Archive for the ‘rant’ Category

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Love, marriage and other half-truths :.

November 24, 2007

Love and marriage, love and marriage,
Go together like a horse and carriage..

Wasn’t that how the theme song of “Married with Children..” That was a funny show. I loved how dysfuctional that family was.

Okay, enough fluff.

Marriage, that’s the buzzword these days. No matter where I am, that word inevitably pops up in conversation, bringing with it the good, the bad and the ugly. Mostly the latter reaches my ears though. And it makes me more determined to enjoy my life and be true to me before I settle down.

I don’t have to look far for examples of marriages that don’t work. In all honesty, my parents marriage has hardly been all hearts and roses the past 7 years. There are times, I don’t know, I just want to ask my parents to go and get the hell divorced because I am so sick and tired of living day to day in a warzone. There are times I’ve had to choose sides, and it kills me on the inside, because as much as I am Daddy’s little girl, I love my mom too. But little miracles happen, and they stay together another day. Often I do wonder why they do, is it because they love each other, or they’re just too old to live without each other?

Excuse my cynicism when I illustrate with another point. I’ve got friends in marriages who are so unhappy, they have to find other pursuits. Loveless marriages, the only glue keeping it together are either children or family pressure. Some are just with their significant other because they’re too afraid that if they leave, they may just end up alone. And the thing is, they pop up so often, you wonder if there are any ‘real’ marriages left in the world?

Like anyone and everyone else, I am myself afraid to be alone. I feel like there’s this missing part of me because I long for someone to share my life with, give all of my heart and soul; full and complete. It’s not that my life is lacking because I don’t have someone, but it would be more richer with someone in it.

But I guess I’d rather be alone than be in a loveless marriage, bitter and angry at my husband, and forced to pursue extramarital affairs just to keep myself sane.

Typical scorpio, it’s either all or nothing, either one of two extremes and never in between.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pooh-poohing the whole institution of marriage. I do have illusions and dreams of adjusting my husband’s tie before he goes to work, sitting by the sink as I watch him shave, having all out spats and making up on the kitchen floor later. But I think I’d rather wait it out and find someone who I can be happy with the rest of my life.

Maybe I ask for too much. Yes, I’d love a guy with Hayden Christensen’s brooding looks, or Jake Gyllenhaal’s dark, blue eyed gorgeousness.. But you don’t have to be hot or cute to get me. I’ve said before “Romance my mind and you have my heart,” I’d love someone who has much to teach me and open my eyes. But by the same token, he should be ready to learn from me, seek adventure and love life. I’d enjoy the give and take of good intellectual conversation for the rest of my life. Yes, and he should be tolerant enough of my ‘blonde moments’ and my demanding personality.

Back in August, I was sitting with Gray Eyes in ‘The Dead Poet’s Society’ and he was listening raptly to what I was saying, and wasn’t even shocked when I revealed a little of my wild side. I could live that afternoon ala ‘Groundhog Day’ forever, because I saw in his eyes, not just wisdom from living a lot longer than I have, and living on the other side of the world I have known, but, this great sense of eagerness to listen and learn to what I have to say. When I was telling him about how engagements go in Brunei, (‘The Village’, our inside joke), he just so earnestly wanted to know more.

I want that from a guy, that you never stop getting to know me. The same way I’ll continually discover new things about you everyday, even if it’s the fact that you have this aim to collect 100 plastic lobsters from a particular restaurant on the Upper East Side that gives you one everytime you eat a lobster there.

I was never a ‘sweet kind of romance’ girl. Don’t give me roses, give me gerberas. And call them by the nickname I give them. I don’t want cute bears with hearts, give me a Stitch or Yoda doll. You don’t need to sing me “I will always love you”, sing to me your favourite song of all time badly on karaoke. Even if it’s Aqua’s Barbie Girl. Give me a thousand memories, rather than one super romantic moment.

I in turn, will probably laugh at you if you accidentally swallow the ring while drinking the champagne it’s in. And then I’ll help you by performing the Heimlich maneuver when you’ve almost turned purple.

I don’t care if ends up the most spontaneous yet manky ‘Britney’ quickie wedding in Vegas with the worst looking ‘Fat Elvis’ presiding. Janji saja sayang selamanya. (Just promise you’ll love me forever.)

