I’m 15, not 25 :.

For some reason, I felt like a total teenager tonight. Blonde and bizarrely happy, as if the rest of my world was not falling around my ears.

Maybe it was the company I needed. Maybe it was the fact that I’ve been holding my breath the last couple of days wondering. Maybe it’s because today, I finally got an answer.

Even though I knew that answer a long time ago. But to look into someone’s eyes intimately and know the truth where you stand, you can breath a sigh of relief and really not wonder anymore. Months ago, I walked away, cutting my losses, and set my mind free. Today, I set the rest of my spirit free.

I confess to that tiny, tiny grain of hope that lay somewhere deep in my heart that wanted something to be there. But it wasn’t.

What confirmed the rest was the naive attitude towards all things, perhaps ignorant? Don’t pretend to understand my life, or try to be condescending. Lecturing me about right or wrong?

Lady, I have seen shit that would scorch the hair off your balls.

I have made it through enough personal hell to know my fucking consequences.

Karma? You don’t know diddly squat. Karma owes me big time.

My fucking point? Maybe there is none. I was looking at a mere shadow of a person today. One who didn’t venture beyond their own boundaries. And will always see a line and the sign that says “Do not cross.”

I’m not that kind of person. I know I venture where angels fear to tread. And sometimes, I take too many risks. But if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be standing today, I would have long passed from this world by my own hand.

Some people were made stronger than others. I’d like to think I’m one of those. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, I’ve forged my own path, I dared not to follow convention. And I don’t regret it.

After the anger passed, I started feeling sorry for that shadow of a person. I did honestly want to take them by the hand and say, “Go out and live before it’s too late.” But I smiled, said nothing, and let them go on their merry way.

Funny thing about life is, when we were born, we were born with all eyes open. And along the way, some decided to close their mind’s eye, and in effect, close their heart and their souls to other experiences. The choice varies from person to person. My choice is obvious. Their choice is theirs, and as much as I want to grab them, shake them and tell them… whatever, it’s their choice, and I have to.. abide by it, even though I don’t respect it in the least.

I’ll go have my fun. I will enjoy myself, live life to the full, make mistakes, stumble and fall, brush myself off, pick myself up and keep doing what I feel/need/want to do. I am a more fulfilled person, and I know I have touched more than a few lives. And I know so many interesting and wonderful people. Any butt-kissing, soul-sucking, egotistical, selfish, moronic, holier-than-thou fucking wannabes… you can go sit in your little invisi-square and stay there. Put your personal velvet rope up, and limit yourself to that small piece of “What you want to know and nothing else.” Me and my amazing, personally enriched, fulfilled, open-minded, beautiful and loving friends, we will take over the world.

In fact, the world is already ours.. you’ve just been too busy not knowing.

Shadow Person. Thank you for today, everything before and goodbye. You go your way, and I’ll go mine.

My wonderful friends, old and new, I love you. Thank you for accepting who I am, bits, pieces, baggage and all.

God, thank you for all your blessings, for the courage and strength you have given me, for carrying me when I felt I had none, for your faith in your wayward child, and pointing my compass, even when I have ventured far from your way.

To the one, whoever you are, thank you for loving me. It’s all I ever wanted.

And to the someone who’s momentarily chasing my demons and shadows away, making it not such a lonely place to be in right now, I don’t have words, but the smile on my face, the happiness in my heart, and the twinkle in my eye says everything.

In ten days, I hope all this wisdom is still intact. Who knows.

Anyway, I started this off light, I’ll try and finish it light.

I had fun today. I went shopping with one of my best friends. I hung out with some fun friends. I got to see someone I really missed. I have cute tikuses. I bought more make-up on eBay. I kissed two people today.

The comfort of loving arms and validation of one’s self :.

I can understand now why my life coach Vanessa keeps insisting that I see my friends often..  I’ve been hermitizing for a while, for various reasons. It’s not good for me, because I tend to overthink everything, and the conversations with myself get entirely dull.. (Yes, you try discussing the ins and outs of Sith Vs Jedi with yourself, honestly, it’s a no win situation!)

