Sad and Scared :.

This year seems to be a year for loss..

Just to add to the long list of people leaving me in the lurch.. my personal trainer, Ian.

I know I shouldn’t take it so personally, after all, it’s not like he meant it against me. It’s just that his relationship with the gym hasn’t been so great, and he’s finally decided he’s had enough. I don’t blame him, I’m just desperately disappointed.

Joining the gym last year was the most empowering thing I’ve done.. and Ian’s been there for most of the way, encouraging, cajoling, scolding, bullying as necessary.. giving great advice, and looking after me well, monitoring not just my weight, my health, my strength.. and I really feel like I couldn’t have done a lot of it without him. I went from pro-couch potato, to wannabe weightlifter..

Since I heard the news earlier, I’ve felt like there was this emptiness.. It seems a bit extreme, but I’ve lost a lot of people already this year, not just to death, but general disagreements and growing out of people.. and to lose one more who’s helped me grow so much… it’s a little hard to bear.

Tomorrow, well, actually today, will be my last pt session with him. I’m definitely not going to miss it.

It’s too much, it’s just too much… losing Zz, Radin and Ian.. within 10 days.. It’s just too much..

Roll on 2008, I’ve had enough of ’07.

Ken Hirai – Pop Star! :.

I guess this is my travelling song.. Last time I listened to this in excess was back in January when I was heading to London.

It’s so happy, and cute..

Dance moves are a plus.. Readers in New York will recognize me as I randomly burst out dancing on the city streets..

Definitely Different (The good things in life) :.

It’s easy to break down your ego by thinking about the things that you’re not. For example, I could whine that I’m not a svelte size six, I don’t have tiny size 4 feet, I haven’t got long blonde straight hair and blue eyes. I haven’t got a line of men by my front door demanding to court me.. This list could go on forever..

But however, the list about me that’s great and different could be equally as long. For example, I’m okay with the fact that a lot of guys call me dude, or think of me as ‘just one of the guys’, it means that I have their respect and they treat me almost like an equal. Despite the fact that I straighten my bushwhacker hair, I love it, because it’s exactly like my father’s, and I will eventually stop straightening it one day, when I finally learn how to tame it.

There are things about me that are almost unique. I don’t know any Bruneian females that love sci-fi as much as I do.. Or profess to be a geek.. and by the same token, are into weightlifting and serious gymmin’.. have a comic book collection.. or have spent 2 years getting an ‘alternate education’ in the streets of Soho..

My point is, that if you focus on the negative things that you can’t be, then you’re disregarding all the great things about you.. And it’s all that negative feedback and thought that makes life so miserable. We can get so caught up in all the negativity that we forget that these are all just little things, and that there are greater and better things ahead of us.

Recent example : I was so into a guy that I was convinced was the one for me. Nothing could sway me, not the words of my friends, not the distance between us, not even when he hooked up with another girl. My life just stopped because I ultimately believed that once he was with me, everything would be perfect. Believe you me, I was so stubborn, there were too many nights that I cried myself to sleep because I made myself so miserable with the thought that there could be no one else but him for me. My life practically stopped. All I could talk to my friends about was him. School, work, partying, friends, held no appeal.. When I shopped, I shopped for the outfit that would make him see me differently…

I know, how could I have been so stupid and stubborn? But they say love is blind.. and I was so blind and deaf and dumb for anyone but him… It was borderline obsession.

Then the day finally came where I finally realised that nothing was going to happen.. That no matter how much I moped and hoped, he was as deaf, dumb and blind to me, as I was to anyone else..

You’d think that after all my suffering, it would have been easy to give him up. But I still couldn’t. Letting go was twice as hard than believing that he would come back to me. But with help and encouragement from my friend and life coach, Vanessa, I slowly broke away from the obsession that was literally breaking me down and ruining my life.

I can hold my head up high and breathe now.. I’m better than functioning, I’m living.. I’m paving my own path..

That narrow vision, just focusing on a guy could have been my downfall.. It was fortunate that I stopped my damaging behavior and train of thought before I really became a train wreck.

