Archive for July, 2007

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Sad and Scared :.

July 31, 2007

This year seems to be a year for loss..

Just to add to the long list of people leaving me in the lurch.. my personal trainer, Ian.

I know I shouldn’t take it so personally, after all, it’s not like he meant it against me. It’s just that his relationship with the gym hasn’t been so great, and he’s finally decided he’s had enough. I don’t blame him, I’m just desperately disappointed.

Joining the gym last year was the most empowering thing I’ve done.. and Ian’s been there for most of the way, encouraging, cajoling, scolding, bullying as necessary.. giving great advice, and looking after me well, monitoring not just my weight, my health, my strength.. and I really feel like I couldn’t have done a lot of it without him. I went from pro-couch potato, to wannabe weightlifter..

Since I heard the news earlier, I’ve felt like there was this emptiness.. It seems a bit extreme, but I’ve lost a lot of people already this year, not just to death, but general disagreements and growing out of people.. and to lose one more who’s helped me grow so much… it’s a little hard to bear.

Tomorrow, well, actually today, will be my last pt session with him. I’m definitely not going to miss it.

It’s too much, it’s just too much… losing Zz, Radin and Ian.. within 10 days.. It’s just too much..

Roll on 2008, I’ve had enough of ’07.

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Ken Hirai – Pop Star! :.

July 30, 2007

I guess this is my travelling song.. Last time I listened to this in excess was back in January when I was heading to London.

It’s so happy, and cute..

Dance moves are a plus.. Readers in New York will recognize me as I randomly burst out dancing on the city streets..

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Definitely Different (The good things in life) :.

July 26, 2007

It’s easy to break down your ego by thinking about the things that you’re not. For example, I could whine that I’m not a svelte size six, I don’t have tiny size 4 feet, I haven’t got long blonde straight hair and blue eyes. I haven’t got a line of men by my front door demanding to court me.. This list could go on forever..

But however, the list about me that’s great and different could be equally as long. For example, I’m okay with the fact that a lot of guys call me dude, or think of me as ‘just one of the guys’, it means that I have their respect and they treat me almost like an equal. Despite the fact that I straighten my bushwhacker hair, I love it, because it’s exactly like my father’s, and I will eventually stop straightening it one day, when I finally learn how to tame it.

There are things about me that are almost unique. I don’t know any Bruneian females that love sci-fi as much as I do.. Or profess to be a geek.. and by the same token, are into weightlifting and serious gymmin’.. have a comic book collection.. or have spent 2 years getting an ‘alternate education’ in the streets of Soho..

My point is, that if you focus on the negative things that you can’t be, then you’re disregarding all the great things about you.. And it’s all that negative feedback and thought that makes life so miserable. We can get so caught up in all the negativity that we forget that these are all just little things, and that there are greater and better things ahead of us.

Recent example : I was so into a guy that I was convinced was the one for me. Nothing could sway me, not the words of my friends, not the distance between us, not even when he hooked up with another girl. My life just stopped because I ultimately believed that once he was with me, everything would be perfect. Believe you me, I was so stubborn, there were too many nights that I cried myself to sleep because I made myself so miserable with the thought that there could be no one else but him for me. My life practically stopped. All I could talk to my friends about was him. School, work, partying, friends, held no appeal.. When I shopped, I shopped for the outfit that would make him see me differently…

I know, how could I have been so stupid and stubborn? But they say love is blind.. and I was so blind and deaf and dumb for anyone but him… It was borderline obsession.

Then the day finally came where I finally realised that nothing was going to happen.. That no matter how much I moped and hoped, he was as deaf, dumb and blind to me, as I was to anyone else..

You’d think that after all my suffering, it would have been easy to give him up. But I still couldn’t. Letting go was twice as hard than believing that he would come back to me. But with help and encouragement from my friend and life coach, Vanessa, I slowly broke away from the obsession that was literally breaking me down and ruining my life.

I can hold my head up high and breathe now.. I’m better than functioning, I’m living.. I’m paving my own path..

That narrow vision, just focusing on a guy could have been my downfall.. It was fortunate that I stopped my damaging behavior and train of thought before I really became a train wreck.

It’s the same with the negativity. If day by day, I just worried about the numbers on the scale.. that inch of spare tire around my hips, the buddha belly.. I’d have neuroses and a half! And those things would just consume me.. It’s such a blessing that I have a really healthy viewpoint and relationship with my body and food. Yes, I stress eat, but I make a deal with myself that if I’m allowed to indulge that sweet/savory tooth, that I must invest the time in the gym. I have no expectations that I must lose a lb a week.. I accept that if my bodyfat decreases or my muscle mass increases, a little or a lot, I’m happy. I set goals so that I stay focused and carry on with what I’m doing. Yes, I still smoke, but if I can delay that craving for a stick, or even eliminate one a day, that’s one cigarette less that’s killing me. Eventually, I will stop altogether.

You see, it’s easy to dream of the big picture that you long to see yourself as. But it’s a braver thing to accept the things that you are, and make changes as they are due, or necessary, or when you feel like it.

I am brave, I am strong, I have seen and experienced such pain and horrors in my life that I would not wish on anyone else.. But I am still here, living, breathing, smiling..

