I was blind, but now I see, but perhaps too late.. :.

Last night, I got a wake up call. There was no telephone ringing, or a shake to the shoulder, but a flash of final moments. It was God calling to me, his lost child, the wayward one, telling me to come back to the path I had strayed so far from.

As I stood in the blinking light, and I breathed, a solemn, almost relieved breath, I knew that this was it. This was my last call, and if I didn’t listen, I would be lost forever.

I know now three things:( a) I am not immortal (b) I cannot keep running, hiding and ducking from my mistakes forever (c) everything and everyone I needed was right there, and I just never realised it.

I escaped with my life, last night. From what, I’d rather not say. I don’t want to dismiss it easily, but rather publicise another mistake that I will obviously never learn from, I’d rather keep it to myself and carry it in my heart as a reminder of who I was. I am definitely a much different person today, than I was last night.

I guess I don’t learn unless something shocks me into reality. The vivid, vibrant world I was living in was just an illusion, and last night, it snapped in two, revealing in the harsh light of day, that everything I had been doing/living so far was just an escape.

I am sorry, but I am also grateful.

My eyes are wide open, and damn, it’s bright. My mind is clear, and it’s strange and beautiful. Though I’ll be in the doghouse for a long while,but it means that there are people who love me and care for me enough to put me there.

For now, I have to put aside my dreams and wishes, until I can truly stand on my own two feet again. There are other things I have to think about before I can once more be a dream chaser, but perhaps, it’s for the better, because maybe by then, I will have better insight and wisdom, and I won’t be just chasing the dream, I’ll be living it.

Last night though, someone whom I had taken for granted stepped into the light. And I finally saw him for who he truly is. And though, I had locked away my heart in reserve for someone else, it somehow broke free from it’s chains and and landed in his hands. We stood there, over the wreckage of my once carefree life, and he held me close and tightly, and I knew that not only I was safe, but I was cared for. As we conversed into the wee hours of the night, our thoughts no longer guarded, our opinions honest, and most importantly, my mind open, I realised that perhaps all this while, I had been chasing things, too far and too hard, that I completely forgot all the things that were right in front of me.

For now, I think I must retreat back into the maze which I had lost myself in, and find my way back. Start at the beginning and instead of just trying to find the center, I have to find my way out.

I close my eyes, and as shaky and frightening the memory of last night is, I can feel : hands that reached out to help me stand, arms that held me to tell me I was alive and safe, a gentle kiss that comforted, angry words that meant someone cared, but above all, shaky breath that let me know I was alive, and that God still loved me and wanted me back in his fold.

So friends, and dear readers, I don’t know if this will be my last entry here, or if it’s the last entry for now, or the last entry for this year. Everything now is entirely up in the air. I’ve been given a second chance at a life I don’t deserve, but from now on I am grateful for. I need to do more than the superficial soul searching, I need to dig deep and find myself again and climb up from the dark and evil pit I threw myself in.

But let me just say this, if anything, it definitely happened for my own good. And the fact that it did in December, perhaps was a reminder that yes, you’re reaching the end of the year, the end of a cycle, and also the start of a new one. I cannot honestly say that from now on I am going to a pious, better person, but only that I am going to change things for myself.

Friends, don’t look for me for now. I’ll find you when I’m ready. Readers, both old and new, thank you for actually taking the time to read any and all rubbish that I had to share in my life, and especially to PTB (I’ll be in touch) and Jasmine, D and all other who have been kind enough to leave a comment and let me know that my humble, yet sometimes arrogant words were duly appreciated.

To all, Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha, Happy Hannukah, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and Happy New Life. I hope that when I decide to return, that perhaps my stories will be richer, fuller and more colourful. Thank you for your company in the search for serenity. I thought I had found mine, and it’s obvious that I haven’t. And when I start anew, I hope you will join me again.

To the one I wasn’t looking for but I have now found, I’m so happy that I’m starting anew, and this time the journey is with you.

One night a week :.

I think we should just declare one night a week where everyone in the world should be bonking. Everyone that’s the age of legal consent anyway.

Think about it, apparently, there are more and more recent studies that state the benefits of regular SAFE sex, like:

Lower mortality rates.

Reduced risk of prostate cancer.

Improves posture.

Boosts self esteem.

Makes a person feel younger.

Firms tummy and buttocks.

Keeps spouses connected emotionally.