No, I don’t want to be unhappy in a marriage because I said yes to the wrong guy, because I had an ‘accident’, because I just didn’t want to be alone.

And I could have very much made that mistake earlier this year, with Zz. I’m glad that my reluctant heart hung in there as long as it did, and didn’t fall for all the songs of romance and perfect companionship. No. It wanted the right love, and it wasn’t going to settle for anything less.

If anything, all of these words that have been burning my ears have made me realise, I’m going to wait for the right one. Not Prince Charming, but the guy who will understand that his geek wife will get dressed up in cosplay and drag him around to Sci-fi conventions.

It’s better to wait than regret. I don’t want the only regret in my life to be the biggest burden for the rest of it.

One family of cousins all got married in their 30’s, and they seem to have done alright for themselves. Even though they were the talk of the family, and the subject of clucking tongues for the longest time, they decided they were going to do the right thing and wait. And wait they did, they’re all happy, with no pressure to spawn future progeny anytime soon, all taking it at their sweet pace.

And under the very same roof as one dysfuctional marriage, a life’s journey between two kindred souls has begun and blossoms more with each passing day. I talk, of course, about my sister and her wonderful husband. The very same people who gave me a song and dance routine for my birthday, complete with excited, high pitched singing. Their love story started a long time ago back in High School, but unlike High School sweethearts, they didn’t get together until later. No, the romance in their story comes from a single page, with a pencil drawn sketch of a rose.

When my sister first left for the UK, her classmate handed her a letter of several pages, wishing her luck, and so much more. One of those pages contained that hand-pencilled sketch, which my sister kept along with the letter.

Several years away studying, and a VERY BAD BOYFRIEND later, these two souls would be reunited as friends, and start spending more and more time together. And last year, they got married, despite initial parental resistance, and differences in education and status, which in the end, truly didn’t matter.

Today, that pencil sketch is framed and hangs in their bedroom, as testament to a love that started long ago, but didn’t blossom until late. The rose has become their logo, and their love just evermore grows.

I will not get caught up in the excitement and wanting of all engagements and marriages around me. I will not be brainwashed by the cutest babies in the world, and googley eyed couples. I will not envy the happiness of my friends as they take the next steps towards the rest of their lives. My time will come.

But I reserve the right to be Bridezilla, and squee myself hoarse when the time does come. And until it does, I will wait.

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I’m 15, not 25 :.

November 8, 2007

For some reason, I felt like a total teenager tonight. Blonde and bizarrely happy, as if the rest of my world was not falling around my ears.

Maybe it was the company I needed. Maybe it was the fact that I’ve been holding my breath the last couple of days wondering. Maybe it’s because today, I finally got an answer.

Even though I knew that answer a long time ago. But to look into someone’s eyes intimately and know the truth where you stand, you can breath a sigh of relief and really not wonder anymore. Months ago, I walked away, cutting my losses, and set my mind free. Today, I set the rest of my spirit free.

I confess to that tiny, tiny grain of hope that lay somewhere deep in my heart that wanted something to be there. But it wasn’t.

What confirmed the rest was the naive attitude towards all things, perhaps ignorant? Don’t pretend to understand my life, or try to be condescending. Lecturing me about right or wrong?

Lady, I have seen shit that would scorch the hair off your balls.

I have made it through enough personal hell to know my fucking consequences.

Karma? You don’t know diddly squat. Karma owes me big time.

My fucking point? Maybe there is none. I was looking at a mere shadow of a person today. One who didn’t venture beyond their own boundaries. And will always see a line and the sign that says “Do not cross.”

I’m not that kind of person. I know I venture where angels fear to tread. And sometimes, I take too many risks. But if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be standing today, I would have long passed from this world by my own hand.

Some people were made stronger than others. I’d like to think I’m one of those. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, I’ve forged my own path, I dared not to follow convention. And I don’t regret it.

After the anger passed, I started feeling sorry for that shadow of a person. I did honestly want to take them by the hand and say, “Go out and live before it’s too late.” But I smiled, said nothing, and let them go on their merry way.