Tonight, I had to get out. I was tired of the company of my family, and for certain if I stayed in,  there would have been bloodshed. My parents are on the warpath with their wayward, independent, unmarried daughter.. and they were rubbing me up the wrong way, so it was out and about for this girl..

I went to a friend’s place and caught up with some long lost peoples..  You don’t know how much you can miss them unless you haven’t seen them in a long while.. and just sitting on the balcony, smoking our lives away, talking and catching up over the amazing view of Gadong.. wow.. it’s just fcuking amazing. Add to that the comfort and hugs of the two warmest people I know.. The evening was almost perfect.

I wish I had taken pictures.. I was sitting on the balcony, and looking at the cool silhouettes of my friends on the ceiling..  It had been a really long while since I’ve been with the group, and though only some of them were there, it felt good.. It was familiar, and it felt like home.

I seem to value my friends a lot more than my family.. It’s not that I don’t appreciate my real family, but I really love my friends.. they are my chosen family.. They are the people who I feel more myself and comfortable with.. There are no pretenses, no judgements..  they’ve seen me, warts, bad jokes, tears and all.. and they accept me as I am.. just the way I accept them. There are more truths and honesty between us than I can ever be with my real family, because of the tradition and the expectations that hold me back..

It’s nice to know that you’re not alone in walking a difficult path. The road I have chosen is not easy, and fraught with hardship, but hearing support from my friends, and stories of peers also undertaking a similar journey makes me braver.. I know that life is not perfect, and we shouldn’t expect it to drop opportunities in our lap..

Being away from my friends was hard.. not just because of the choice I made, but without them, I was forced to confront a few inevitabilities.  I grew up. I faced my fears.. I am now just a touch wiser, and a little less fearful. When you get taken out of your comfort zone, and have to face up to things, you have to grow up. Those were words I was afraid to admit before.. but I happily confess to now. It’s about time too.

I’m not saying that I’m going to be all grown up and serious, but I’m starting to figure out what I want with my life.. and how to get it.. Don’t worry, I haven’t changed.. I’m still the jokey, silly, happy girl that everyone knows me.. but just with a little more direction. And it’s not just me.. we all are.. in little ways and at our own paces..

I’m just glad that tonight happened.. because sometimes, you just need the right company to make the world seem alright again..

Sexy Sheppard :.

Everyone just pause, and look. *sigh*

Lt. Col. John Sheppard comes in second of my list of Sci-Fi hotties.. The first of course, being Dr. Daniel Jackson (yummy Michael Shanks!), but since his series is now defunct, I only have Atlantis to keep me warm at night. And boy, does it ever!

Yes, I fancy Joe Flanigan, even if his little stint on ‘Dawson’s Creek’ did seriously creep me out. I didn’t think I was going to like Atlantis because of my love for SG-1, but I find the show seriously refreshing and entertaining. And the fact that Joe Flanigan and Paul McGillion are so easy on the eyes does help.. (Not to mention Beckett’s delicious Scottish accent, it’s enough to make a girl’s legs go weak..)

I’m just starting to watch Season 2 of Atlantis after finishing Season 9 of SG-1. I’m really, really trying to hold off viewing Season 10 for as long as possible. I’ve already read the episode summaries on GateWorld.net, so it’s not like I don’t know what’s going on.. (Yeah, it’s weird, I actually like plot spoilers before I watch something.. I think it’s cos I’m a Global thinker..) , but I can’t bear to watch it because I know it’s the end. And I have only more Atlantis to look forward to.. well, and waiting for the DVD movies to come out..

In the meanwhile, I’m really liking Atlantis, so much so, I did the geek thing and ordered a couple of the Atlantis Decals for my laptop.. so it looks all cool, just like the laptops in Atlantis… Yup, I think I’m ready for the Atlantis Expedition.. Daedalus, take me away!

He’s just that into you… :.