I’m different, I’m proud..  I’m quirky, happy and grateful..

And I have a great attitude to life..   I think I really got it good.

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Small Victories :.

July 26, 2007

In case you’re wondering.. I haven’t been wallowing in bed moping about Zz.. I’ve been so busy, that blogging has become a luxury..

I didn’t even manage to get to the gym until today.. and even then, it was just a PT session with Ian, I didn’t even have time to cardio..

A friend I hadn’t seen at the gym in a while was there today.. I didn’t even realise it was him on the treadmill in front of me.. And when I realised it was Tin tin, I wolf-whistled and told him to shake his bon-bon..  Okay, I know it’s incredibly sexist.. but we’re cool like that.

It was a good session, despite all the children in the weights room. Ian was having me do lat pull-downs, squats and push-ups back to back. So we occupied our little corner of the room.. I was doing quite well, when in the middle of my 2nd set of reps, some punk decided to use the lat pull down machine. Ian politely shooed them away, but I could tell he was annoyed. The third time around, some other child decided to try squats in the power rack, using the weight Ian set up for me. I was less than amused at that point, and Ian frustrated.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that there’s no exclusivity on weights.. But at least have the courtesy to ask if we were done, and the other thing that bothered me was that by the third rep, the weight on the bar was quite heavy, and not good to start with, or for beginners, which I assumed that guy was.. (You can tell, over developed arms, skinny legs.) So for my fourth set, Ian set the weight heavy. Not too heavy for me, of course, but heavy enough to show those kids that I am not to be messed with. The thing about Ian is, he’s not heavy handed with the compliments. When I’ve done a good job, he acknowledges it.. If I’m being lazy, he lets me have it. So when he said ” Show them what you can do..” I knew that was my cue..

We’re both pleased with my push-ups.. Both in quality and quantity. No spaghetti limp arms for this girl. I was so happy that I gave Ian the lunges. You gotta give and take..  I may whine about them, but I’ll still do them.

The highlight of the day wasn’t about working out, though it happened at the gym. I had just picked up a parcel from the post office.. and inside were two pairs of jeans I had bought on eBay. At first glance, I was wary because as gorgeous as they were, I didn’t think they would fit. So after my shower, as if I was facing an enemy, I decided to try a pair on..

The fit is snug.. but I can fit into them! No grease or effort to get into them.. No sucking in, no not breathing.. I FIT INTO THOSE DAMN JEANS! I was so happy, I squealed and did a crazy half-nekkid dance around the locker room.. Had anyone walked in then, I think they would have thought I was batshit insane or something.

So yeah.. I’m getting there.. : ) One jeans size at a time!

—————-
Now playing: Billy Crawford – When U Think About Me
via FoxyTunes

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Coming to terms :.

July 23, 2007

Our three month anniversary came and went. I was hoping that he’d have realised things by then and he’d be back. But the quiet is suffocating, and so is the denial.

So, here it is in the black and white : Zz and I are not together anymore.

I don’t know how it happened, or why.. But things just broke down between us. I always thought that I’d be the one to run.. And the way it turned out, it’s him and not me. The curse of the ‘3 month relationship’ lives on.

I’m numb in the sense that there’s no time for me to be sad.. I’m busy, so I guess that’s my savior for now.

I’m not angry at Zz.. I’m hurt, and disappointed.. It feels like when I was finally ready for everything, he just stopped. Is it just the thrill of the chase that gets him?

Disappointing Relationships this year : 2 , Buffy : 0

*sigh.*

It’s okay.. I have one healthy relationship that’s working for me now, and that’s between me and my gym.

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Sore and the Deathly Panda Eyes :.

July 22, 2007

My brain’s fuzzy from staying up all night and not getting enough sleep… my legs and my chest are sore..  I’m still wondering why my dad makes me get up so early on a Sunday…

So I’ve finished ‘Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows.’ Despite it not being as thick as ‘HBP’ or ‘GOF’, it took me the better part of the day to finish it, because I was running around doing errands and stuff.

And then when I finished the book around ten-ish last night, I had to go back and read some bits again.

(Don’t worry, no spoilers here..)

‘TDH’ is alright I suppose. It’s an ending to the ‘Potter’ series..  I just didn’t expect J.K Rowling to be so cruel and brutal to kill so many characters like they were flies being swatted. I suppose it’s in the swing of the drama in the book.. I wanted a longer book just so that I could see most of the characters that Harry interacts with have a sort of ending as well, not just Harry. But at the same time, Rowling really knows how to pour the suspense in. After the deaths of two characters in the first few chapters, you’re thinking, ‘All bets are off, who’s next?’

There was one bit, I think that Hermione was being OTT. But at the same time, I could relate on a little level.

I’m sorry, when Rowling writes THE kissing scene.. I winced a bit. Too romancey novel for me. Then there was THE OTHER kissing scene.. Umm.. I was rolling my eyes.

I see the word ‘BITCH’ used  in  the text…

Some characters really came into their own in this book, and became more endeared to me..

When this book becomes a film, this is going to be all blood, guts and gore.

Right, go and read it and see if you agree with me on those few things I can say without ruining it for everyone. And be quick about it!

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I has Harry Potter!

July 21, 2007

That is all.