Offers pain-relief.

Gives people a positive attitude on life.

Reduced risk of heart disease.

Makes a person more calm.

Improves fitness level.

Makes a person less irritable.

Among other things.

You bet your bunions, regular sex can be beneficial. So the world should just declare one night a week (I’m favouring Saturday) as the designated night to mate. Male singles form a line to the left. Female singles, pinch the butt of the guy you fancy. First fingers on the guy gets the ass for the night.

Yes, one night a week where we won’t be lonely or horny, the world gets a break from negativity and the world slows down into one big cataclysmic orgasm. Even thinking about the entire thing gets me hot under the collar. Like I wasn’t there already anyway.

Love, marriage and other half-truths :.

Love and marriage, love and marriage,
Go together like a horse and carriage..

Wasn’t that how the theme song of “Married with Children..” That was a funny show. I loved how dysfuctional that family was.

Okay, enough fluff.

Marriage, that’s the buzzword these days. No matter where I am, that word inevitably pops up in conversation, bringing with it the good, the bad and the ugly. Mostly the latter reaches my ears though. And it makes me more determined to enjoy my life and be true to me before I settle down.

I don’t have to look far for examples of marriages that don’t work. In all honesty, my parents marriage has hardly been all hearts and roses the past 7 years. There are times, I don’t know, I just want to ask my parents to go and get the hell divorced because I am so sick and tired of living day to day in a warzone. There are times I’ve had to choose sides, and it kills me on the inside, because as much as I am Daddy’s little girl, I love my mom too. But little miracles happen, and they stay together another day. Often I do wonder why they do, is it because they love each other, or they’re just too old to live without each other?

Excuse my cynicism when I illustrate with another point. I’ve got friends in marriages who are so unhappy, they have to find other pursuits. Loveless marriages, the only glue keeping it together are either children or family pressure. Some are just with their significant other because they’re too afraid that if they leave, they may just end up alone. And the thing is, they pop up so often, you wonder if there are any ‘real’ marriages left in the world?

Like anyone and everyone else, I am myself afraid to be alone. I feel like there’s this missing part of me because I long for someone to share my life with, give all of my heart and soul; full and complete. It’s not that my life is lacking because I don’t have someone, but it would be more richer with someone in it.

But I guess I’d rather be alone than be in a loveless marriage, bitter and angry at my husband, and forced to pursue extramarital affairs just to keep myself sane.

Typical scorpio, it’s either all or nothing, either one of two extremes and never in between.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pooh-poohing the whole institution of marriage. I do have illusions and dreams of adjusting my husband’s tie before he goes to work, sitting by the sink as I watch him shave, having all out spats and making up on the kitchen floor later. But I think I’d rather wait it out and find someone who I can be happy with the rest of my life.

Maybe I ask for too much. Yes, I’d love a guy with Hayden Christensen’s brooding looks, or Jake Gyllenhaal’s dark, blue eyed gorgeousness.. But you don’t have to be hot or cute to get me. I’ve said before “Romance my mind and you have my heart,” I’d love someone who has much to teach me and open my eyes. But by the same token, he should be ready to learn from me, seek adventure and love life. I’d enjoy the give and take of good intellectual conversation for the rest of my life. Yes, and he should be tolerant enough of my ‘blonde moments’ and my demanding personality.

Back in August, I was sitting with Gray Eyes in ‘The Dead Poet’s Society’ and he was listening raptly to what I was saying, and wasn’t even shocked when I revealed a little of my wild side. I could live that afternoon ala ‘Groundhog Day’ forever, because I saw in his eyes, not just wisdom from living a lot longer than I have, and living on the other side of the world I have known, but, this great sense of eagerness to listen and learn to what I have to say. When I was telling him about how engagements go in Brunei, (‘The Village’, our inside joke), he just so earnestly wanted to know more.

I want that from a guy, that you never stop getting to know me. The same way I’ll continually discover new things about you everyday, even if it’s the fact that you have this aim to collect 100 plastic lobsters from a particular restaurant on the Upper East Side that gives you one everytime you eat a lobster there.

I was never a ‘sweet kind of romance’ girl. Don’t give me roses, give me gerberas. And call them by the nickname I give them. I don’t want cute bears with hearts, give me a Stitch or Yoda doll. You don’t need to sing me “I will always love you”, sing to me your favourite song of all time badly on karaoke. Even if it’s Aqua’s Barbie Girl. Give me a thousand memories, rather than one super romantic moment.