.. when he rides his bike across town, even to see you just for half an hour.

.. because he likes it when you put his hand over his heart, he even places it there himself.

.. when he looks into your eyes when you’re being intimate, and his stare is so intense, you have to look away. And you’re usually the intense one!

.. when he doesn’t say goodbye, he says ‘See you again.’

.. when he doesn’t care that he has to impress a village to go out with you.

.. when he says that his family will love you, and he means it.

.. when he just wants to touch your skin, any part, any where, he just wants to be ‘skin-to-skin’ with you.

.. if he will patiently wait for months just to see you again..

New York Diary: The Village and The Motorcycle :.

This girl went on an adventure today. An amazing adventure. I met up with a friend… who showed me the wild side I had been missing for a while.. It was worth every moment, every kiss, every sigh…

” I fell in love with you,
With the wind in my face,
My heart in my throat,
Your kiss on my lips.
You were everything I didn’t want,
But I shall long for forevermore.”

The Turning Point :.

It’s rapidly reaching the 3 month mark for me and Zz. And it’s fast bearing down on me like a rampaging elephant, do I stand up to it or bolt?

In my history of past relationships, the three month mark is the most critical. It’s about that time, I kinda almost go nuts. It’s not because I’m commitment phobic, but it’s more of the element of the unknown of never having reached past it that makes me uncomfortable and nervous, like what next? Three months is nothing to most people. To me, it’s huge. Most of the time, I don’t get past the three month mark. Even when I was with Dom, at 3 months, I went nuts and pushed him away. We got back together after that. It was almost three months later I found out he slept with his ex during Christmas break and I was back home in Brunei moping about him. Yeah, three months can be a bad time..

But I don’t want this relationship to be just another one in a long string of bad ones. Zz and I are trying to make it work despite the distance and all the crazy shit. And we’ve been great so far. I know early on this year, I was a little psycho and undecided.. but now things are calmer between us, and we’re supporting each other so well.. it’s time to think about the what next part..

Well, actually, we know what the next part is.. we’ve talked about it.. We’re old enough, we’ve known each other for yonks.. and the feelings have always been there, y’know.. It makes sense, that the next big step would be a union.. It’s not like we’re 16 and stupid and I’m having a baby out of wedlock.. He’s actually working, and I got my own thing going.. I mean, come on, I better snag the guy before he discovers all my bad habits and realises that I like to wear mismatched p.j’s that don’t look the least bit slinky or glam..

But in all seriousness, I think Zz and I know what we want. We want someone to share our lives with, to come home to, to have family with.. We’ve already found each other, and now is a good time.

Don’t worry, we’re not gonna elope or something tomorrow.. I’m just saying, yeah, I’m just about ready.. but first gotta get over a couple of hurdles.. That is.. this three month mark thing, and the whole proper ‘Meet the Parents.’

So I made a deal with Zz… I set a date sometime in the near future that if I haven’t turned into Bitchzilla and made life a living hell for Zz, we’ll take the leap of faith, and get him and his parents over here and have a big ol’ dinner where we spill the beans and get a big sparkly on my finger. Yup. In a way, I think both of us feel relieved.. me cos it gives me wiggle room in case I go slightly psycho.. and Zz can sit back and just focus on work instead of worrying that his girlfriend is gonna apparate outta his life.. Relationships, y’know.. gotta make them work somehow..

I’ve been delving a lot into me lately.. I can’t help it.. I’ve been spending a lot of time alone.. helping babysit, and working on some new projects for my mom’s company which I personally am in charge of.. Quite a few responsibilities suddenly piled on me.. You gotta love the baby tbough.. from his stinky diapers to his little tantrums, to his cute coos and just awesome sweet moments.. I can see my sister and brother in law are just loving every minute. Yesterday, at less than two months, h said ‘Mama.’ Heard it loud and clear. He’s gonna be a smart ‘un. I just know it.

