I talk, of course, about my sister and her wonderful husband. The very same people who gave me a song and dance routine for my birthday, complete with excited, high pitched singing. Their love story started a long time ago back in High School, but unlike High School sweethearts, they didn’t get together until later. No, the romance in their story comes from a single page, with a pencil drawn sketch of a rose.

When my sister first left for the UK, her classmate handed her a letter of several pages, wishing her luck, and so much more. One of those pages contained that hand-pencilled sketch, which my sister kept along with the letter.

Several years away studying, and a VERY BAD BOYFRIEND later, these two souls would be reunited as friends, and start spending more and more time together. And last year, they got married, despite initial parental resistance, and differences in education and status, which in the end, truly didn’t matter.

Today, that pencil sketch is framed and hangs in their bedroom, as testament to a love that started long ago, but didn’t blossom until late. The rose has become their logo, and their love just evermore grows.

I will not get caught up in the excitement and wanting of all engagements and marriages around me. I will not be brainwashed by the cutest babies in the world, and googley eyed couples. I will not envy the happiness of my friends as they take the next steps towards the rest of their lives. My time will come.

But I reserve the right to be Bridezilla, and squee myself hoarse when the time does come. And until it does, I will wait.

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Less than 24 hours to stay 25 :.

November 16, 2007

In a word.. Yikes.

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I’m 15, not 25 :.

November 8, 2007

For some reason, I felt like a total teenager tonight. Blonde and bizarrely happy, as if the rest of my world was not falling around my ears.

Maybe it was the company I needed. Maybe it was the fact that I’ve been holding my breath the last couple of days wondering. Maybe it’s because today, I finally got an answer.

Even though I knew that answer a long time ago. But to look into someone’s eyes intimately and know the truth where you stand, you can breath a sigh of relief and really not wonder anymore. Months ago, I walked away, cutting my losses, and set my mind free. Today, I set the rest of my spirit free.

I confess to that tiny, tiny grain of hope that lay somewhere deep in my heart that wanted something to be there. But it wasn’t.

What confirmed the rest was the naive attitude towards all things, perhaps ignorant? Don’t pretend to understand my life, or try to be condescending. Lecturing me about right or wrong?

Lady, I have seen shit that would scorch the hair off your balls.

I have made it through enough personal hell to know my fucking consequences.

Karma? You don’t know diddly squat. Karma owes me big time.

My fucking point? Maybe there is none. I was looking at a mere shadow of a person today. One who didn’t venture beyond their own boundaries. And will always see a line and the sign that says “Do not cross.”

I’m not that kind of person. I know I venture where angels fear to tread. And sometimes, I take too many risks. But if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be standing today, I would have long passed from this world by my own hand.

Some people were made stronger than others. I’d like to think I’m one of those. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, I’ve forged my own path, I dared not to follow convention. And I don’t regret it.

After the anger passed, I started feeling sorry for that shadow of a person. I did honestly want to take them by the hand and say, “Go out and live before it’s too late.” But I smiled, said nothing, and let them go on their merry way.

Funny thing about life is, when we were born, we were born with all eyes open. And along the way, some decided to close their mind’s eye, and in effect, close their heart and their souls to other experiences. The choice varies from person to person. My choice is obvious. Their choice is theirs, and as much as I want to grab them, shake them and tell them… whatever, it’s their choice, and I have to.. abide by it, even though I don’t respect it in the least.

I’ll go have my fun. I will enjoy myself, live life to the full, make mistakes, stumble and fall, brush myself off, pick myself up and keep doing what I feel/need/want to do. I am a more fulfilled person, and I know I have touched more than a few lives. And I know so many interesting and wonderful people. Any butt-kissing, soul-sucking, egotistical, selfish, moronic, holier-than-thou fucking wannabes… you can go sit in your little invisi-square and stay there. Put your personal velvet rope up, and limit yourself to that small piece of “What you want to know and nothing else.” Me and my amazing, personally enriched, fulfilled, open-minded, beautiful and loving friends, we will take over the world.

In fact, the world is already ours.. you’ve just been too busy not knowing.

Shadow Person. Thank you for today, everything before and goodbye. You go your way, and I’ll go mine.

My wonderful friends, old and new, I love you. Thank you for accepting who I am, bits, pieces, baggage and all.

God, thank you for all your blessings, for the courage and strength you have given me, for carrying me when I felt I had none, for your faith in your wayward child, and pointing my compass, even when I have ventured far from your way.

To the one, whoever you are, thank you for loving me. It’s all I ever wanted.

And to the someone who’s momentarily chasing my demons and shadows away, making it not such a lonely place to be in right now, I don’t have words, but the smile on my face, the happiness in my heart, and the twinkle in my eye says everything.

In ten days, I hope all this wisdom is still intact. Who knows.

Anyway, I started this off light, I’ll try and finish it light.

I had fun today. I went shopping with one of my best friends. I hung out with some fun friends. I got to see someone I really missed. I have cute tikuses. I bought more make-up on eBay. I kissed two people today.

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Ticking off symptoms :.

November 6, 2007

An inexplicable need to do something to my hair – Check.

Overindulging in things I had pretty much given up – Check.

Total emotional rollercoaster – Double Check.

Several epiphanies that happen in the course of one morning – Check.

An incredible urge to shop for things I don’t really need but am convinced will change my life – Checkity Check Check.

Coming Soon…

An emotional breakdown about minor and insignificant things

An incredible urge to start sorting out my stuff

A hissy fit in public for no apparent reason

An attack of the crazies

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You know you’re kinda spoilt when.. :.

November 5, 2007

a) you buy all your good toiletries/make-up online or overseas. Heaven forbid that the generic stuff they use here should ever touch your skin.

b) you only buy clothes during that one shopping spree a year at Macy’s/Woodbury Common/Saks, New York. You live in Brunei.

c) you have 3 laptops. The old one. The older one. And the one you just bought. And you’re already thinking about the specs of the next one.

d) you only listen to your music exclusively via iPod. Radio is like sooo last century. I dictate my playlist, y’all. Yeah-huh.

e) you ride with 7 pairs of shoes in the car. So you can swap and change according to your mood.

f) your room actually consists of : bedroom, budoir, office and bathroom. And it’s the size of a luxury New York apartment.

Other assorted madness will be added accordingly.