Funny thing about life is, when we were born, we were born with all eyes open. And along the way, some decided to close their mind’s eye, and in effect, close their heart and their souls to other experiences. The choice varies from person to person. My choice is obvious. Their choice is theirs, and as much as I want to grab them, shake them and tell them… whatever, it’s their choice, and I have to.. abide by it, even though I don’t respect it in the least.

I’ll go have my fun. I will enjoy myself, live life to the full, make mistakes, stumble and fall, brush myself off, pick myself up and keep doing what I feel/need/want to do. I am a more fulfilled person, and I know I have touched more than a few lives. And I know so many interesting and wonderful people. Any butt-kissing, soul-sucking, egotistical, selfish, moronic, holier-than-thou fucking wannabes… you can go sit in your little invisi-square and stay there. Put your personal velvet rope up, and limit yourself to that small piece of “What you want to know and nothing else.” Me and my amazing, personally enriched, fulfilled, open-minded, beautiful and loving friends, we will take over the world.

In fact, the world is already ours.. you’ve just been too busy not knowing.

Shadow Person. Thank you for today, everything before and goodbye. You go your way, and I’ll go mine.

My wonderful friends, old and new, I love you. Thank you for accepting who I am, bits, pieces, baggage and all.

God, thank you for all your blessings, for the courage and strength you have given me, for carrying me when I felt I had none, for your faith in your wayward child, and pointing my compass, even when I have ventured far from your way.

To the one, whoever you are, thank you for loving me. It’s all I ever wanted.

And to the someone who’s momentarily chasing my demons and shadows away, making it not such a lonely place to be in right now, I don’t have words, but the smile on my face, the happiness in my heart, and the twinkle in my eye says everything.

In ten days, I hope all this wisdom is still intact. Who knows.

Anyway, I started this off light, I’ll try and finish it light.

I had fun today. I went shopping with one of my best friends. I hung out with some fun friends. I got to see someone I really missed. I have cute tikuses. I bought more make-up on eBay. I kissed two people today.

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Selfish :.

October 24, 2007

I wanna be selfish, and pick up my life and go..

Not worry about anything, or consequences, live life from breath to breath, moment to moment, heart to heart.

Because life is an adventure waiting to unfold.

I’m not afraid to make mistakes, to get hurt, to stumble on my feet, to start from the bottom and work my way up, as long as I get to live my dream!

To be coddled, cloistered, wrapped in tissue paper.. that’s just as ridiculous as it seems.

Were I selfish, I would run..

Were I selfish, I would be free..

But I’m not… and I’m forced to live a madness, all the while seeking a dream.

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Fame is such a fickle creature :.

September 21, 2007

That Chris Crocker video has gone VIRAL! As of now, the video has had over 8 million hits, and spawned a slew of spoofs.. Some notable ones being Perez Hilton, iJustine and my personal favourite, Seth Green, black eyeliner galore!

And to top it all of, the crazed ‘Brit Brit’ fan has scored interviews on American morning talkshows and on Jay Leno. INSANE.

Is this the nature of celebrity now? I mean, seriously, we pop some crazy video on YouTube, and BAM! You’re the next subject to be interviewed?

So bad black eyeliner + scroungy white shirt + beige sheet background + enormous wailing & crying = FAME!

Jeez.. I so need to get some of that..

(Warning: For all these vids.. I really suggest you turn the speakers down.. all these whiny voices could make you pop an eardrum.)

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Small Bytes – Before Puasa Edition :.

September 12, 2007

I’m so jaded by the world lately. Not enough happy. Too much angry and sadness. Where is the happy, I don’t know. I miss the happy.

It’s Britney, bitch. After her disappointing performance at the VMA, you have to watch the video of her ‘SuperFan’ Chris Crocker defending what little left of Britney’s honour there is. To make fun of someone’s sincere tears is evil. But hella funny. And I need a laugh these days. Click here for video. Word of warning.. He/she/it wails something horrible, so turn down your speakers if you don’t want the dogs in your neighbourhood barking, and the cats wailing. My favourite bits : “two fcuking kids,” “SHE’S A HUMAN!” and “You mess with me..” Like yeah whatever. What are you gonna do, cry us to death? Cry me a river, bitch.