Can’t help but be baby crazy these days. I honestly am seriously thinking about a family of my own. I know most people think that I’m crazy and nutty and probably too unstable to start having my own kids.. But those people only know the fantastic facade I put up, and don’t know the real me.. If you did know the real me, you’d think I was right moody and nerdy.. and just plain weird. But that’s really who I am.. and that’s the me Zz knows. I am grateful because he didn’t run for the hills screaming once he realised that the happy-go-lucky girl is just the pretty picture I paint for the world.

Totally beyond the stage where I need to compete in the shallow world of ‘Who’s got the latest designer handbag,’ or ‘the friend-du-jour.’ I’m finally comfortable just being who I really am.. really bad p.j.s, fugly bed hair, flat butt, geekness and all. I don’t have to worry about trying to look like a million and a half bucks, because I got someone who loves me who’s not afraid to let me be myself.. bad jokes, urkel laugh and all.. It’s not like I’m gonna let it all hang out, y’know.. I’m dating a seriously well-groomed, polite, intelligent, cultured and well-travelled gentleman.. Kinda makes you wonder why he’s going out with someone like me.

I did ask him once though.. a couple of months back.. when we were still having teething problems and I was being stupid. What he said made me think twice about being with him.. He said, ” If I wanted a pretty, made-up, perfect girl, I could date any girl in KL. They’d be shallow, unopinionated and close minded. I want someone who’s unique, unafraid to express herself and someone I can talk to about anything, and that’s you.” I remember the sweetest thing he said after that. He still remembers this one time we went clubbing with his sister and a few of my rather ‘interesting’ friends at ‘Down Mexico Way.’ I was rather wasted, and I just wanted to have the time of my life.. so I started grabbing random people in the club and dragged them to the dancefloor. When I was done, even though I was dancing like a moron.. I managed to fill the floor up.. Not that I remember much of this.. but Zz did very well.. and even with all his years of stage experience, he said he would have never done anything like that.. It’s sweet that he still finds something special in my stupidest moments. You know that man’s a keeper.

I’m sorry you’ve been a jerk too :.

Zz *FINALLY* called. I knew that patience would pay off.. and a *subtly* worded e-mail.. It’s amazing what the threat of running away with Hayden Christensen to elope in Las Vegas will do…

It’s not that I want to be a bitch or anything… It’s just two weeks without talking to my boyfriend is waaaayyyy too long.. especially the way I’ve been feeling lately.

Even the conversation was short and sweet, I got the reassurance I needed.

Listen boys, it’s not that we women are insecure psychos who assume that you’re cheating on us the second that we have our backs turned.. (wait.. well, I speak for myself when I say that..) It’s just that the way we’re programmed emotionally, we do need a bit more reassurance. Once a month when I go hormonal, my behavior does tend to go borderline psycho..  but that’s not my fault.. blame biology. But yeah.. when you’re away from your girl, she can’t help but feel lonely, because her emotional needs are not being fulfilled.  You know those things like hugs and kisses, holding hands, or the way that Zz likes to stroke my hand when we’re sitting together.. physical contact means a lot.. so being away from boyfriend.. it just makes it feel a lot emptier..

Zz thought that a 5 minute phone call was really not worth the cost, especially when we usually talk for hours on end.. It wasn’t the quantity I needed.. I want that 5 minute phone call because if I don’t get to touch my boyfriend on a daily basis, the least I should get is to hear is his voice.. and let me tell you he has one of the sexiest voices in the world.. especially when he sings down the phone to me.. *sigh* I just positively melt..

All better now! Things are finally calming down at work, and he’s really enjoying what he’s doing.. Even though the demands are huge, and sometimes the hours are long.. He’s feeling much more appreciated.  I’m really happy for Zz..  And  now that he’s whipped I feel a lot better too.. Just kidding!

Anyway.. tomorrow’s Monday.. I’m gonna try and get some sleep.. this tooth of mine is making me a helluva lot cranky too..

Welcome back ye Londoners :.

Summer’s officially here.. well.. for me anyway… It means that some of my favourite people are back home.. and I have more friends to play with..