It’s the same with the negativity. If day by day, I just worried about the numbers on the scale.. that inch of spare tire around my hips, the buddha belly.. I’d have neuroses and a half! And those things would just consume me.. It’s such a blessing that I have a really healthy viewpoint and relationship with my body and food. Yes, I stress eat, but I make a deal with myself that if I’m allowed to indulge that sweet/savory tooth, that I must invest the time in the gym. I have no expectations that I must lose a lb a week.. I accept that if my bodyfat decreases or my muscle mass increases, a little or a lot, I’m happy. I set goals so that I stay focused and carry on with what I’m doing. Yes, I still smoke, but if I can delay that craving for a stick, or even eliminate one a day, that’s one cigarette less that’s killing me. Eventually, I will stop altogether.

You see, it’s easy to dream of the big picture that you long to see yourself as. But it’s a braver thing to accept the things that you are, and make changes as they are due, or necessary, or when you feel like it.

I am brave, I am strong, I have seen and experienced such pain and horrors in my life that I would not wish on anyone else.. But I am still here, living, breathing, smiling..

I’m different, I’m proud..  I’m quirky, happy and grateful..

And I have a great attitude to life..   I think I really got it good.

Small Victories :.

In case you’re wondering.. I haven’t been wallowing in bed moping about Zz.. I’ve been so busy, that blogging has become a luxury..

I didn’t even manage to get to the gym until today.. and even then, it was just a PT session with Ian, I didn’t even have time to cardio..

A friend I hadn’t seen at the gym in a while was there today.. I didn’t even realise it was him on the treadmill in front of me.. And when I realised it was Tin tin, I wolf-whistled and told him to shake his bon-bon..  Okay, I know it’s incredibly sexist.. but we’re cool like that.

It was a good session, despite all the children in the weights room. Ian was having me do lat pull-downs, squats and push-ups back to back. So we occupied our little corner of the room.. I was doing quite well, when in the middle of my 2nd set of reps, some punk decided to use the lat pull down machine. Ian politely shooed them away, but I could tell he was annoyed. The third time around, some other child decided to try squats in the power rack, using the weight Ian set up for me. I was less than amused at that point, and Ian frustrated.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that there’s no exclusivity on weights.. But at least have the courtesy to ask if we were done, and the other thing that bothered me was that by the third rep, the weight on the bar was quite heavy, and not good to start with, or for beginners, which I assumed that guy was.. (You can tell, over developed arms, skinny legs.) So for my fourth set, Ian set the weight heavy. Not too heavy for me, of course, but heavy enough to show those kids that I am not to be messed with. The thing about Ian is, he’s not heavy handed with the compliments. When I’ve done a good job, he acknowledges it.. If I’m being lazy, he lets me have it. So when he said ” Show them what you can do..” I knew that was my cue..

We’re both pleased with my push-ups.. Both in quality and quantity. No spaghetti limp arms for this girl. I was so happy that I gave Ian the lunges. You gotta give and take..  I may whine about them, but I’ll still do them.

The highlight of the day wasn’t about working out, though it happened at the gym. I had just picked up a parcel from the post office.. and inside were two pairs of jeans I had bought on eBay. At first glance, I was wary because as gorgeous as they were, I didn’t think they would fit. So after my shower, as if I was facing an enemy, I decided to try a pair on..

The fit is snug.. but I can fit into them! No grease or effort to get into them.. No sucking in, no not breathing.. I FIT INTO THOSE DAMN JEANS! I was so happy, I squealed and did a crazy half-nekkid dance around the locker room.. Had anyone walked in then, I think they would have thought I was batshit insane or something.

So yeah.. I’m getting there.. : ) One jeans size at a time!

—————-
Now playing: Billy Crawford – When U Think About Me
via FoxyTunes

Coming to terms :.

Our three month anniversary came and went. I was hoping that he’d have realised things by then and he’d be back. But the quiet is suffocating, and so is the denial.