I in turn, will probably laugh at you if you accidentally swallow the ring while drinking the champagne it’s in. And then I’ll help you by performing the Heimlich maneuver when you’ve almost turned purple.

I don’t care if ends up the most spontaneous yet manky ‘Britney’ quickie wedding in Vegas with the worst looking ‘Fat Elvis’ presiding. Janji saja sayang selamanya. (Just promise you’ll love me forever.)

No, I don’t want to be unhappy in a marriage because I said yes to the wrong guy, because I had an ‘accident’, because I just didn’t want to be alone.

And I could have very much made that mistake earlier this year, with Zz. I’m glad that my reluctant heart hung in there as long as it did, and didn’t fall for all the songs of romance and perfect companionship. No. It wanted the right love, and it wasn’t going to settle for anything less.

If anything, all of these words that have been burning my ears have made me realise, I’m going to wait for the right one. Not Prince Charming, but the guy who will understand that his geek wife will get dressed up in cosplay and drag him around to Sci-fi conventions.

It’s better to wait than regret. I don’t want the only regret in my life to be the biggest burden for the rest of it.

One family of cousins all got married in their 30’s, and they seem to have done alright for themselves. Even though they were the talk of the family, and the subject of clucking tongues for the longest time, they decided they were going to do the right thing and wait. And wait they did, they’re all happy, with no pressure to spawn future progeny anytime soon, all taking it at their sweet pace.

And under the very same roof as one dysfuctional marriage, a life’s journey between two kindred souls has begun and blossoms more with each passing day. I talk, of course, about my sister and her wonderful husband. The very same people who gave me a song and dance routine for my birthday, complete with excited, high pitched singing. Their love story started a long time ago back in High School, but unlike High School sweethearts, they didn’t get together until later. No, the romance in their story comes from a single page, with a pencil drawn sketch of a rose.

When my sister first left for the UK, her classmate handed her a letter of several pages, wishing her luck, and so much more. One of those pages contained that hand-pencilled sketch, which my sister kept along with the letter.

Several years away studying, and a VERY BAD BOYFRIEND later, these two souls would be reunited as friends, and start spending more and more time together. And last year, they got married, despite initial parental resistance, and differences in education and status, which in the end, truly didn’t matter.

Today, that pencil sketch is framed and hangs in their bedroom, as testament to a love that started long ago, but didn’t blossom until late. The rose has become their logo, and their love just evermore grows.

I will not get caught up in the excitement and wanting of all engagements and marriages around me. I will not be brainwashed by the cutest babies in the world, and googley eyed couples. I will not envy the happiness of my friends as they take the next steps towards the rest of their lives. My time will come.

But I reserve the right to be Bridezilla, and squee myself hoarse when the time does come. And until it does, I will wait.

Less than 24 hours to stay 25 :.

In a word.. Yikes.

I’m 15, not 25 :.

For some reason, I felt like a total teenager tonight. Blonde and bizarrely happy, as if the rest of my world was not falling around my ears.

Maybe it was the company I needed. Maybe it was the fact that I’ve been holding my breath the last couple of days wondering. Maybe it’s because today, I finally got an answer.

Even though I knew that answer a long time ago. But to look into someone’s eyes intimately and know the truth where you stand, you can breath a sigh of relief and really not wonder anymore. Months ago, I walked away, cutting my losses, and set my mind free. Today, I set the rest of my spirit free.

I confess to that tiny, tiny grain of hope that lay somewhere deep in my heart that wanted something to be there. But it wasn’t.

What confirmed the rest was the naive attitude towards all things, perhaps ignorant? Don’t pretend to understand my life, or try to be condescending. Lecturing me about right or wrong?

Lady, I have seen shit that would scorch the hair off your balls.

I have made it through enough personal hell to know my fucking consequences.

Karma? You don’t know diddly squat. Karma owes me big time.

My fucking point? Maybe there is none. I was looking at a mere shadow of a person today. One who didn’t venture beyond their own boundaries. And will always see a line and the sign that says “Do not cross.”

I’m not that kind of person. I know I venture where angels fear to tread. And sometimes, I take too many risks. But if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be standing today, I would have long passed from this world by my own hand.