Tonight I hung out with one of my favourite couples in the world.. The double I. Oh man.. It was just like old times, when we were back in London.. you know the conversation that doesn’t go stale.. and it was a good mix of intellectual and gossip..

We kept on touching on the old skool subject.. But that’s because those were really good times.. Those were the days where we were carefree.. and really, it felt like the world was our oyster..

It’s not that it isn’t now, but it’s just that times have changed a little for me.. and I’m making that scary transition called ‘growing up.’ My headspace is filled with more work-related things, and plans and ideas for a family life.. At 25, I’m nowhere near old, but I’m older. I’m not naive, idealistic, ballsy, invincible and carefree as I once was, and for a second, I thought I envied I & I, because they still could go back to London.. but I realised, it was just me missing something I once had..  When I heard the stories of someone whom I thought I respected making a damn undiginified fool of herself.. I realised.. I’ve lived those days.. I had my adventures, big and small, and I’m ready to move forwards, not move backwards.
I left the Island of hedonistic pleasures.. and though it’s nice to visit sometimes, I know I live in the real world now.

I & I were telling me things were not as they once were, and I guess, I really lived in the Golden Age. He was telling me he lived a calmer life, and she was more focused on the study side of things. In their on way.. they’re on the stepping stones to growing up..  Small baby steps compared to the big steps I’m taking, but they’ll get there in their own time.

I’m happy.. I got to see a couple of good friends and reminiscence..  That’s the way things should be. I’m really happy where I am now.. difficulties, hard ball, boring life and all.. I’m ready to take the next step.. Now I just have to be patient and wait for when my darling is ready too.

I don’t miss London that much, Brunei Hall even less.. I just miss the people the most.. because they were the ones whom I made the memories with, but they’ll be back soon enough.. in dribs and drabs. Until then I can wait.

So Welcome home you guys.. I hope to see more of you in the days to come.

When a guy loves a geek :.

Dear readers,

When it comes to love, I hope you will find someone who loves you full and complete, who will absolutely do anything to make you happy, even though that person doesn’t really understand it.

Moving on up :.

My Zz is moving to Singapore this weekend for 3 month crash course and training on his way up the hotel management ladder.. That’s the reason he’s been so busy these days.. *sigh* It’s okay.. I try my best to play the supportive girlfriend, because I know it’s what he needs right now..

It does make me happy that he’s in Singapore though.. There are more possibilities to visit him.. and even if I do visit, it’s not like I don’t know how to amuse myself there while he’s busy during the day..

I love that as we go on.. our relationship is getting more relaxed and comfortable.. In the beginning of this year, things were so tense, and I couldn’t make my mind up.. I had a blip on the brain.. But he was also pushing me in a direction I was probably not ready to go..

But things are getting good.. You know what’s funny.. Back in uni, when we were ‘intensely’ in love with each other and just never got the chance to be together..  we never had it as good as we do now.. It’s true what they say.. with age, comes wisdom, and understanding..

Just last night, we were talking about how great things were.. and I was telling him about ‘the dress..’  There’s a wedding shop just below my office, and as I was parking my car a couple of days ago, I noticed they had changed the display.. and that’s when I saw it.. ‘the dress.’ The one you know that’s gonna look perfect on you and you wanna get married in..  My heart still stops everytime I look at it.. It’s perfect..

I was telling Zz about it.. and I love how he got excited over it as much as I did.. but in a non-pressuring way..  We’ve reached that ‘tipping point’, that moment in the relationship where things are either gonna go all bad, or all good..  and you know what.. it’s gonna be all good..

I miss him a whole lot.. but it’s okay.. because we’ll probably have the rest of our lives together soon enough.. I gotta support him in what he’s doing now.. I can still remember the e-mail I sent him ages ago when he was making the critical decision to go to uni overseas, or stay in Malaysia..  and that was the e-mail that helped him make his decision..