So, here it is in the black and white : Zz and I are not together anymore.

I don’t know how it happened, or why.. But things just broke down between us. I always thought that I’d be the one to run.. And the way it turned out, it’s him and not me. The curse of the ‘3 month relationship’ lives on.

I’m numb in the sense that there’s no time for me to be sad.. I’m busy, so I guess that’s my savior for now.

I’m not angry at Zz.. I’m hurt, and disappointed.. It feels like when I was finally ready for everything, he just stopped. Is it just the thrill of the chase that gets him?

Disappointing Relationships this year : 2 , Buffy : 0

*sigh.*

It’s okay.. I have one healthy relationship that’s working for me now, and that’s between me and my gym.

Sore and the Deathly Panda Eyes :.

My brain’s fuzzy from staying up all night and not getting enough sleep… my legs and my chest are sore..  I’m still wondering why my dad makes me get up so early on a Sunday…

So I’ve finished ‘Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows.’ Despite it not being as thick as ‘HBP’ or ‘GOF’, it took me the better part of the day to finish it, because I was running around doing errands and stuff.

And then when I finished the book around ten-ish last night, I had to go back and read some bits again.

(Don’t worry, no spoilers here..)

‘TDH’ is alright I suppose. It’s an ending to the ‘Potter’ series..  I just didn’t expect J.K Rowling to be so cruel and brutal to kill so many characters like they were flies being swatted. I suppose it’s in the swing of the drama in the book.. I wanted a longer book just so that I could see most of the characters that Harry interacts with have a sort of ending as well, not just Harry. But at the same time, Rowling really knows how to pour the suspense in. After the deaths of two characters in the first few chapters, you’re thinking, ‘All bets are off, who’s next?’

There was one bit, I think that Hermione was being OTT. But at the same time, I could relate on a little level.

I’m sorry, when Rowling writes THE kissing scene.. I winced a bit. Too romancey novel for me. Then there was THE OTHER kissing scene.. Umm.. I was rolling my eyes.

I see the word ‘BITCH’ used  in  the text…

Some characters really came into their own in this book, and became more endeared to me..

When this book becomes a film, this is going to be all blood, guts and gore.

Right, go and read it and see if you agree with me on those few things I can say without ruining it for everyone. And be quick about it!

I has Harry Potter!

That is all.

Fat legs and Jedi Mind Tricks :.

Okay, I lie.. they’re not really fat.. they’re just awesomely muscular. And have extremely large bones. I have gigantic bone structure, okay. God gave me Amazon build. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can never be a skinny, frail chick. I’m cool with that. I’m okay with the whole thick legs thing.. I already know that all I have to do is slip on a pair of heels, and they instantly go from chunky to sexy.. hence, why I love heels.. Even if it does make me taller than about 75% of the male population in Brunei..

Uh.. I’ve lost my point.. Oh yeah.. Legs.. I’m quite amused by the fact that since the last time I weighed in my legs have gained a kilo of muscle, and a wee bit of fat.. My arms have lost a little bit of muscle mass.. and that belly fat is budging, in small numbers.

But overall, I’ve gained muscle mass… which is why the numbers on the scale keep climbing, much to my discontent. *sigh* I know that muscle gain is good.. but I’d feel a lot better if the numbers went down.. instead of up. This is why you cannot trust your scale.. I hope that by getting a jump start with my cardio, that I’ll start losing a bit more fat mass.. and see a few more changes… preferably no more to my butt, thank you very much. I used to be ‘Bootylicious’ and now I have a flat butt.. All the better to fit into jeans I suppose.. *sigh* But I miss it so..

I was watching a guy on the treadmill today in utter fascination.. I couldn’t help it.. He ran maybe a half-hour, or maybe even closer to an hour… whatever it was, he had maintained constant speed and didn’t stop.. not for rest, nothing.. and by the end of it, he was so drenched… it was like he had just hopped out of the shower with his clothes on.. I’m serious.. that was how distinctly wet he was.. and he didn’t stop running.. not ’til he was done. I was just so in awe. It just gave me more mental fuel to want to get to that stage..