Some people were made stronger than others. I’d like to think I’m one of those. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, I’ve forged my own path, I dared not to follow convention. And I don’t regret it.

After the anger passed, I started feeling sorry for that shadow of a person. I did honestly want to take them by the hand and say, “Go out and live before it’s too late.” But I smiled, said nothing, and let them go on their merry way.

Funny thing about life is, when we were born, we were born with all eyes open. And along the way, some decided to close their mind’s eye, and in effect, close their heart and their souls to other experiences. The choice varies from person to person. My choice is obvious. Their choice is theirs, and as much as I want to grab them, shake them and tell them… whatever, it’s their choice, and I have to.. abide by it, even though I don’t respect it in the least.

I’ll go have my fun. I will enjoy myself, live life to the full, make mistakes, stumble and fall, brush myself off, pick myself up and keep doing what I feel/need/want to do. I am a more fulfilled person, and I know I have touched more than a few lives. And I know so many interesting and wonderful people. Any butt-kissing, soul-sucking, egotistical, selfish, moronic, holier-than-thou fucking wannabes… you can go sit in your little invisi-square and stay there. Put your personal velvet rope up, and limit yourself to that small piece of “What you want to know and nothing else.” Me and my amazing, personally enriched, fulfilled, open-minded, beautiful and loving friends, we will take over the world.

In fact, the world is already ours.. you’ve just been too busy not knowing.

Shadow Person. Thank you for today, everything before and goodbye. You go your way, and I’ll go mine.

My wonderful friends, old and new, I love you. Thank you for accepting who I am, bits, pieces, baggage and all.

God, thank you for all your blessings, for the courage and strength you have given me, for carrying me when I felt I had none, for your faith in your wayward child, and pointing my compass, even when I have ventured far from your way.

To the one, whoever you are, thank you for loving me. It’s all I ever wanted.

And to the someone who’s momentarily chasing my demons and shadows away, making it not such a lonely place to be in right now, I don’t have words, but the smile on my face, the happiness in my heart, and the twinkle in my eye says everything.

In ten days, I hope all this wisdom is still intact. Who knows.

Anyway, I started this off light, I’ll try and finish it light.

I had fun today. I went shopping with one of my best friends. I hung out with some fun friends. I got to see someone I really missed. I have cute tikuses. I bought more make-up on eBay. I kissed two people today.

Ticking off symptoms :.

An inexplicable need to do something to my hair – Check.

Overindulging in things I had pretty much given up – Check.

Total emotional rollercoaster – Double Check.

Several epiphanies that happen in the course of one morning – Check.

An incredible urge to shop for things I don’t really need but am convinced will change my life – Checkity Check Check.

Coming Soon…

An emotional breakdown about minor and insignificant things

An incredible urge to start sorting out my stuff

A hissy fit in public for no apparent reason

An attack of the crazies

You know you’re kinda spoilt when.. :.

a) you buy all your good toiletries/make-up online or overseas. Heaven forbid that the generic stuff they use here should ever touch your skin.

b) you only buy clothes during that one shopping spree a year at Macy’s/Woodbury Common/Saks, New York. You live in Brunei.

c) you have 3 laptops. The old one. The older one. And the one you just bought. And you’re already thinking about the specs of the next one.

d) you only listen to your music exclusively via iPod. Radio is like sooo last century. I dictate my playlist, y’all. Yeah-huh.

e) you ride with 7 pairs of shoes in the car. So you can swap and change according to your mood.

f) your room actually consists of : bedroom, budoir, office and bathroom. And it’s the size of a luxury New York apartment.

Other assorted madness will be added accordingly.

Hickeys from Hell :.

The last few days have been interesting to say the least.. : )

But hey, I rocked my life the way it was meant to be, and not an iota of regret. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

Well, my only regret was the fun had to stop sometime. But hey, that’s meant to happen.

I can say this though, the last few days were the most unburdened I felt in a while.

At least I can look into the mirror and smile, laugh, blush and look in horror at the aftermath of tonight.

And I’ll be smiling for days. I haven’t felt this irresponsible, carefree and young, especially in ages.

I just want to run over to my best friend’s house and tell her, and watch as she shakes her head at me and laughs.

It’s good to be be in someone’s arms again.

I should have my head examined :.