I’m so glad to have been there then.. and to be helping him now..  and looking forward to doing so in the future..

Good luck, sayang! *kisses*

Engkau & Aku :.

Just a bunch of songs I’m totally loving atm.. Just thought I’d share them with you guys..

Links  below will be here for 10 days, after which I will delete.. Right Click and ‘Save as..’ y’all..

Oh, these songs are for the one I love… I hope he’s listening…

Sweet surprises are made of these.. :.

 Who doesn’t like surprises in the mail? I ask you, who?

As I was at the post office this morning, opening the parcel for the customs lady, I was wondering what it was because I hadn’t ordered anything on the Internet recently.. and certainly not books, as was listed on the parcel label.. I nearly fainted when I opened up to find..

The Missing Piece.. :.

If there’s one thing in life I’ve learnt.. and it’s a hard lesson.. I’ve been knocked over, scarred, and pained so many times, and despite that I stand by it.. maybe it’s the first lesson I’ve really learnt for myself..

It’s that you have to have faith..

I don’t necessarily mean just faith in God.. it’s faith in yourself.. or faith in something.. otherwise.. life becomes meaningless..

If you have something to believe in.. Even when you’re hanging by a thread.. it will keep you alive and bolstered and surviving..

The world may be against you.. It might even feel like the whole universe is conspiring against you.. The cards may be stacked not in your favour..

But you have to believe…

Fear can make us doubt.. anger will make us want to hate.. Pain makes us want to run away from the source of it..

The chips may be down.. and all we have left is the physical things that keep us going on a daily basis.. But who wants to just merely exist from day to day..

We all want to live..

But letting people, things, consequences take away our faith, our belief.. then what we have left of ourselves is merely a shell..

My friend, though you may not read this.. I wish and want to tell you.. I believe in you.. I truly do.. I haven’t given up on you at all.. I can believe for the both of us.. I can muster enough faith to move mountains..

But you need to have that little bit too..

Don’t give up and give in.. Don’t shut yourself down for the sake of not feeling.. Just don’t..

Pain, anger, fear is all things that we are allowed to feel.. but on the other side of the coin is love, hope and happiness.. if you don’t want to feel one side, you can’t feel the other.. and by not feeling, you’re taking away that part of you that makes you  human..

I don’t know where you are right now.. and I know we’re not on speaking terms.. but just because we’re not.. doesn’t mean I’ve stopped being your friend.. I’m here, if you want me to be.. I still, and always will love you.. I still and always will care for you..

If you ever feel lonely and down.. and need someone.. I am here..

I believe in you, and my faith is unshakable..

I just wish you would too..

Then you will find that missing piece.. and feel whole and complete once again..

Simple life :.

Forget marriages of wealth and power, forget all the money in the world..  what use is all this treasure, if you’re an ass with no friends, I ask you?

Yeah, I’d rather be a hardworking free little birdie than one in a golden cage..

I’d also rather be someone with a sense of pride and self-worth than a butt-kisser who seeks to ride on someone’s cashy coat-tails..

I’d rather have no money and lots of friends, than lots of money and no friends…

I am grateful for the life I have been given, hardships and all.. I am a stronger and better person for it..

I am grateful for my wonderful friends..

Lest I forget.. I am grateful for the heart I have been given.. that loves me complete and full..

Precious and few :.

Since my sister got married, sister time has been little and far between… It’s understandable.. With the arrival of baby, those moments that we get to spend that was once so abundant are just so rare, that if I blink I miss it..

I got one of those moments today.. Baby was asleep in his crib, his daddy was out, and my sister was watching ‘Bold & The Beautiful’ omnibus.. and I was just hanging around.. We were both laughing at how the actors looked so tired, and aged so much.. and all other silly things.. I’d forgotten what those moments were like.. but it was so amazing and fun.. She was my sister, not a mom, not a wife.. just my big sis… and I miss her a lot..

Things have changed.. Change is unavoidable.. But you do appreciate now all the things you took for granted.. even the little things.. like moments like these..