After three days of the 3:2 walk/jog, I can see a small improvement.. On the first day, my heart rate was peaking something nasty in the 180.. I noticed that it was peaking consistently at 178 today.. I really want to get that down because I’m working so close to 90% of my maximum heart rate..

I’m no athlete, though I would like to think that I am.. I don’t want to risk injury or burnout.. I’m certainly enjoying my daily gym sessions.. I feel that I have more mental focus, and peace of mind.. My headspace isn’t as dark as it’s been the past few months.. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s almost like all that excess mental energy that drives me to overthink and overanalyse everything gets burned up in the gym.. and it’s such a nice feeling.. For most of my life, I’ve never really enjoyed mental clarity in a very natural way.. I’ve always abused something or other to filter out all the noise in my mind.. and even then, it wasn’t really clear thinking, it was just a way to block it out..

Contrary to what most people think, working out isn’t a mindless thing.. I know in my head, I’m running through my goals and using great mental focus to get that extra rep, to get to the two minute mark of my jog without giving in, listening to my body and where it aches and hurts.. and I feel because of all that forced focused thinking, that’s why I’m less… nuts(?) these days..

I suppose I worry less about people and things.. I really need to focus on myself.. So I’ve been indulging in some visually gorgeous but mindless TV, making shopping lists, just really enjoying me and finding myself again..

I think the other thing I should do is get a massage.. My back is sore.. Yes, mindless pampering is good too..

Fitness Goals – One Down! :.

Back in May, I listed my Fitness Goals that I wanted to achieve by the end of the year.

I can cross out one from my list.. Yay!

a) Be able to do 5 chin ups

b) Be able to squat my bodyweight

c) Reduce my bodyfat by 5%

d) Be strong enough to do a proper handstand

e) Be able to do 20 proper push-ups

f) Hold the plank for 60 secs

g) Be able to bench press 40lbs (on the 45lb bar)

Though I had already done that last week, I just checked my list today, and thought it was worthy of celebration.. That is such an awesome feeling, to know that I can cross that off my list.. I think it’s probably the easiest one though..

I think I need to work on my chin-ups/pull-ups more.. I’ve been neglecting that for a while.. Maybe that should be my next goal hit up.

I’ve got to decide on my reward now..  I’m thinking haircut.. colour, get a few waves in… I love Van’s haircut in the 2nd Season of ‘Dante’s Cove.’ Sexy sunbeach waves.. I haven’t really had anything but straight hair for a while.. Change would be good..

Right, it’s late, and I’m off to bed, I’m tired from today’s fun and games…

Learning to run :.

Two days of cardio in a row.. an emergency cropped up and I had to send my parents to the airport, so I missed out on my PT with Ian..

I was thinking of trying spinning again, but there were only intermediate classes today, so I gave it a miss.. I wasn’t about to jump into the deep end without at least trying to last through an entire class. I may try that next week..

I’ve mentioned before that I have trouble running.. I have some weird thing with my hip, where it locks up.. but jogging I can just about do..

I’ve started jogging for two minute intervals on the treadmill.. It’s kind of scary to see how fast my heart rate just shoots to about 180.. I didn’t realise I was that ‘unfit.’ Well, time to change all that..

I’m doing a jog for 2 min/walk for 3 min.. It’s a comfortable pace I can keep up.. Before, just rushing up a couple of flights of stairs used to wind me.. The fact that I can keep pace for 2 mins, is a pretty big improvement.. I have to admit, there were a couple of times that I got winded and ended up shaving 30 secs off my jog time.. But it’s the first week, you know.. We shall make improvements as we go along..

There was a guy beside me earlier at the gym, he had been running for 30 mins.. and I could only look on in envy.. I mean, come on.. in a 2 min jog, I was as drenched as he was at the end of his 30 mins..

When working out, you can’t really compare yourself to others, you got all body types, and people who have been working out for years and newbies.. It’s okay to be a little competitive, but you don’t wanna be such a smart ass, that upon seeing a guy squatting 150 lbs, you think, “Hey, I can do that!” when you’ve really only been lifting a week.