I’m doing a Bridget Jones and cutting down on my fag consumption. It’s not as painful as I thought. But still hard. Part of it is because my damn mouth still hurts so much from the root canal, it actually irritates me to smoke. And I stopped buying menthols.. and I damn do not like Lights.

Call me the ‘Grinch of Raya,’ because I’m not looking forward to it, AT ALL! If I could, I’d rather be elsewhere for Raya, nowhere that’s celebrating. I’m looking forward to Puasa.. but not Raya.. Worrying about bajus and what to serve and open houses and just stuff like that in general.. DO NOT WANT! I might not even have an open house this year. But people are welcome to request my famous ‘recipe so secret I have to kill you if I tell you’ lasagna for their open house. Will be happy to contribute. I’ll put XXXtra cheese even.. on top of the usual Xtra cheese I pack in there. Please form an orderly queue. Lasagna limited to one house per day.. while stocks last.

It’s funny how people can make you feel so small about yourself. Things like ‘you look cheap’ and ‘nobody likes you because you’re so selective about your friends’ and other assorted comments that makes one feel less than one’s worth. Damn. Yeah, I know, I shouldn’t believe everything that is said, but hell, like I said above, there’s not much of the happy in my life right now.

Oh, I should give mention iJustine. I don’t know if it’s for real, but apparently she got an Apple logo tattoo. Which is pretty nuts.. But that girl’s heart belongs to Steve Jobs. So I guess that’s more appropriate than signing his name across her heart. As for me, I’d get a Stargate Tauri Chevron tattoo.. or the Atlantis Patch.. yeah.. that would be like the 100th level of cool for me.

Okay.. well.. That’s it for today.. I dunno.. if my head’s on straight later I’ll give you guys something more to chew on. But for now, I’m just gonna go cry in my shower, alone. That’s nothing you wanna see on youtube.

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Not sure where :.

July 4, 2007

It’s been crazy.. really crazy.. and I’m not sure about myself.. I don’t know, maybe I’m hitting another phase or something.. But I feel like I’m half living, half watching a movie right now.. How can one feel so separate and disjointed about their life?

I bumped into an old friend a couple of days ago.. I have missed this person so much.. when I sat down and talked to them, it was like things hadn’t changed.. which worried me a lot.. Well, it was them that hadn’t changed really.. I’m not naive and personable as I once was, I’ve grown.. it seemed like they hadn’t..

I know before I was a people pleaser, and I would.. and still do, anything for my friends.. but I guess nowadays, I reserve the right to veto certain things.. I realised that people don’t care about me as much as I think they do.. But it doesn’t mean I’ve stopped caring about people.. It just means that I’ve learned to be selfish for myself.

Right.. just trying to get by these weird days.. Oh, if you see some insane lady, showing off on the DDR machines in Q-lap.. that would probably be me.. hehe Stay far away from my flailing arms, wouldja?

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Whedon on auction! (Flan Rant Part II) :.

June 28, 2007

AUGH!!! For the Merciful Love of …..

The Whedon himself…  on eBay.. could anything be any cooler? (Well, Hayden Christensen in my bed would be top of my list..  but anywayyyy.. )

Joss Whedon eBay

Click on the image for more details.

San Diego, I hate you!

Man, this is like.. the 3rd time today I’ve been really disappointed..

First of all, I was the last to know about one of my special peoples coming back home. And that person has met with everyone but me. I no feel speshul no more.

2ndly, I found this heinously cool shirt on eBay, ‘It’s Not The Jedi Way,’ and the seller don’t ship overseas. I cried, begged and cajoled. To no avail… *sigh*

And the third and the biggest one would be the above thingy…

Oh for bleedin’ %$#&!!! sakes…

Powers that be, it ain’t that I’m ungrateful for all y’all blessings and stuff.. but y’know.. I’m just waiting for the shitstorm of the last 7 years to pass over, and it looks like there ain’t no end in sight..  I’m just wondering.. if y’know.. you could send a few of those clear sky days my way.. I’d be mighty grateful, and some of us that have been suffering more than most would like to see the light at the end of the tunnel, cos there sure ain’t been one for so long..