So me and my friends reached the end of our journey, and made the wish that many people were counting on.. and we turned Bandar Seri Begawan into a city…

Seriously folks, last night I dreamed I went on a perilous journey to turn the Capital into a ‘real city’..  And the end result wasn’t too bad you know.. as we were flying over it, magic carpet style.. It took in all the major buildings and geographic points in Brunei, and combined it into a supercity..

I’m still a little flaky and sleepy this morning.. I didn’t get to finish that city tour.. maybe if I go back to sleep, I’ll get to continue it.

Mad Musings :.

You know what a cock block is, yes?

Right okay, my question is, if a girl and a dude were jonesing for the same guy, and the dude managed to worm his way in there, is it still a cock block even if the other party was a girl?

This is the madness in my mind…

Fetal Position :.

‘Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me.’ Is that how the childhood chant goes? The one that’s supposed to convince us that it doesn’t matter if someone calls you a ‘doody-head’ and makes you cry at the back of the classroom during recess.. because it’s just name-calling..

Flash forward to now.. We’re supposed to be older and wiser.. and some of us take pride in being called a ‘bitch’ because it means that we stand up for ourselves, but we secretly hurt because it still stings.. even when we’re supposed to be more self assured and confident.

Today was a day I wanted to curl myself up into a ball and hide in the darkest corner somewhere and not care about what someone close to me said. It hurt. It hurts twice as much because you respect and value that person so much that you would never think that they would say something like that. Actually, they’ve said worse. They’ve even said this horrible thing before.. but the scars have healed and the wound was forgotten, until today.

I pride myself on being a self-assured, confident, stand-up-for-myself and mine, ‘don’t take b.s’ kind of person.. It doesn’t mean that I’m not soft in the inside.. that I don’t have a heart.. or I’m not flesh and bone like everyone else..

So when I say something wounds me deeply, it does. It’s just that I can’t say anything to this person, because it would be disrespectful. I can only weep on the inside, where my tears flow free and the salt tries to heal the gaping wound inflicted by WORDS of all things.. A pen may be mightier than the sword.. But a sharp tongue can inflict savagery on a person that no sword or pen could come close to. Emotional pain. The kind that lingers long after the incident fades.. but lives on in bad memories and flashbacks.

Long after flesh heals, bruises disappear and scars fade.. the pain from words live on. It can drive a person to do pretty crazy things to themselves, break egos, shatter confidence.. I’ve known people who have become either buliemic or anorexic just because an offhand remark, “You need to lose some weight..” Others who are convinced of their mental ineptitude because a role model, a teacher had the audacity to say “Why can’t you get this? It’s so simple. You’re just stupid.” It may be just water under the bridge to others, but certain words hurt some more..  It’s because we’re already self-conscious about things, and to have it reiterated, re-infected in us in hurtful speech.. It can break someone.

I’m not going to let today’s incident break me. It’s going to smart a while though.. but I have so many bigger things to focus on.. It’ll just give me fuel to get me to where I want to go.. and just widen that ravine that makes me keep my distance.

But it still hurts.

Sexy Sheppard :.

Everyone just pause, and look. *sigh*

Lt. Col. John Sheppard comes in second of my list of Sci-Fi hotties.. The first of course, being Dr. Daniel Jackson (yummy Michael Shanks!), but since his series is now defunct, I only have Atlantis to keep me warm at night. And boy, does it ever!

Yes, I fancy Joe Flanigan, even if his little stint on ‘Dawson’s Creek’ did seriously creep me out. I didn’t think I was going to like Atlantis because of my love for SG-1, but I find the show seriously refreshing and entertaining. And the fact that Joe Flanigan and Paul McGillion are so easy on the eyes does help.. (Not to mention Beckett’s delicious Scottish accent, it’s enough to make a girl’s legs go weak..)

I’m just starting to watch Season 2 of Atlantis after finishing Season 9 of SG-1. I’m really, really trying to hold off viewing Season 10 for as long as possible. I’ve already read the episode summaries on GateWorld.net, so it’s not like I don’t know what’s going on.. (Yeah, it’s weird, I actually like plot spoilers before I watch something.. I think it’s cos I’m a Global thinker..) , but I can’t bear to watch it because I know it’s the end. And I have only more Atlantis to look forward to.. well, and waiting for the DVD movies to come out..

In the meanwhile, I’m really liking Atlantis, so much so, I did the geek thing and ordered a couple of the Atlantis Decals for my laptop.. so it looks all cool, just like the laptops in Atlantis… Yup, I think I’m ready for the Atlantis Expedition.. Daedalus, take me away!