Though I envy those people who can run for miles without breaking a sweat, I know I myself am capable of getting to their level, it’s all a matter of keeping up, improving a little at a time.. and habits have got to change.. I don’t expect miracles, especially since I still smoke.. That’s one habit I really have to kick.

But I’m happy with what I’ve achieved the last couple of days.. I’ve been to the gym three days in a row.. that’s one more day a week than I’ve been going for a couple of months. If I go tomorrow, it will be two. And when I hit the gym on Saturday to PT with Ian, that will be three. Take it one day at a time.. Add another minute, an extra rep, an additional lb on the bar. Don’t let the setbacks and disappointments get you down.. Keep moving forward.. At each goal, celebrate your achievement, and look forward to the next one.. Don’t stop, don’t stop believing, and above all, don’t stop achieving..

Yes, this is becoming a slayer, the hard way..

Sorrow :.

Life is a strange and unpredictable creature.. One minute you are celebrating your life, and the next you are mourning the end of someone else’s,,

I don’t know, I guess I am just shocked.. I barely knew this man, but he has helped my family greatly in the past couple of months.. He’s helped so many people in his long lifetime, and the stories he has to tell are as amazing as they are almost unbelievable..

I guess I just feel fortunate enough that he has been able to impart some knowledge to us, shared some of his amazing experiences, and help in whatever way he can..

Though I’m sad that he’s gone, there’s that part of me that knows, a very special man has been called back to God, and that he will have a place among the good people, for all the work he has done in his lifetime..

For this man, Al-Fatihah.

It’s all about attitude :.

My best friend Thor is a worldly and wise person.. She’s been there as the governing body of all that is sane in my world.. I don’t agree with her some of the time, but I know that even when I disagree with her, she’s only looking out for my best interests. She is amazing.. She may be the only person who understands who I truly am because she’s been through as much shit as I have, and came out victorious.. Though I have yet to see that day myself.. it is her belief in me that keeps me going.. even on days when I feel like I’d rather see it all ended now, than live another day.

She’s right on one sure thing though.. sometimes things are not as bad as they seem, despite the fact that you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. She has often said to me that I should stop being Atlas and just let the world spin on it’s own accord and focus on myself..

As I come to terms to accept the things I cannot change or fix, I’m finding a new inner strength and serenity within. I’m focusing more on myself, both physically and emotionally.. It’s strange, it was after I found really the strength to admit defeat that I started feeling better, and an almost unusual sense of peace. I had probably been fighting against something for too long, and too hard that I really forgot about myself, and who I really was.

The other thing that made me feel better was that someone left a comment here that just really made my day. A stranger took the time to write something, and that really touches me..

The thing about my words here, it’s not about vanity or self-promotion.. Anything I write here is almost a purging of my soul, a space where I can write and allow myself to be truthful, purely or slightly, and share some of the things I love and/or hate.. To be as weird and wacky and inspired as I want, and really not care that I am judged, because this is me expressing myself.  I have a place that I can look back and almost track my progress about how far I’ve come, or even read the depths which I’ve sunk, which is what this blog is really about to me.
To be honest, though sometimes it’s fun to see how many people have come and gone, and to see what they’ve read. I can only hope that some of the stuff I write here is really worth reading.. I know that I am not a fantastic writer, maybe quirky at best.. But it’s a real honour when someone actually who just stumbled upon this site makes a small effort to let me know that they’ve been here and tell me what they think.

Though the cloudy days are still here, I’m starting to notice the sunshine peeping in between the clouds. I’m starting to breathe,  not just to keep body and soul together, but real deep breaths that know I’m alive and it’s worth something.

Suddenly, music seems so much sweeter, working out is starting to get as enjoyable as it once was.. and chocolate is not just comfort food, but it’s a real pleasurable experience..

It’s amazing what a change I feel in just a few days.. I’m starting to focus on my work more, and I keep finding reasons for why my life, as turbulent and traumatic it is, is so amazing and full…

Thanks for reading this, whoever you are, friend or foe, or just a stranger stumbling upon this blog.. If there’s something I wish to impart on you now, it’s this.. take a deep breath and take the time to focus on yourself. Take the time to find the truths about yourself and I hope you find the serenity that you’re searching for.. I know that I’m once again on the path to it that I have long strayed from, and I wish you that too.

Addicted to Lust :.

I just picked up a copy of the 2 Season set for ‘Dante’s Cove.’ It’s chock full of love, lust, magic, dark stuff, beach scenes.. and eye-candy… YUM!

I’ve been dying to see it since last year, when I discovered the trailer on YouTube by accident.. Since then, it was first on my list of DVD series to buy when I hit my most favouritest city in the world.. (yes, even before Stargate SG-1)

1111 :.

1111 – Approx No. of Calories I burned at the gym today, according to my Polar Watch.

58 – No. of shots I missed.

8 – No. of shots I managed to get in the basket.

30 – Minutes I stayed in the Beginners Spinning Class.

2 – Minute intervals which I started jogging on the treadmill.

1 – really proud but tired Buffy.

I’m trying to get out of the rut I’ve been wallowing in and trying to reprogram my brain not to hate cardio. Cardio is almost essential to any weight loss program, and these past few weeks, my two sessions of weights with Ian has pretty much been what I’ve been doing each week. I’m trying to change that.

I was telling Ian about my cardio rut yesterday, and he took me to the basketball court to shoot some hoops and practice some passes. I got quite into it, so I included it today in my ‘cardio-fest.’ I just needed to change up things a little bit.. so I added short running intervals when I’m on the treadmill, and started hanging out in the basketball court.

I don’t what made me say ‘yes’ to the spinning class though.. Pia just came up to me and asked if I wanted to join.. and I have refused profusely many times before.. and before I knew it, I was one of those really uncomfy bike seats, listening to Rosa yell “Up, down, up down, UP DOWN!” I always find myself in situations where I’m the only female. This spinning class wasn’t any different. I mean, save for Rosa, there I was, the only girl. “One girl in all the world..” Is it because I wannabe Buffy? Hehehe.. Okay, LAME! I know..

Can’t wait for tomorrow.. I asked Ian to reschedule our Saturday session.. because I’ll feeling rather psyched..

You know what would be a really interesting workout? Teyla from Stargate : Atlantis stick fighting martial arts. That would be pretty awesome.. Either that or sword fighting… I love watching movies with lots of intricate swordplay, because it’s not just about swinging this massive metal thing with sharp edges around, it’s almost like a dance… a very dangerous one while wielding a massive metal thing with sharp edges..

Anyone know someone like that who could teach me?

Defeat :.

Sometimes, no matter how much we want something, no matter how much willing we are to fight for it, it just doesn’t work out the way we want to..

It’s not that we’re giving up, but when the cost is just too much for the victory, you have to cut your losses and live to fight another day…

It’s a harsh lesson I learned this week. And as reluctant as I am to close the chapter on this battle, no matter how much I want to stay in there and fight for what’s rightfully mine.. I can’t. I hate leaving this piece of unfinished business, especially since it’s a hollow victory to the winner. I know if I had the resources, I would have won this.. and come out with more than just battle scars, but a feeling of fulfilment and having saved someone from a life full of lies and empty shadows.

But I have to move on.. My life just can’t stop for one thing only, and I’ve put it almost on pause for as long as this battle has been taking.. It really makes me sad that “This is it.” and “That’s all of it.” but there’s nothing more I can do from here.

I know they say that ‘Love can move mountains,’ and even though my heart was completely in this.. it just wasn’t enough..

So I’ll just take my tired and wounded self.. and recuperate for awhile.. Give myself time to settle to the fact that I’ve done my best.. and the entire thing was just played unfairly, because had it been a fair contest.. I really would be the victor.

They say “All’s fair in love and war..” Those words have never been truer to me.