Two and Two makes 80000 :.

You know what makes my brain work at max throttle despite the fact that I’m tired, unhappy, and cranky?

Longing. That’s what. Wanting. Desire.

Suddenly my head is full of all these thoughts, and I’m possibly out of orbit. All I know is.. that it could all work.. Like some grand long-term master plan. It could all work!

Well, if I go on with my plan for next summer necessitating what I need to do, I have more than enough to facilitate my desires, from point B to point C. From point A to point B, I can use some of the slush. In the wide wacky world of calculations, which is not my strong point, mind you.. This will all work out. Somehow.

Such madness.. such scheming..

I have a reason to live, again!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!

New York Diary : Bitter Sweetness :.

This always happens to me.. I always fall for the guys that it’s not gonna work out with. This time it’s no different..

I don’t want to be a negative Nelly, but let’s face it.. Girls like me get the short end of the stick back home.. It seems the men there prefer small skinny girls who aren’t worldly or smarter than them..

Maybe I’m not smarter, I’ve just had a helluva lot more experience and have a different way of thinking. You can say I’m pretty mouthy too.. I think that would intimidate a lot of people.

I can’t help it though.. I don’t want to hide who I am.. nor do I want to change a thing.. But what I do want is to fall in love with someone who loves me ‘as is’ and is there for the long run.. and won’t take flight as soon as things get rough.

I’m a bit too lusty for life, and some of the things I do are crazy.. so when I find someone who accepts me, good side, bad side, warts and all, sees past all my mistakes, and doesn’t mistake my past.. I wanna hang on for dear life..

But all too often those guys are just beyond my reach, whether it’s distance, religion, or something else.

It’s hard being this Malay girl sometimes..  I don’t want to fault the culture or the religion I was born in, but it does make it harder for me to find something I long for dearly in my life..  And the tears don’t help, it just makes me bitter.

The last two days have been the most heartwarming and the most sad I’ve felt in a while. Happy for obvious reasons.. and sad, well, that realisation that my heart’s desire is so out of my reach. I’m reaching for the moon here..  It’s not that I ask for too much, it’s just that I want exactly what I am worth, no more, no less.

Sure, guys like that are… well, one in a million back home. So in a country with a population of less than a quarter of a million, my chances are what? O.4? That doesn’t seem like good odds for this girl, and does that mean that I’m gonna end up with 0.4 of a man? (If my math is wrong, you must forgive me, it’s not my strong point.)

So, as I look out on the sunset against the outlines of the buildings here, in my beloved love of a city.. I ponder the destiny of my love life.  I’m clutching onto the symbol of my lost love as I look out.. and my heart aches. I don’t just want someone to love and love me back, but that someone to start a family with, and a whole new adventure.

I may have found and lost one of my destinies in the same day, but maybe it’s not the last…  I may have so many more ahead of me..

Or maybe I just wasn’t meant for just one..

But whatever it was, I wish I had an idea or even a road map to what the hell is going on in my life.

For now though, I’d just settle for a sign that I’m not going to be alone forever.

Sad and Scared :.

This year seems to be a year for loss..

Just to add to the long list of people leaving me in the lurch.. my personal trainer, Ian.

I know I shouldn’t take it so personally, after all, it’s not like he meant it against me. It’s just that his relationship with the gym hasn’t been so great, and he’s finally decided he’s had enough. I don’t blame him, I’m just desperately disappointed.

Joining the gym last year was the most empowering thing I’ve done.. and Ian’s been there for most of the way, encouraging, cajoling, scolding, bullying as necessary.. giving great advice, and looking after me well, monitoring not just my weight, my health, my strength.. and I really feel like I couldn’t have done a lot of it without him. I went from pro-couch potato, to wannabe weightlifter..

Since I heard the news earlier, I’ve felt like there was this emptiness.. It seems a bit extreme, but I’ve lost a lot of people already this year, not just to death, but general disagreements and growing out of people.. and to lose one more who’s helped me grow so much… it’s a little hard to bear.

Tomorrow, well, actually today, will be my last pt session with him. I’m definitely not going to miss it.

It’s too much, it’s just too much… losing Zz, Radin and Ian.. within 10 days.. It’s just too much..

Roll on 2008, I’ve had enough of ’07.